Marriage Matters Mixed Marriages young children, ages 5, 4 and 2, Jaffe is passionate about the need for couples to work out their reli- gious differences in a climate of respect and under- standing "Are you a couple with a shared vision, working out a problem that has arisen between you, or are you two individuals living together trying to fix the other person who has become a problem?" asks Jaffe. "Remember the person you fell in love with," she advises. Numerous case studies of couples from across the country and across the religious spectrum are included in the book, as are sections of advice from rabbis, marriage counselors and others offering sug- gestions for reconciliation and growth. "[The] aim,"lArrites Jaffe, "is to help you ask the right questions, to learn from other couples who have resolved similar problems, and to pass along what the teachers in our tradition convey about the subject." Two Jews Can Still Be a Mixed Marriage covers this complex topic in a well-organized and thor- ough manner. The book's introduction and begin- ning chapters explain the ideals of Jewish marriage and the concepts of beshert, destined spouse, and shalom bayit, domestic harmony. The fears which religious conflict within a mar- riage may arouse are discussed — everything from a breakdown of the marriage to worries about being asked to make sacrifices or to adopt new behaviors "Disagreeing is so ... Jewish," says Jaffe. Yet, she adds, "to struggle as a couple with Jewish matters is something to be celebrated. It is the Jewish couple who is not grappling with these issues that I worry about." . A new book helps Jewish couples reconcile their religious differences. SUSAN TAWIL Special to the Jewish News S he wants ro keep kosher but he doesn't. He wants to go to shul to say Kaddish for his father; she thought they didn't believe in ritualistic Judaism — and how will he have time to drive the carpool? After talking with the neighbors, she suddenly wants to send the kids to a Jewish day school; he thinks the idea is ridiculous — and expensive to boot. He thinks it would be nice if she'd light Shabbat candles and make chicken soup on Friday nights; she wants to go to the movies. What to do? Fight? Insult each other? Grow apart? Divorce? How about reading a book? Two Jews Can Still Be a Mixed Marriage: Reconciling Differences Over Judaism in Your Marriage, by Azriela Jaffe (The Career Press; $14.99), is a practical guidebook for couples at dif- ferent levels of Jewish observance who, despite their differences, wish to maintain or establish a lasting, loving relationship. "Every marriage, even between two Jews, is an intermarriage between two individuals with differ- ent souls and back- grounds," says Jaffe. She should know. Her husband, Stephen, an IFFERENCES ,M IN YOUR accountant, was at a CAGE much higher level of A21 AF I' E. religious observance 333 A3.An i:*i than she was when they tied the knot. The manner in which they've managed to resolve their differences and not only maintain, but strengthen, their seven-year marriage forms the core premise of her book. A seasoned writer, Jaffe, 40, a resident of Newtown, Penn., has authored more than half a dozen other books, most dealing with entrepre- neurial couples in business together. They include Honey, I Want to Start My Own Business: A Planning Guide for Couples and Let's Go Into Business Together: Eight Secrets to Successful Business Partnering. She also writes a syndicated business column, "Advice from A-Z," and puts out online newsletters for couples in business. But in this, her latest book, Jaffe writes from strong personal conviction. The mother of three Addressing Adultery In "Infidelity" Ann Arbor author Anne Pearlman tells the true story of the devastating effects of marital betrayal on three generations of Jewish American women. ALICE BURDICK SCHWEIGER Special to the Jewish News A nn Arbor psychotherapist Ann Pearlman thought she had an ideal marriage. In the mid-1980s she had written Keep the Home Fires Burning: How to Have an Affair with Your Spouse, and appeared on Oprah and Donahue speaking out about the joys of sexual monogamy. But unfortunately, after 30 years, she learned her marriage was far from perfect: Her husband was hav- ing an affair. • In dealing with her anger and pain, Pearlman began keeping a journal. "While I was writing in my journal, childhood memories surfaced about my father and grandfather cheating," says Pearlman, "so I wanted to 9 /1 5 '10 explore those memo- ries once again and share my experiences in the form of a book, hoping that people going through marital betrayal would see they are not alone." The result is Infidelity: A Memoir by Ann Pearlman (MacAdam/Cage; $22), a book that details three gen- erations of marital philandering in one family. It hits bookstores this month. Pearlman will read from her memoir Sept. 19 at Nicola's Books on Plymouth Road in Ann Arbor. Pearlman candidly chronicles her life and marriage, beginning with her early childhood and delving into the marital lives of her grandparents and parents. Told in the first person, Pearlman calls Infidelity a fictional- ized memoir, because she changes the characters' names to protect her children. Still, she doesn't hold much back NArhile she revisits her emotional past. "My grandfather was a physician, and during the Depression he had an affair with a social worker at the hospital," says Pearlman. "But my grandmother found out about the affair and went to my grandfather's mis- tress' parents and told them their daughter [was] creat- ing a scandal. "So the mistress' parents called a Jewish marriage broker and got her out of town. Yet, she continued to correspond with my grandfather until he died." Pearlman's father, whom she calls "a serial philan- derer," had numerous affairs. "My father was charm- ing, good-looking and very successful, and wanted to seduce lots of women," says Pearlman. He died in his 40s of a heart attack. Pearlman's husband, an African-American University of Michigan fine arts professor, had an affair with a married Japanese student. "We were invited to dinner at this married woman's home," recalls Pearlman, who met her husband at the University of Iowa, where she spent a year before grad- uating from the University of Pittsburgh. . "It was apparent she was crazy about my husband. As their working relationship continued, they spent more time together, and I could tell he was changing. He was increasingly enamoured with her, and I asked him if he was having an affair, but he denied it.