Dilemma

whether to have a tree.

ing an explicitly Christian symbol, while others worry
about being embarrassed when their Jewish friends and
family visit.
Sometimes the Jewish partner feels guilty asking his
or her spouse to give up the cherished symbol.

Tree: A Tradition

For years, Morgan's family also avoided a Christmas tree
in the house, a decision eased by the fact that they visit
her relatives for Christmas each year. Most Decembers,
they also spend a weekend with friends at a Wisconsin
farmhouse, where they do "Christmasy things," like
sledding, cutting down a fir tree and decorating it.
But 11 winters ago, their eldest son — then 4 —
asked his father if he could bring home a tree. His
father said, "We'll cut one down that is just your size."
That has become a family tradition, although if they
don't go to Wisconsin, they do not go out and buy a
tree.
Morgan's husband is "comfortable having a tree in
the house given how the tradition developed," said
Morgan, noting that the tree has become a symbol of
the family weekends with friends, rather than of
Christmas.
"His mother, who's a Holocaust survivor and very
observant, is not at all offended by it," said Morgan.
Rabbi Cohen knows of a family in which the chil-
dren are being raised Jewish, even though the mother is
Christian. "The father said, 'She does so much, she

brings the kids to synagogue, she's willing to raise the
kids Jewish. How can I deny her this one thing?' "
"The tree becomes the 'Here is my nod,' " she said.
"We're not going to do church, baptize the kids or any
of that, but we'll have a tree."
Traditional rabbis — who speak out strongly against
intermarriage — generally do not have any dealings
with Christmas trees. But in the Reform world, where
congregations have actively reached out to interfaith
families, rabbis have a range of attitudes toward trees in
their congregants' homes.
Rabbis Levin and Cohen say Christmas trees are
more Christian and more confusing to children
being raised Jewish than most interfaith couples
would like to admit.
People think that "because they're calling it a secular
symbol it is in fact that, but our culture has a great deal
to determine what it means," said Rabbi Levin.
"In American culture, it's a quasi-religious symbol,
and how children will read that is not entirely the par-
ents' determination," he added.

Religious Tenet

Rabbi Cohen said, "At its heart, Christmas is a religious
holiday — it's about God coming to earth as a human
being."
"I think it's better for children to know which com-
munity they are part of," she said. "But on the other
hand, I don't think having a Christmas tree means you

can't walk into my synagogue. It means you're on a path
and have to figure this out."
Like the upcoming circumcision, or brit milah,
Rabbi Levin will attend, Rabbi Cohen once showed up
to do an in-home baby-naming ceremony, only to dis-
cover that the family expected her to do it right in front
of their Christmas tree. She insisted on moving the cer-
emony to a different room.
"I was out of seminary six months, and it didn't
occur to me to ask about whether there would be a
tree," recalled Rabbi Cohen. "I didn't feel I needed
to say I can't give your child a Hebrew name
because of this, but I also didn't feel like I had to do
it in that room."
Such experiences are so common, said Rabbi Cohen,
that the issue has come up on the Reform movement's
Central Conference of American Rabbis' e-mail bulletin
board. "A number of people have said the easiest thing
to do is just not do ceremonies in the home in
December," she said.
Rabbi Sam Gordon, of Congregation Sukkat
Shalom in Wilmette, Ill., said, "My feeling is that the
Christmas tree is just a tree."
Gordon does not tell congregants what to decide,
but urges them to use the tree debate as a "catalyst" to
explore the larger issues about the values and traditions
they want to share with their children.
"It can be a time for the family to have great battles
or a time for the family to talk values," he said. O

understanding help ease seasonal strains.

holidays. "If a person's Jewish identity
is solely based on whether they spin
dreidels they've got trouble."
Shir Tikvah Rabbi Arnie Sleutelberg
says the Troy synagogue welcomes
interfaith couples "as they are."
"In our early years, we used to have
an interfaith couples group, but people
stopped coming," he says. "They told
me, 'Our needs are being met in the
larger sphere of the congregation.' "

No Conflict

The Schenk family moved to Troy from
Selfridge Air National Guard Base in
Macomb County where Donald Schenk
is stationed, to be close to Shir Tikvah.

""My husband is Lutheran and I'm
Jewish," said Janet Schenk, "but we are
both temple members. He has always
had the belief that his religion is based
on some of the tenets of Judaism, and
he makes a concerted effort to come to
every event that is family related."
Married 11 years, the Shencks have
two sons, Josh, 9, and Zach, 6. Janet
Schenk collects snowmen and designer
special-event flags. This season, the
Chanukah flag is prominently dis-
played by their front door.
A dedicated Shir Tikvah volunteer,
Janet was awarded the synagogue's Fund
for Reform Judaism award two years ago.
Chanukah is the primary holiday
celebrated in the Schenk household,

until Christmas Eve itself.
"We help daddy celebrate
Christmas," Janet Schenk explains. "He
gets presents then; the kids don't."
The family decorates a corner of the
family room with artificial trees about a
foot high. Janet gets up early and
makes coffeecake.
"We don't have a conflict," she says.
"We agreed about religion before we
got married. He told me, 'because it
matters to your family and it doesn't
matter to mine.' "

Blending Families

Twenty years ago, Michael and Ronna
Anspach of Beverly Hills combined

their two families. Her family is
Christian, his Jewish. Both were par-
ents when they married. Together they
have two teenage daughters, Robyn,
18, and Amy, 17, as well as four grand-
children.
"We celebrate everything," Michael
Anspach said. "We light Chanukah
candles, eat latkes and have a
Christmas tree."
Both Robyn and Amy were raised
Jewish and became bat mitzvah at
Temple Beth El in Bloomfield
Township. An honor student at the
University of Michigan, Robyn has
chosen Hebrew for her foreign lan-
guage.

❑

12/22
2000

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