Ask Wendy

Don't Pretend Not
To Be Jewish

Dear Wendy:
My wife and I are one of a few
Jewish couples in a small suburban
community. If not for my work, we
would certainly choose to live in an
area with a greater Jewish popula-
tion. Our neighbors regularly come
to us to ask "Jew questions." We
hate the responsibility of feeling that
we, alone, give this community the
impression of what real Jews are like,
and that we have to behave in a par-
ticular way to represent our people.
Is there anything wrong with just
pretending not to be Jewish for the
next couple of years?
— Feeling Uptight
It sounds to me like it may be
too late for you to go undercover.
Especially since you probably did
not advertise your faith in the first
place. If you are the only family for
miles with bagels in your shopping

cart, it may not be as easy
adore. Two of the three are
as you think to hide from
great students. The third
your neighbors.
hovers somewhere in the
On a more serious note,
lower percentage of the class.
you and your wife are not
Is it fair to have lower expec-
the sole guardians of the
tations of one child than we
faith — even if your
do of the others? And how
neighbors seem to feel you
would we do so without sig-
are. Point them toward
naling to our daughter that
WENDY
Jewish Web sites, your
we don't think her as bright
BELZBERG
local library or, if they
as her siblings?
Special to
have a sense of humor, the
— Trying To Be Fair
the Jewish News
work of a writer like Philip
Your daughter may not be
Roth. You can, and should
as academically gifted or
be, proud of your heritage without
inclined as your other children, but
feelina as if that is the first, and
that does not necessarily make her
only, b thing people see when they
any less bright. However, equating
look at you. In short, yes there is
the two — academic performance
something very wrong with pre-
and IQ— makes me wonder just a
tending not to be Jewish.
little about you.
Would you be struggling with
Dear Wendy:
the same "dilemma" if one of your
We have three children whom we
children didn't like to swim or, no

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Wed, 13

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Lexington Ave. #189, New York,
NY 10021, or e-mail
askwendy@thejewishnews.corn

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/2.

matter how hard he tried, couldn't
dunk a basketball? Your children are
entirely different people and your
expectations should be adjusted
accordingly. If doing so means you
view your third child as "less than"
the other two, your feelings will be
obvious to all of your children.
Your expectations don't make
for healthy, happy children. Their
self-confidence does. It's your job
to help your daughter find her
way into a realm in which she will
excel and flourish. Don't write her
off too fast. ❑

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The United Way.

2001

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