For the new mom, or any
mom seeking to re-envi-
•
sion family life, Parenting
IOURNIFY.- •
as a Spiritual Journey:
Deepening Ordinary and
Extraordinary Events into
Sacred Occasions (Jewish
Lights Publishing;
$16.95), by Rabbi Nancy
Fuchs-Kreimer, provides a helpful guide to
the question: How am I going to raise my_
child's soul? In her introduction, Fuchs-
Kreimer writes, "Living with small chil-
dren was a crash course in all the themes I
studied: love, grace, cre-
ation, revelation, forgive-
ness, law, suffering,
power. Ten years later, it
was clear that parenting
was the most intensive
seminar on spirituality
around." This book fol-
lows the course of just a
single day, but moments
Nancy
occasioned by routine
acts like changing diapers Fuchs-Kreimer
or giving a bath are made
sacred by a word or ges-
ture or intention. "I hope that reading this
book helps you to think about your issues
in a different way, to see moments in your
own life as opportunities to experience the
reality of God," writes Fuchs-Kreimer. The
rabbi serves as director of the religious
studies program at the Reconstructionist
Rabbinical College in Philadelphia, where
she also teaches.

•PARENTIN6
•
AS

Therapist Harriet Lerner shares advice and wisdom about her other full-time job.

DINA FUCHS
Special to the Jewish News

Clinic in Topeka, Kan., where she and her husband
moved in 1972. One of the first things the Brooklyn
native noticed about her new hometown in Kansas was
efore she had children, author Harriet Lerner,
that, as a Jew, she was no longer in the majority. But being
a Ph.D. in psychology, was sure she wouldn't
in the religious minority wasn't the only difference
make the same mistakes she saw other par-
between Lerner's sons' upbringing and her own.
ents making with their kids.
As a child, she and her sister were patients of famed
Then she became a mother.
pediatrician Dr. Benjamin Spock. Lerner is proud to
"What I learned most from having children was
note that The Mother Dance is the last book the leg-
humility," she maintains. "Before I had kids, I was
endary doctor read and endorsed prior to his death in
amazed at the improper behavior of other
1997. When her sons were younger, she tried
mothers. I swore I would never yell at my
to explain the significance of her childhood
kids, I would never fight with my husband
physician to them.
in front of them, and I would never feed
"I would boast to them that Dr. Spock
them at McDonald's. Plus, I wasn't going
was my doctor. And my kids were so
to be a worrier like my own mother."
impressed," she says quixotically. "They ran
She pauses and then sighs, admitting,
around and told all their friends that Dr.
"I did all of those things and more. We
Spock had been my doctor. So all these little
don't have a clue what our kids will evoke
boys in Topeka were so impressed. Then it
in us until after we have them."
emerged that they thought I was talking
If a trained and nationally renowned
about the Star Trek character!"
Harriet Lerner
expert on relationships admits she isn't the
All kidding aside, while Lerner was, and
picture of perfect motherhood, what hope
still
is, actively involved in both her sons' lives,
.
t
;
is there for the rest of us?
fellTiCt
she dismisses the negative stereotype of a
In Lerner's latest book, The Mother
"Jewish mother" — one who smothefs her
Dance: How Children Change Your Life
children with love and protection. "I teach
(HarperCollins; $25), she dispels the myth
mothers to hold onto their sons, to not worry
that a maternal ideal exists.
that they'll turn their sons into a 'mama's boy'
"Someone coined the phrase,
or a 'sissy,'" she says. "Boys do not suffer from
`matraphohia: fear of being one's mother,"'
becoming like their Jewish mothers. Boys suffer
says Lerner. "Every mother has strengths,
from the false notion that they should grow up
How Children Change
competence and wisdom, as well as prob-
to be as unlike their mothers as possible."
Your Life
lems, limitations and vulnerability."
As a mother for more than two decadeS
■
As a columnist for New Woman maga-
now, Lerner also disputes the notion that par-
zine and the author of the national best-
ents should be racked with guilt about the
seller The Dance of Anger, as well as several other books
inevitable blunders that go along with raising a child. To
Lerner has written extensively on the subject of fami-
some extent, she feels that mothers get a bad rap, shoul-
lies, but never specifically from the perspective of a
dering the blame for many of their children's woes and
mother. Years ago, with one son in college and another
inadequacies, and setting impossibly high standards for
in high school, she set out to write a book on parent-
themselves.
ing. That idea was scrapped after her first research trip
"When I had my first child, there was something
to a local bookstore.
around to make all mothers feel scared and guilty," Lerner
"I noticed there were a billion books on parenting
recalls. "Employed mothers were warned that their chil-
and almost nothing on the mother's experience of hav-
dren — deprived of constant maternal attention ---
ing children and how her life was changed and trans-
would not thrive. And homemakers were depicted by the
formed," says Lerner. "So, I thought to myself, `Aha!
media as idiots who drooled over their newly waxed
This is the book I want to *rite."'
floors. Even now, women feel on the defensive, so it's very
Though they were comfortable with their mom's
easy for one woman to be critical of another woman's
reputation as a distinguished lecturer and trusted thera-
choices and to be worried about her own choices, as if the
pist, Lerner made sure she got her sons' blessings before
differences among us were a condemnation or judgment."
she began to divulge the nitty-gritty details of their
In the end, parents will make mistakes, most children
childhood. Admitting to her own neuroses (she insists
(who do not adhere to the laws of kashrut) will eventually
that she and her husband, Steve, don't fly together for
eat at McDonald's, and they will 4111 grow up to be produc-
fear their kids might be rendered parentless), Lerner
tive, even respectable adults. Lerner points out that, although
touches on everything from urging her youngest son,
the decision to have children is "a lifelong lesson in feeling
Ben, to clean his room to her dismay with his pierced
out of control," the benefits seem. to far outweigh the costs.
ear, ponytail and partially shaved head.
"What you learn when you become a mother is that
Aside from her duties as a mother, Lerner is a staff
you are capable of deep love, compassion and protective-
ness," she notes. "You also learn that you are not the
psychologist and psychotherapist at the Menninger
calm, clear-thinking, mature, saint-like person that you
Dina Fuchs writes for our sister paper the Atlanta Jewish Times.
fancied yourself to be before you became a mother."

,•r .. .,,.s:

C'c

• •

LIZ;M-1-1Y.Atir:

f; A 170•., !

In a tribute to mothers
everywhere, Jennifer
Moses in Food and
Whine (Simon and
Schuster; $22) chronicles
the chaos and joys of fam-
ily life. Writing about the
years her twins were born,
her mother was diagnosed
with cancer and her husband decided to
change jobs, Moses' true-life-tale-cum-
novel transforms the
mundane into the funny.
Like Erma Bombeck
before her, she kvetches,
copes and captures the
essence of motherhood
— from being conflicted
about career and family
to the dubious delights
of Power Rangers and
Jennifer Moses
Barney reruns to the
endless cycle of breakfast
time, snack time, lunch time, snack time,
dinner time and after-dinner time that is
parenthood. Moses, a freelance journalist,
resides in Baton Rouge, La.

!.'

❑