How The Jewish People Left The Wilderness

Zoning had been achieved in actual
he Torah tells us that our
practice
during the past 39 years. As a
ancestors wandered in the
result
of
this study, the Commission
wilderness for 40 years after
finds
the
Mishkan to be in violation on
the Exodus before entering
the
following
counts.
the land of Canaan.
1.
Unscheduled
re-siting of the
According to ancient documents,
Mishkan
has
disrupted
established car-
the timing of actual entry involved the
avan
routes,
causing
delays
Mishkan, the portable taber-
and
reducing
the
collection
nacle completed 12 months
of turnpike revenues by the
after entering the wilderness
Commission. In addition,
and used during the subse-
your
Levite transport per-
quent 39 years of wandering.
sonnel
have been cited
The dedication of the
repeatedly
by our inspectors
Mishkan had been marred by
for
failing
to
display "Wide
the deaths of Aaron's sons
Load"
warnings
as mandated
Nadab and Abihu, who
by
local
statute.
brought an alien fire while,
2. The "pillar of fire" bill-
according to the Midrash
ROBE RT R.
board
exceeds maximum
VaYikra Rabba, under the
APPL ESON
height
and brightness guide-
influence of intoxicating
Specia 1 to The
lines
for
outdoor illuminated
drink. This incident, as well
Jewish News
signs,
and
your documenta-
as certain details of the
tion
provides
no evidence of
Mishkan's operation, led to
mandatory
UL
testing
and
rating.
the following correspondence from the
Absent
such
testing
and
rating,
we find a
Sinai Zoning Commission, established
clear
and
present
danger
from
spark-
500 years after the flood, re: Keeping
induced combustion, which is exacer-
the Wilderness Free of Riffraff.
bated by the Mishkan's lacking sufficient
Mr. Moses ben Amram
exits for emergency egress.
Tent of Meeting
3. While the Commission appreciates
Camp of the Israelites
the effort to provide handicapped access
Sinai Desert 45237-0613
to the altars housed inside the Mishkan,
Dear Mr. ben Amram:
the incline of their ramps exceeds that
This is to inform you that the
allowed by regulation for safe operation
Commission has rejected your applica-
of wheelchairs. Furthermore, the exclu-
tion to erect and operate a portable
sion of priests from service duo to disfig-
tabernacle, hereinafter referred to as the
urement constitutes a violation of the
Mishkan in accordance with your ter-
Sinaitic Disability Act.
minology. Pursuant to your applica-
4. A number of furnishings and gar-
tion, the Commission examined at
ments used in the Mishkan require the
length the construction plans and oper-
blue dye found exclusively in the chila-
ating procedures set forth in the second
zon fish. As you have been notified
and third books bearing your name.
previously, this fish was placed on the
In addition, Commission staff
Endangered Species List by the Tower
undertook extensive on-site inspections
of Babel Planning Authority.
and interviews to determine whether
5. We acknowledge the successful
compliance with the Sinai Code of
demonstration by your ritual director,
Robert Appleson is associate vice pres-
Aaron the Priest, that the altar flame is
ident for academic affairs at Northern
sufficiently contained to meet applica-
Kentucky University in Highland
ble fire safety standards. However, the
Heights, Ky.
ritual director was unable to produce

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form lack handrails and, second, no
fire extinguishers or automatic sprin-
kling system have been provided for
an unsupervised open flame.
7. The deaths of two sobriety-
deprived priests during the dedication
of the Mishkan remain unexplained.
As you know, the Sinai Trial Lawyers
Association has filed a class action suit
alleging this Commission's failure to
protect the human rights of those who
pass the bar. While many Sinai resi-
dents do wish the fate of the two
priests on attorneys, we cannot turn a
blind eye to such an obvious threat to
communal safety.
In light of the number and severity
of the problems above and in light of
your failure to address them adequately
over the past 39 years, the Commission
must now order you to cease and desist
from the erection and operation of the
Mishkan. After 10 days, non-compli-
ance with this order will result in auto-
matic deportation to the Land of
Canaan. Have a nice day! 1-1

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documentation of asbestos abatement
as required in the Code of Zoning.
The operation of the altar also pre-
sents health hazards through natural
ground water contamination from sac-
rificial blood run-off.
6. The facilities and operation of
the menorah candelabra do not satisfy
basic occupational safety requirements.
First, the steps for the ignition plat-

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2/19
1999

Detroit Jewish News

5

