/Scene

She Says

ALLISON KAPLAN

Special to The Jewish News

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Now we' ize

38-year-old Jewish woman
from California writes in:
"I'm recently single after a
long-term relationship and
find the singles world bewildering.
"After scanning the people connec-
tor ads, it appears that most, if not
all, men desire a woman younger
than themselves. Are these men a)
looking for someone to mentor; b)
looking to improve their ego and
appearance by being with someone
younger; c) afraid to compete with a
woman their own age whether profes-
sionally or maturity-wise?"
A few thoughts immediately pop
into mind:
Superficial. Immature. Mid-life
crisis.
But in all fairness, I'm female. So
I took this touchy question to a
couple of single men in their late
30s who have written to me in
recent months with their own frus-
trations about the Jewish dating
scene. They responded enthusiasti-
cally, but anonymously.
(Apparently, some people feel that
pontificating about the opposite sex
and the perils of being single isn't
going gain them any ground on the
dating scene.)
I'll start with the response
women will most enjoy getting hos-
tile about.
"I find that women who take the
best care of themselves (and I don't
mean by the plastic surgeon's knife)
are the most physically attractive.
Without being hypocritical, I try
very hard to take good care of
myself, so I don't think that I have a
double standard.
"Of course, women become more
or less attractive to me based on
their personality. I think, then, that
it is very natural for a male to be
attracted, more often than not, to a
woman that might be younger,
because it is more likely that she has
been able to keep herself in good
shape."
Allow me an editorial comment:
Whatever.
But this 37-year-old pediatrician,
who really does seem very nice,
went on to offer up one of the
major dating rationales I heard
from several men his age. He's get-
ting older. He still wants to have
kids. He figures his best shot is
finding a younger woman.
I decided to run that one by the

woman whose letter opened this
discussion.
"It's a valid response," she said.
"And it might be true for some men
who've suddenly grown up. But I
don't think it's the real reason. I'd
also like to have kids, and I figure
I've still got six years. That's a long
time."
Fair enough. So we go to a 39-
year-old Chicago male who sounds
more like a psychologist than the
lawyer that he is.
"I think the simplistic or surface
answer is that men want that which
is not readily available. A man,
from an ego perspective, wants to
attract a woman who (in his mind)
is worthy of his attention and, to a
certain extent, the attention of
other men. In this way, his 'choice'
is validated. A woman who is
`appropriate' (at least from a set of
criteria including age, general
appearance, etc.) somehow seems
too available and, in a peculiar way,
not worthy of his attention."
I was particularly interested in
how our psychologist/attorney ,
would respond:
"Most Jewish men and women
start out wanting to find a compati-
ble Jewish mate, but the expecta-
tions sabotage the dating process.
Instead of focusing on the joy of
making a 'Jewish connection' with a
member of the opposite sex, many
people really d. on't know why they
want to be with someone Jewish ...
hence, the resentment and feeling
of losing control.
"When Jewish women treat
Jewish men solely as marriage mate-
rial, as opposed to sexy, exciting,
interesting and fun (traits they
probably ascribe to non-marriage-
able, non-Jewish men), Jewish men
rebel from 'appropriate' Jewish
women."
I'll give our letter-writing female
the final word. She agrees that
many Jewish women are looking for
educated, professional men, but says
that's because they are educated,
professional women who are look-
ing for an equal.
If there was one accusation vehe-
mently denied by the men I ques-
tioned, it was wanting someone
younger who they could mentor.
On the contrary, they spoke of
wanting a woman who would chal-
lenge them. And women, I know
that's one criterion most of us have
no problem exceeding. El

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