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It was very much a traditional house with blue walls, dosed blinds and a living room that "smelled of elec- tric heat and boiled chicken and week-old fruit slowly going soft in a large wooden bowl." Yet the woman who lived there was anything but static or pre- dictable. She was "colorful, opin- ionated, ubiquitous, stubborn, lov- ing, patient, devoted, intelligent, intrusive, funny, tragic, uncontrol- lably obsessive, wildly superstitious, and capable of both astonishing acts of compassion and unpre- dictable fits of rage." For many years, the author says, she rarely really thought about her grandmother, who was just there, much like the girl's swing set or lunch. But then as she became older, it was actually the distance between them, the realization that she would never experience her grandmother the way she did her mother, that drove Edelman to write a book. Mother of My Mother is the story of Edelman's relationship with her own mother and grandmother, but includes many reflections from other women shaped by their grandmoth- ers. Some of these stories are tender, focusing on loving, supportive grandparents. "I just thank God that my grand- mother had a place in my life," writes one woman, who was physi- cally and emotionally abused by her parents. "I do believe I'd be institutionalized if I didn't have her in my upbringing." Another states, "I would go to my grandmother instead of to my moth- er about the personal events in my life. I would tell her about the things I was going through at school, about puberty and boys." Other stories are distinctly trou- bling, such as the account by a woman named Helen, who at 4 accidentally ripped a dress her grandmother had made. Her mother threatened, "Just wait until I tell your grandmother," who sat stone-faced, unforgiving, when she saw what Helen had done. Edelman says that the relationship with one's grandmother is critical to d child's emotional security; it can complement parental love, or serve as the only real stability in a child's life. She recounts one story of a teenager whose angry mother sim- ply walked away as the two stood in an international airport. Fortunate- ly, the grandmother was nearby and as the granddaughter consid- ered this, she literally said, "Thank God for my grandmother." In her book, Edelman describes four types of grandmother: The Gentle Giant: A behind-the- scenes powerhouse who is always spoken of with respect and admira- tion. The Benevolent Manipulator: The meddler, the know-it-all who is full of sage advice (just ask her — she'll tell you how right she is) and never hesitates to dispense it. Yet she's also loyal and devoted. The Autocrat: This is the grand- mother whose very name translates to fear. She has power and rules over the entire family. The Kinkeeper: The woman who maintains the family traditions. Everyone gathers at her home for the holidays and looks to her for wisdom. And how does Edelman define her own grandmother? After her lengthy research for this book, what has she learned about her grand- mother as a Gentle Giant or Benev- olent Manipulator, Autocrat or Kin- keeper? Above all, Edelman has discov- ered that her grandmother was always ... more complicated than she seemed. Whenever I felt I'd finally gotten a handle on her, just when I'd finally convinced myself that she was either mentally intact or not, she'd go and act in a man- " ner so diametrically opposed that it would call all of her prior behaviors — and my powers of evaluation =- into question." As the book comes to a close, Edelman sits with her grandmother whose mental faculties have lapsed. Yet in a moment of mental lucidity, the elder woman confesses that she's afraid of dying. The author answers, "I'm afraid of dying, too." And then Edelman offers a lov- ing gift, "the only meaningful gift I can think of to give." As she takes her grandmother's hand, she slow- ly, lovingly, tells her the story of a woman who once worked as a legal secretary, then met her future husband at the Catskills, honeymooned in Cuba and had a granddaughter named Hope. It is the story of her grandmother's life. Edelman writes, "I think, perhaps, this is what it all comes down to: those few precious memories and a hand to hold at the end." Hope Edelman holds a master's degree in creative nonfiction from the University of Iowa and a bachelor's degree in journal- ism from Northwestern Universi- ty. Edelman's articles have appeared in numerous maga- zines, and her first book in 1994, Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss, spent 38 weeks on the New York Times best-seller list. She lives in Los Angeles with her husband and daughter. I-ope Edelman will speak at the Jewish Book Fair 6:30 p.m. Thursday, Nov. 11, at the D. Dan & Betty Kahn Building of the Jewish Community Center in West Bloomfield, co-sponsored by Commission on Jewish Elder- care Services (CODES) and LeVine Institute on Aging.