COMMUNITY VIEWS

A Personal Note From A Grieving Parent

reached out to us with personal notes
t has taken me a long time to
and contributions. We were extremely
put words to paper, but I felt
impressed and touched by these ges-
compelled to write a follow-up
tures. On the other hand, there were
to my Canavan Disease article
people who crawled into the wood-
of Feb. 25 ("A Simple Test For Ashke-
work to hide. We do under-
nazim").
stand that death makes peo-
No, our son did not have
ple uncomfortable. There is
Canavan Disease; however, he
a loss of words when it
died at birth on May 21 from
comes to tragedy, let alone
unknown causes. My hus-
the worst possible: the death
band and I have been corn-
of a child. However, those
pletely devastated by the
people's silence brought us
death of our son. It has been
additional pain, as if our
difficult to find meaning in a
loss was insignificant.
world that is so unfair.
But every day we heal a
CLAI RE
How To Help
bit more; every day we get
As a bereaved parent, I feel
GRO P MAN
less angry. Perhaps through
it is necessary to communi-
Spec ial to
this article I can share my
cate what is needed during
ish
News
the
Jew
experience and help others
these painful times, in order
learn about how to care for
to give others insight into
the bereaved. Maybe, in some
supporting the grieving process
small way, we can pay tribute to our
instead of compounding the hurt.
beloved baby Jack, whom we love with
I didn't need flowers; I needed
all our hearts.
phone calls and hugs. I didn't need
I have to say people's responses to
plants; I needed people to bring din-
our tragedy have surprised us in many
ner, clean my house, mow the lawn. I
ways. Numerous people, including
didn't
need empty offers of assistance;
strangers, came out of the woodwork
I needed people to tell me what they
to express their condolences and give
could do and when. I didn't need
contributions. People whom we had
silence; I needed any acknowledge-
only met once during my pregnancy
ment that our son had briefly lived on
this earth. I didn't need people to tell
me it was beshert [intended] that my
Claire Gropman is a Farmington Hills
son was dead; I needed people to tell
psychotherapist certified in grief counsel-
me that it was okay to be as angry as
ing who now specializes in pregnancy
and infant loss. She can be reached at
hell.
I also didn't need people to tell me
(248) 203-1770.

I

that my son "was not meant to be;" I
needed people to tell me we were
cheated out of a beautiful baby boy
and we would have been great parents.
I didn't need people to tell me that
"you're young and will have other chil-

As a bereaved
parent, I feel it is
necessary to
communicate
what is needed
during these
painful times .. .
to give others
insight .. .

dren;" I needed people to tell me Jack
was special and he will be deeply
missed and can never be replaced. I
didn't need people to tell me "there is
a reason for this;" I needed people to
acknowledge in any way that we have
broken hearts and broken dreams.
Believe it or not, people actually

said all of those things. I know that I
am young and will hopefully some day
have other children, but this did not
help me feel less devastated about
Jack's death. I understand that some
people don't know what to say. So let
this be some sort of a guide to saying
or doing the right things. Still, doing
anything is better than doing nothing.
It's not "better late than never." I
needed a call or card at the time, not
months later. But a hand on the
shoulder and an "I am sorry" is good
enough. People need to think about
the feelings of the bereaved and not
their own comfort zone. All of the
statements listed above were words to
help them feel better about an infant's
death, not me.
However, the majority of our
friends and family were there for us,
and for that we are truly grateful. We
feel blessed to live in this loving Jew-
ish community. You really do find out
the true character of people in times
of need and it has been quite a learn-
ing experience. We have taken com-
fort and refuge in the people who love
us and in our love for each other.
We think about Jack all the time
and miss him with every ounce of our
being. Whenever possible, we show
the few pictures of him that we have
to anyone willing to see them. Our
hearts are healing and we will never be
the same, but we don't want to. Jack
lived inside me for 39 weeks, on this
earth for a few short minutes and in
our souls and minds forever.

❑

Lieberman
Not Off Base

It pains me to see how voters are being
subjugated by a massive influx of sub-
tle propaganda.
Let me explain the difference
between a belief and a practice of a
religion. If you state, "This is my
belief," no one can ask any more of
you. However, if you are purporting a
practice of a religion, then anybody
and everybody can tell you how to act.
Christianity has many divisions. The
world differentiates between Catholics
and Protestants, even though both
believe in Jesus. We Jews distinguish
ourselves by the degree of adherence
to the traditions.
What needs to be understood is the

9/15
2000

84

Sta ff pho to by Kris ta Hma

LETTERS

Jews should be proud
difference between
that the only way the
Sen. Joe Lieberman's
media and politicians
expression in God
can criticize Joe
when giving thanks
Lieberman is because
and a belief in a reli-
he says, "My ethics
gious denomination
and conduct is con-
("On A Wing And A
trolled by my belief in
Prayer," Sept. 1, page
a supreme being." All
19). He asks no one to
modern law is based
follow his direction.
on the Judeo-Christ-
However, Christians
ian foundation in the
worry about the sepa-
Ten Commandments.
ration of church and
Sen. Lieberman at Fellowship
Civilization is the
state because they are
Chapel in Detroit Aug. 27.
result of incorporating
often intent on estab-
these commandments
lishing a unified
into daily behavior. Self-deprecation is
church.
nothing new for Jews. It is a part of
Beware, the criticism of Joe Lieber-
our tradition.
man is often a veiled antisemitism
Comedian Jackie Mason has a bit
smokescreen; the same as, "Some of
about his humor being too Jewish.
my best friends are ..."

Jewish humor is loaded with jokes
about not arousing hatred in bigots.
The Anti-Defamation League does
not speak for the majority of Jews. It,
too, is confusing a "thanks" to a
supreme God with a practice of a reli-
gion. The ADL is a self-appointed group
that limits its existence to detecting anti-
semitic responses. It should first look
within its own ranks. Jewish anti-
semitism often comes from an attempt
to placate the antisemites or be political-
ly correct. That world will never love us.
Thank God, there is a celebrity
who understands that he is not the
center of the universe and gives credit
or thanks to others.
This letter comes from a lifelong
Republican!
Dr. Alvin Pensler

Napa, Calif