One Size
Does Not
Fit All

Getting To Know You:
Advertising For Love

widowed Jewish professional, attrac-
od does not punish the
tive, bright, humorous, seeks tall male
shadchan (matchmaker) for
counterpart, under 65, with own hair
telling lies," the Yiddish
and teeth ••"
proverb tells us; and so, I
A "physically active,
suppose, the writers of
world-traveled, semi-
some personals ads might
retired physician" was
also be forgiven their slight
equally direct, stipulating
exaggerations.
that his heart would only
Just a few years ago, per-
be melted by an "attractive,
sonals were considered the
natural, unburdened, mini-
bastion of true losers, those
mal shopper." Minimal
folks with no social skills,
shopper?
unable to find love in the
One of my favorites
traditional ways.
appeared in the Forward,
Nowadays, the classifieds
obviously placed by a
of Jewish weeklies and
woman with a great comic
other papers have become
sense: "Striking, sophisti-
RABBI BOB ALPER cated slender redhead, for-
the "meet markets" of the
millennium, festooned
Special to
mer model from the
with cleverly worded mes-
The Jewish News
Midwest. Looking to meet
sages. And the happy fact
charming, intelligent, fun
is, they often work.
loving, self-sufficient gen-
I read these postings
tleman, 50-65, for mature relation-
every chance I get. There's a little bit
ship. Must have positive cash flow, a
of shadchan in me, too; I'm always on
substantial amount of stocks and
the lookout for someone who'd be a
bonds, and have a terminal disease
perfect match for a few of my single
with no known heirs."
friends. Plus, I'm fascinated by the
And years ago, this appeared in
ways people describe themselves and
Boston's alternative paper, the Phoenix.
articulate their desires.
"Single Jewish woman seeks single
Nearly everyone is either pretty or
Jewish man with dead mother."
handsome, intelligent but with a great
Recently, while checking the
sense of humor, a homebody who
"People Connector" in the Detroit
enjoys all sports. And it's enlightening
Jewish News, I discerned a peculiar
to realize that seven out of 10 people
theme running through many of the
apparently spend a good part of their
ads. "Attractive blonde with lovely fig-
waking moments "taking long walks
ure, in 60s ..." one notice read, and
on the beach."
others were similarly descriptive.
I've been saving favorite personals
"Beautiful blonde, petite, warm, giv-
ads for several years. Everyone's look-
ing, 50 ..." "I'm blonde, fit, smart,
ing for a soulmate; a couple of older
funny, impulsive ..." Pretty, green-
women got down to specifics:
eyed blonde, professional ...
"Widow with perfect figure desires
"Ravishing blonde. Let's make dreams
one-woman man in 60s who has con-
come true together."
cern for Israel's survival." "European
I'm still wondering why all these
Norwegian women are advertising in
Rabbi Bob Alper is a stand-up comic
The Jewish News. fl
and author.

G

Hon By You

imprityt

Topping
The Charts

Fans of Letterman or not, everyone
seems to have a Top Ten List. These may be
annoyances or frustrations or observations
of goings on in society. Send your lists to Sy
Mane& smanello @thejewishnews. corn
or fax to (248) 354-6069. Please make
sure your list is in good taste. We reserve the
right to edit or reject items.

Just in time for the holiday, Debbie
Hitsky of Southfield shares with us an
Internet item she found.

Top Ten Least Favorite
Hamentashen Fillings
1. Shmaltz herring
2. Chopped liver
3. Leftover kugel
4. Poached whitefish
5. Chopped brisket
6 Nova lox
7. Kishke
8. Kasha
9. Horseradish
10. Gribenes (fried chicken skin)

Yiddish Limericks

by Martha Jo Fleischmann
"I'm leaving before it's too late,"
Complained a hyena's new mate.
"From here ever after,
Your narisha* laughter
Can make someone else go
tsadrayt!" **

foolish
** crazy

,,,mami mgaggiN E SMitE4A-M N P:::MMER M Siat

.

MD WHO CHOOSE VS? DO WE
HAVE A CHOICE? WHAT
ABOUT THOSE tJ140 WEREN'T-
CHOSEN? WHAT EXACTLO
IS 60(N6 ON HERE?

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INDIVIDUAL'S NEEDS

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WE PROVIDE A
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Friends to meet, activities to
enjoy, cultural and religious
opportunities — all that makes
life full and complete.
•

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LIVING SERVICES

• Newly expanded

• Serving people with
any level of disability

BY Mendel

WHAT'S ALL -0415
*FOSIKIESS ABOUT BEING
fHE CHOSEN PEOPLE?CHOSEN
To DO WHAT,
EXACTLY ?

JARC
INDEPENDENT
LIVING
SERVICES

HAVEN'T EXACTLI3
CHOSEN
r CAN'T EVEN
CHOOSE WHICH
THE RIGHT
PROGRAM TO
PERSON TO
WATCH TONIGHT
ASK, NAVE I?

• Professional staff to ensure
your family member's life
is well-coordinated
•

CALL 248-352-5272 V/TrY
FOR MORE INFORMATION.

A Jewish Association for
Residential Care for persons
with developmental disabilities

28366 Franklin Road
Southfield, MI 48034

2/26
1999

Detroit Jewish News

5