Pam Stoler

Ask Wendy

(248) 901-4255

VISIT MY WEBSITE AT:

www.pamstoler.corn
Email: pstoler@pamstoletcom
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Wics.fia
geapp,* Tacsdaver!

Be Honest
About Shoah

brother, consider the reality:
he has had plenty of time to
find the right person on his
own. Is it possible you are
more intent on finding him a
wife than he is? Or perhaps he
is enjoying being taken care of
by his older brother and
prefers his current circum-
WE NDY
stance to having to grow up
BELZ BERG
and contemplate taking care
Speci at to
of somebody else?
the Jewi sh News
Your brother is 40 years
— Concerned Mother
old. He is old enough to
You can't lie to your child.
find a wife for himself if he is looking
You can, however, edit the informa- •
for one. Stop spinning your wheels.
Lion you feed him. To say it can't hap-
Or, if you really want to help, set him
pen again is a lie; to reassure your
up with a good therapist, who may
child that Hitler's Germany was a
well be the right kind of woman for
unique historic phenomenon is not.
him just now.
The real question, sadly, is larger
than what happened during World War
Dear Wendy:
II: At some point, we all have to grapple
A colleague called to ask for a refer-
with the wrenching task of explaining
ence for an individual who worked for
to our children that, as Jews, we have
me for several years. I had let her go for
been, and may again, be persecuted for
having an inter-office affair with a mar-
our religious beliefs. And imparting a
ried man. Moreover, there were rumors
sense of history, and our unique place in
around the company that this was not
it as Jews, is part of your parental
the first time she had been involved
responsibility Only you know if your
with another employee. Should I
son is ready to hear the whole truth,
include this information when giving
but whatever you tell him now should
her a reference?
prepare him for that eventual reality.

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Dear Wendy:
My 9-year-old just read a
notable children's book
about concentration camps.
He couldn't put it down, but
was also quite upset by it.
Am I doing him more of a
favor by leveling with him
about the Holocaust, or
should I be reassuring him
that such a thing could
never happen again?

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Pam. (248) 901-4255

—What's Right?

Dear Wendy:
My youngest brother, Azer, is 40
years old and not married or dating
anyone seriously. He is a Kohen and
will not marry a widow, divorcee or a
convert, which excludes most of the
eligible women I know in his age car-
egory. My relatives have in the past
introduced him to appropriate
women with varying degrees of suc-
cess. I'm at a loss as to how I can help
him, if at all.

— Worried Brother

I've heard of cars going from zero
to 40 in a matter of seconds, but peo-
ple? What has he been doing for the
past 20 years when everyone else in
his age group was dating, mating and
settling down? Does it really come as
a surprise to you — or to him — that
the age-appropriate females who
would meet his religious requirements
have moved on with their lives?
Before investing any more time,
energy or postage trying to help your

It has been my experience that when
one professional calls another for a ref-
erence, the kind of information he is
looking for pertains to the skills
required to meet the job description. I
don't see why the topic of sex or office
affairs would come up.
I assume the married male offender
was let go as well. Was he also dogged
by rumors of serial extra-marital sex?
Rumors are just that; they are not to
be repeated much less included as
part of a reference.
I'm trying not to let my gender get
in the way of my judgment, but I
can't help wondering: If the person in
need of the reference had been your
male employee, would this question
have crossed your mind? ❑

Write to "Ask Wendy" at 954

Lexington Ave. #189, New York, NY
10021, or e-mail

askwendy@thejewishnews.com

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(248) 901-4255

Don't Make A Move

.Without Pam!

4/13
2001

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