CONEY ISLAND

In the book, couples
analyzing when and how it
are guided to an analysis
arose and/or became prob-
of their own religious
lematic for the other
beliefs with questions for
spouse. Perhaps one
discussion, meant to open
spouse became more obser-
dialogue between spouses.
vant since the marriage, or
What is your perception
one became less so. Perhaps
of God's qualities and
the birth of a child or
characteristics? What
other life-cycle event
does prayer mean for you?
sparked religious conflict.
Do you believe it's impor-
Once the conflict is iden-
tant for Jews to continue
tified, Jaffe models strategies
as.a distinct ethnic and
for finding the challenges
Azriella Jaffe:
religious group?
and
opportunities for growth
It is the Jewish
"Maybe you've spent
inherent in the problem.
couple who is not
more time discussing the
By laying down ground
grappling with
wallpaper in the kitchen,"
these issues that
rules for conflict resolution
Jaffe admonishes.
I worry about."
(Seven Principles for Positive
She also urges couples
Communication, see box),
to draw up lists of the
Jaffe shows how compromis-
Jewish convictions they hold in corn-
es can be reached and differences can
mon — visiting Israel, wanting their
be worked out. For each issue, a vari-
children to marry Jews — in order to
ety of compromises are suggested and
appreciate the goals they share.
workable solutions are offered.
The bulk of the book examines
"Marriage is always about merging
ways to reconcile specific religious
who you are becoming as individuals
differences within the marriage.
with who and what you wish to
Entire chapters of the book are devot-
become as a couple," Jaffe writes.
ed to discussion of specific major
"You each have particular lessons to
areas of religious conflict, such as
learn in this lifetime, and your part-
synagogue affiliation, life-cycle
ner is the perfect teacher.
events, Sabbath and holiday obser-
"If you are open, you will learn
vance, and kashrut.
and you will grow. You will become a
Jaffe recommends first articulating
better Jew, and a better human
the particulars of the conflict and
being." El

Finally, the other woman
Although they weren't reli-
manipulated the situation
gious, Pearlman says her fam-
so that I would find out,
ily celebrated the High Holy
and he admitted it."
Days and Passover. However,
Rather than jumping
when Pearlman married an
into divorce, Pearlman, who
African-American, she made
didn't want to break up her
a decision not to raise their
family, opted for counsel-
children with any particular
ing. But the marriage ended
religion.
nonetheless.
"It's hard enough for the
"I am a strong believer in
kids being biracial," she says.
not making a hasty deci-
"We celebrated everything
sion," she says. "I don't
—
Chanuka, Christmas,
Anne Pearl man:
believe in seeking revenge
Easter
and Passover.
"It isn't just the
[on] someone else. I would- men who cheat.
"Now, my younger daugh-
n't recommend ending a
ter is likely to fully embrace
marriage right away, unless
being Jewish. Maybe that's
it's a new marriage, the couple is young
because we have lived alone so much. In
and there are no children. You would
fact, my divorce became final on Yom
want to think twice about putting
Kippur and I went to temple. I thought
much effort into something that has a
that was a sign."
big red flag.
When asked if she believes infidelity
Raised mostly in Pittsburgh,
is less common among Jews, Pearlman
Pearlman grew up in an intellectual
responds quickly with a "no."
Jewish home. Her mother, who died at
"Some of the greatest Jewish writers,
a young age, was a union organizer
such as Philip Roth and Saul Bellow,
before she married, and later became
write a lot about adultery," she says. "I
president of her area's National Council
think the difference is that Jewish hus-
of Jewish Women.
bands may be more committed to keep-

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Farmington Hills
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r positive communication

Avoid hostile arguments
about denomination
and theology.

6527 Telegraph Rd.
Corner of Maple (15 Mile)
Bloomfield Township
(248) 646-8568

Address your mates
concerns and understan d
his or her perspective.

4763 Haggerty Rd. at Pontiac Trail
West Wind Village Shopping Center
West Bloomfield
(248) 669-2295

Make sure that any
solution addresses the
real underlying issues.

841 East Big Beaver, Troy
(248) 680-0094

Find your own reasons
for observing Jewish practice
that your spouse favors.

SOUTHFIELD SOUVLAKI
CONEY ISLAND
Nine Mile & Greenfield
15647 West Nine Mile, Southfield
(248) 569-5229

Replace complaints
and attacks with requests.

Pick. your battles
and identify your "1.0s"
most important issues).

FARMINGTON SOUVLAKI
CONEY ISLAND
Between 13 & 14 on
Orchard Lake Road
30985 Orchard Lake Rd.
Farmington Hills
(248) 626-9732

Treat your spouse
with kindness and respect.

ing their families intact."
Presently, Pearlman, who is single
and maintains a private psychotherapy
practice in Ann Arbor, is busy promot-
ing her book with appearances on Good
Morning, America, the Oxygen network
and MSNBC. And, there is an auction
going on for the paperback rights.
"My book also will be translated into
Hebrew," she says, smiling. "Someone
called from Israel.
"I hope that people will understand
how devastating infidelity is for both the
victim and the betrayed spouse," she
adds. 'And it isn't just the men who
cheat. Nowadays with more women in
the workplace, there is a higher incidence
among women who are unfaithful.
"I think infidelity affects a lot of peo-
ple, and it's something that needs to be
addressed."

❑

Anne Pearlman will read from and
sign copies of her book 7 p.m.
Tuesday, Sept. 19, at Nicola's
Books, 2607 Plymouth Road,
Ann Arbor. (248) 662-6150.

NEW LOCATION:
525 N. Main
Milford
(248) 684.1772

UPTOWN PARTHENON
4301 Orchard Lake Rd.
West Bloomfield
(248) 538-6000

HERCULES FAMILY RESTAURANT
33292 West 12 Mile
Farmington Hills
(248) 489-9777
Serving whitefish, Iamb shank,
pastitsio and moussaka

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