AppleTree

Rabbi Wolbe's approach, adopted by Rabbi
Kelemen, is to start not with the child, but with the
parent. And this approach, Rabbi Kelemen believes, is
what makes his book very different from every other
work in the virtual mountain of other parenting books.
"These have a plethora of techniques which you
have to memorize and then internalize," he said. "But
you still don't know how to carry them out in the heat
of the moment. If a parent is impatient, all the 'tech-
niques' in the world won't work."

Changing Ways

Instead, Rabbi Kelemen presents a step-by-step guide
on how parents can change themselves and their
approach to childcare.
Key elements:
• Remember at all times that you are a role model
for your children.
In his book, Rabbi Kelemen recounts the story of a
woman, her young children all in tow, who insisted on
returning to a grocery store to give back a small sum
she was overpaid. Rabbi Kelemen noted that he hears
from educators everywhere: "What is our greatest chal-
lenge? Parents are spending thousands of dollars every
year on day school education, expecting us to teach
their children ethics." Then parents turn around and
find a few ways to save a dollar or two in a less than
noble manner.
• Make religion and religious practice an integral
part of your daily life.
• Outlaw television (more on this later).
• Give children plenty of time to play, which is
important not just because it allows them to relax, but
because it helps them grow.
• Learn how to properly guide children when they
are at their most challenging.
"I have a three-step plan in the book," he said
regarding one of the greatest demands of parenting:

The Big Story

what to do when your child misbehaves.
Step one: "What you do is begin by stopping the
misbehavior, such as by distracting the child."
If the misbehavior continues, move to the second
step, which might be a look of disappointment.
Imagine that the child has picked up a book, which
you prefer he doesn't handle. Don't spank (Rabbi
Kelemen vehemently opposes hitting children); don't
yell. Instead, "speak calmly and say, 'Put that down.
But suppose the child still isn't listening. Then it's
time for a "time out," but not of the familiar variety.
"It's not that you're banishing some miscreant from
your presence," he said. Instead, tell the child, "Go to
your room, and when you're ready to behave, come
back." This is an extremely valuable lesson for children
because it teaches them to become aware of their emo-
tional state, he said — a skill that will aid them greatly
as adults, as well.
Now the final step.
Late in the evening, Rabbi Kelemen and his wife
speak together (or, as he puts it, "my wife and I con-
spire") about any challenges they may have faced with
their children during the day.
If a child has acted inappropriately, they'll consider,
"what value and behavior doesn't he have?" And then
the next day, when the child is in a good mood, they'll
talk about it. This way, the child will really listen to his
parents and remember their words, Rabbi Kelemen
said: "Most good education happens when a child is
happy"

Talmudic Roots

The father of five, ages 6, 8, 10, 12 and 14, Rabbi
Kelemen is quick to give credit to the wellspring of his
knowledge: Judaism.
In creating his parenting plan, Rabbi Kelemen
turned to an ancient Jewish text, where he found virtu-
ally every bit of his source material.

It's a question he hears wherever he goes, whomever he talks to: "What do I say to
my child about the terrorist attacks, about the state of the world today?" He has a
Plan.
Rabbi Lawrence Kelemen is concerned that children today see the world "as a
dangerous place that's out of control." As with his philosophies on parenting, he
turns to traditional Judaism for his answers.
In Israel, where terrorism is a part of daily life, Rabbi Kelemen has observed atti-
tudes and actions he thinks should serve as a role model for all.
First, explain to children that terrorists are "evil, and they're going to spread
hatred." But counter that statement by encouraging good deeds.
When he came to Israel, Rabbi Kelemen was impressed by the fact that religious
families would respond to terrorist attacks by going to help feed hungry people, or
otherwise participate in acts of tzedakah. It was much the same after the attacks on
the World Trade Centers and the Pentagon, when Americans lined up to give
blood, donate money, do whatever they could to help. So this is a good time both
to immerse children in good places, where people care for each other, and to allow
them to do something positive themselves.
Second, "whenever children are under a lot of stress, you should allow them to

11/9
2001

72

He explains: "It's all Talmudic."
And so, when Rabbi Kelemen speaks with Orthodox
audiences, he finds them eager to accept and act on his
ideas. The same is true of gentile groups who, he said,
are "immediately thrilled" when he tells them he
gleaned his research from ancient Jewish texts.
As for the more skeptical audiences, Rabbi Kelemen
gives data. A case in point: TV.
To Kindle A Soul includes an entire chapter on the
evils of television. -
"One of the greatest challenges children face is
patience." Even programs with such seemingly harm-
less subject matter, like Sesame Street, are presented in
frenetic, bright, flashing, fleeting scenes — the longest
of which is 3.5 seconds," Rabbi Kelemen said.
Is this really helping children learn? How can any
teacher begin to compete with this?
And in addition, the idea of sitting in front of a
TV, doing nothing but lying there and being enter-
tained, is "a value I don't believe in."
Consequently, the medium itself is a problem.
Further, the contents of programming is, for the
most part, unacceptable, Rabbi Kelemen said.
Commercials, for example, advocate lots of sugary
snacks. Children want them; parents buy them; sugar
addiction, and often obesity, becomes a way of life.
Does anyone really want that for his children?
Rabbi Kelemen said his own children wouldn't even
know what to do with TV if he suggested they sit and
watch it together. "They would ask me, 'But then
when will I be able to play ball?' or 'But then I would-
n't be able to read!'"
Apparently, Rabbi Kelemen's book is hitting a chord
not only with Jewish readers, but also gentile ones.
He has sold out of books on each stop of his tour,
and To Kindle A Soul ranks number 48 on a list of
50,000 books sold through Amazon.com .

❑

express themselves," he said. Have children make art or write poetry.
Third, let them talk. "They want to talk and they'll say the same thing over and
over and over. Sometimes, you need to resolve their questions, and if they really
want an answer, answer honestly and age appropriately. Otherwise, just sit and lis-
ten."
Fourth, limit their access to news reports. Rabbi Kelemen noted that some chil-
dren misunderstood news reports, which repeatedly showed the planes crashing
into the World Trade Centers. "They thought towers were being smashed every-
where, all over the country," he said. In any case, there's no need for young chil-
dren to see such violent acts numerous times.
Fifth, don't panic. When parents are terrified, children pick up on this even if we
say, "Everything is great!" And in reality, is there a reason to panic? he asked.
Remember that the threat of being involved in a car accident is much greater than
that of contracting anthrax.
Six, love them. "Hugs and kisses are 1,000 times more important during times
of str es s," he said

—Elizabeth Applebaum, AppleTree Editor

