The Culture of Adoption

FACES

from page 14

Albanian orphanage before he was
adopted. Though the nuns were very
loving, his mother Jacqueline Fox
explains, they never disciplined the
children. That made adjustment at
school here difficult for their son.
"Jonah didn't know about lining up
or circle time," she says.
"Let alone how to hold a pencil,"
Frank Hoffman adds.
A few months after Jose Hecker
arrived here, he and his new family
visited his birth sister Letti, 10, who
had been adopted by a South
Carolinian family. Jose, who spoke
only Spanish, was unable to talk with
Letti, who by then had forgotten her
native tongue. Jose at first was hesi-
tant to learn English for fear he'd for-
get Spanish, too. He wants to be able
to talk to his sister Beatriz when she
arrives next month.
"It's not necessary for a child to
give up his language to learn anoth-
er," Yellin says. She suggests that the
adoptive family learn words in their
son or daughter's native language —
nicknames or expressions — and keep
some familiar foods in the house.
Good post-adoption support is
necessary, says Yellin, who adds that
some therapists specialize in adoption
issues.

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For many, adopting a child also trig-
gers grief at the inability to have a
biological child.
Yellin says, "The community
needs to know that they inadver-
tently add to a family's hurt by say-
ing things like, 'Too bad you don't
have your own children' or 'Are their
real parents dead? Are they really
yours?'"
Luckily, Jewish adoptive parents
know these comments are usually •
made out of ignorance, not malice.
"The Jews are the original 'family
values' people," says Carolyn
McPherson, former dean of students
at the Michigan Jewish Institute in
Oak Park. She facilitated a 1993
Michigan report on Jewish adop-
tion.
In keeping with longstanding tra-
dition, she finds the Jewish sense of
family and of responsibility for help-
ing children without parents tran-
scends geographic boundaries.
"All adoption," says Rabbi Gold,
"is about building Jewish families...
and the family is still the most
important element of Jewish life." ❑

Related story: page 59

