For Openers...

P The Secret Messages
Of 'Spell Check'

L

day, but it's Purim that I wanted to
of kippah.
et the 21st century dawn.
write.
Of course, how could I not try
I'm ready.
The
word
"shul"
didn't
strike
the
word "tuchis"? Not surprisingly,
Got a mega-gigabyte com-
their
fancy
either.
Naaah.
You
must
the
system didn't recognize it.
puter, CD with speakers, a
mean
"shell,"
"shill,"
Instead,
I was directed to "touch-
color printer, a scanner,
"shuffle"
or
"shuttle"
I
was
ups,"
which,
I suppose, has some-
Internet connection (Guf-
advised.
That
last
sugges-
thing
to
do
with
liposuction.
faw@compuserve.com ) and
tion's not bad, though,
Finally, in exasperation, I typed
even a Web site
given the fact that, for
"Oy." Nope. No such word. I was
(www.bobalper.com ). Most
many
families,
shul
mem-
referred to "Oyo," which I couldn't
important, I have a magic
bership
is
predicated
on
find
even in my old-fashioned paper
number, 555-2921, raped
car-pool
availability.
dictionary.
The only thing I could
just below my screen. With
At
least
with
"latke"
the
figure
is
that
it's a variant spelling of
that last piece of informa-
correction
remained
within
Ed
McMahon's
famous yell.
tion, I can do anything. It's
the
food
realm.
"Latte
-
My
computer
also has a program
the phone number of a 9-
RABBI BOB
was the sole suggestion.
called "Grammar Check." But I ain't
year-old neighbor who
ALPER
"Shabbar" was referred to
no way going into that. ❑
shows me how to use all
Special to The
"Sherbet."(A
clever
rabbi
this stuff.
Jewish News
will make a good sermon
One of the neatest fea-
our
of that some day, com-
tures actually corrects my
paring
the
sweetness
of sherbet to
spelling. In various computers the
the
delight
of
Shabbar.)
program is called either "AutoSpell,"
The first suggestion for correcting
"Spell Check" or "How Did They
"Kippur" was, believe it or nor,
(A little taste ofYiddish)
Let You Out of Elementary School?"
"chipper." There's a contrast. "Kip-
and it works by underlining the
pur" evoked a slew of additional
Borgen macht zorgen.
offending word in green as you type
terms. including "copier," "caper, "
Borrow causes sorrow.
or by doing a once-over after you've
"skipper," "nipper," "dipper," "rip-
Just ask any bankruptcy
finished the document. Sort of like a
per,"
"sipper," "tipper," "zipper" and,
attorney.
censorious mentor looking over your
my favorite, "keeper," which, I
shoulder.
imagine, is a Maine pronunciation
Problem is, the developers of
these programs were not Jewish.
Those invisible coaches are right
on target when they remind me that
psychosis" has a silent "h" in it. But
what happens when I type a perfect-
ly good and accurately spelled word
Ignorance about Judaism is the greatest danger to the Jewish people."
from my Hebrew/Yiddish heritage? I
— Rabbi M. Robert Syme, in the "Biblical Highs" class of the Temple Israel
get an electronic smack on the wrist.
Academy
"Purim," I typed, but the screen
disagreed, suggesting that what I
"Just try checking into a hotel with my name.
probably meant to type was
— Adolf Hittler, a retired Austrian school bus driver, at a recent conference for
purred," "primped" or "peril." Well,
people with odd names.
"peril" was pretty close, when you
think about the story of that holi-
"Absolut Tchotchke."

SHIFT
INTO
"CHAI"
GEAR

Donate your
car to ARC!

Phrase*

Quotables

— Magazine advertisement for Absolut Vodka, showing a knicknack version of
the product.

Rabbi Bob Alper is an author and
stand-up comic.

Howz By You

BY

1.It's fast

2.It's Easy

a. It's Tax Deductible

4. Free Towing

Mendel

wetcone TO M.T.T. ,,Mt\Cf--IER jJ

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1 6ETTIMG (K)ToucH GJITH D OOR
INNER MACHER'

BUT BEFORE F3E-61NIVING, ARE
THERE ANy QUESTIONS?

YES, was Moses A MRcHER?
TecHMIcALLY, NO, HE

17(DA.)'T MAKE THE
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5. Almost Any Condition

Boats, Motorcycles RVs, also

A Jewish Association for Residential Care

■

assa

galli

for persons with developmental disabilities

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Detroit Jewish News

12/4
I99S

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