We Are All
On A First-Name Basis

"Sure thing, Lou, and do you want
hose were the nominees.
it
with
stripes on the sleeves?"
Now, the envelope please.
Or
picture
this exchange with a
And this year's award for
courier
stall
in
Fez, Morocco: "I'm Dr.
The Most Insipid
Moses Maimonides, account
Chuminess by a National
number 446. I would like to
Corporation goes to (drum
have this letter delivered
roll) Airborne Express!"
promptly
Don't accept my word for
"N000 problemo, buddy.
it. Ring them up, at 1-800-
But we charge extra if you
247-2676. What you'll hear
want horse service. That
is, "Welcome to Airborne
okay with you, Mosey?"
Express. This is Loretta
Somehow, I doubt that these
Danby. May I have your first
gentlemen of distinction
name.
would have tolerated such
RABBI
BOB
Taken completely off
responses.
ALPER
guard when I called, I simply
Nowadays? Close
Special
to
The
caved in. "Bob," I obedient-
encounters of every kind. It
Jewish
News
ly blurted out, to which
makes me crazy. But I found
Loretta responded, "How can
a solution. It works like this:
I help you, Bob?"
"Hello, I'd like to speak with Rabbi
Loretta thinks she and I are good
Robert
Alper."
buddies. And apparently, the head
"This is Rabbi Alper."
honchos at Airborne Express have
"Robert, this is Christine calling
decided that the folks who call them
from the Star Bank. Robert, we're
prefer the warm, fuzzy, palsy-walsy
offering a new home equity program.
approach.
May we enroll you, Robert?"
Well, here's my admittedly sardonic
To which I very pleasantly, even
view: I spent a total of 10 years in col-
graciously respond, "Chrissie, please!
lege and rabbinical seminary so that
Just call me by my nickname. It's Cha-
strangers might call me "Rabbi." And
noch Rach-miel."
I invested an additional three years in
a doctoral program so that people
might call me "Doctor." Still, I'm basi-
cally an informal type, a regular guy,
hopefully not too taken with myself.
As a matter of fact, in nearly every sit-
by Martha Jo Flesichmann
uation, after I'm introduced to a per-
son, I interject, "Please. Call me Bob."
There once was a stallion named
But not Loretta Danby of Airborne
Holtz
Express.
Who'd fathered a number of colts.
This would not have happened in
His wife" told him, "Bud,
previous eras. Imagine this phone call
You may be a stud,
from Washington, D.C.: "Good
But stop prancing ground here so
morning. Academic Outfitters? This is
shtoltz!"*
Louis Brandeis speaking, and I need
to order a judge's robe."
* arrogant
Rabbi Bob Alper is a stand-up comic
IlikaiRdiMMONSAM MMOSEMIii
and author based in Vermont.

,,

\—)

Yiddish Limericks

/ Th
\

/—)

Howz By You

Topping The Charts

Fans of Letterman or not, everyone
seems to have a Top Ten List. These
may be annoyances or frustrations or
observations of goings on in society.
Send your lists to Sy Manello: smanel-
lo@thejewishnews.com or fax to (248)
354-6069. Please make sure your list is
in good taste. We reserve the right to
edit or reject items.

This was received via Internet from
former Detroiter Gail Schatten, now of
Palo Alto, Calif.

INTERNATIDNAL RA1301 COOMSELS
OVER 20
PEACE A WARP!
HOLLY WOOD 5-rA.5!

WELL

For

JARC
Merle and Shirley Harris
Children and
Family Division

Services for children with any
disability and their families.

Country Western, Jewish Style

1. "I Was One of the Chosen People
(`Til She Chose Somebody Else)"
2. "Stand by Your Mentsh"
3. "I've Got My Foot On The
Glass, Where Are You?"
4. "Honky Tonk Nights on the
Golan Heights"
5. "Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen
Latkes"
6. "I Balanced Your Books, but
You're Breaking My Heart"
7. "The Second Time She Said
`Shalom', I Knew She Meant
`Goodbye'
8. "You're the Lox My Bagel's Been
Missin'"
9. "You've Been Talkin' Hebrew in
Your Sleep Since That Rabbi Came
to Town"
10. "Mamas, Don't Let Your
Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be
Cowboys (When They Could Very
Easily Have Just Taken Over the
Family Hardware Business that My
Own Grandfather Broke His Back
to Start and My Father Sweat Over
for Years,
Which Apparently Doesn't Mean
Anything Now That You're Turning
Your Back on Such a Gift)"

BY Mendel

OUR RABBI JOST' OH YEAH?
WELL OUR
WON A MAO-OR

BECAUSE
ALL
CHILDREN
ARE PART
OF OUR
COMMUNITY

•

New Program Launched!

VARIETY INCLUSIVE
RECREATION INITIATIVE

will provide para-professional
aides so children with special

needs can participate side by
side with other children in

inclusive recreation activities:

• Sports teams

• Youth organizations,
such as scouts

• Art and dance classes and
other enrichment activities

• Summer recreation
programs

NOWT WANT To BOAST,

OUR RAM RIGHT HEM

SVST 14A D A 1300K ZEV /Et.)
POBLISHS-D /A) OUR 5 A.1A6060e-

BU(,LET1M

AND HE, tI.M06T. NEVER
66-- rs me- MAME PLEASC
FRANK
WRON6 WREN

Gflii/J6

EUl-06!

/0141

))

JOu'Rc MAKING

VIR1 is funded by a grant
from VARIETY
The Children's Charity

(v)6- 131."H

For more information,
call JARC at

248-352-5272

pm

28366 Franklin Road
' Southfield, Ml 48034
jarc@speedlink.net

JARC Does It With Heart

Detroit Jewish News

3/26
1999

5