ProfiLe
The Gift
The delights, and chat enges, of being a single mother.
I Diana Kathryn Wolfe
Special to The AppleTree
Tuesday, Dec. 4, 1990
t was a cold, wintry day with
snow falling all around and a
haze hanging in the rate after-
:
! noon sky. It was the day I heard my
son's voice for the first time.
He was so beautiful, so perfect,
so very precious. Many of my
friends thought I was taking on too
much, having a.child as a single
parent. They said the challenges
would be too great, the stress too
overwhelming, the exhaustion corn-
pletely consuming. Yet at 4:58 that
afternoon, all those voices of doubt
I evaporated and I knew I'd made
the right choice.
Co-parenting is a great challenge
1 and melding your ideas to best
benefit the child takes effort and
creativity. Zachary
hadn't been born
when his father and I
I decided to separate.
I Unlike most children of
I separated households,
I Zachary never experi-
enced the trauma of
his family-splitting
apart. His father and I
agreed that he
I deserved to have a
happy, loving relation-
! ship with both of his
parents, even though
I they didn't live togeth-
er. This meant consis-
t tent communication
I. about what we
I expected raising a
child would be like;
Diana Wolfe
lives in Southfield.
many single mothers say they feel
a meaningful decision about disci-
how best to jump the inevitable hur-
pline over punishment. I have sever-
they have to be "both mother and
dles of the different rules that go
: al friends who are single parents,
father" to their son. I can understand
with "Mom's house" and "Dad's
and many have taken the opposite
that, and even empathize, but I sim-
house"; and life lessons we intend-
ply don't know how to teach my son
approach. I decided to try a
ed to teach him.
calmer, gentler option. I tried talking
to be a man. I am grateful that he
Quality time spent with Mom and
has so many loving men around him
to my son and explaining to him
Dad means lots of love and tricky
who have taken an interest in his
why his actions were unacceptable,
logistics. Our first concern was that
growth.
then implementing the appropriate
Zachary didn't feel his parents were
It was tremen-
consequences to
ever inaccessible. As well, Zachary
dously important for
teach the lesson. It
has always been free to come back
Would you like to
me to teach
seems to work well.
home to Mom whenever he needed
respond to this article?
Zachary values —
almost never yell, he
to. Friends and family expressed ini-
You may contact Diana
patience, atone-
almost never cries and
tial concern that he might use this
Wolfe
via
e-mail
at:
ment, forgiveness,
the
inappropriate
carte blanche accessibility to
thedjn@aol.corn,
or
understanding and
behavior is rarely
escape when things got challeng-
write The Jewish News,
unconditional love
repeated. I believe
ing. However, consistency
27676
Franklin
Road,
— in a religious
that if our children are
between his father and me and our
Southfield, MI 48034.
environment. I also
given incentives and
expectations for Zachary's behavior
want Zachary to
rewarded for positive
helps deter the desire to escape
learn about his reli-
behavior and excellence
whatever consequences may arise.
gion and the wondrous gifts it has
in study, and receive consequences
As a single parent, I had to make
to offer. The day Zachary was born
for inappropriate actions,
I felt a connection to God I'd never
we create more responsi-
experienced, made even stronger
ble, thoughtful adults.
the day of his bris. With family and
This, at least, is my goal
friends, we welcomed him into the
in raising my son.
world and into a life of Judaism.
We are blessed to
I am Jewish by conversion. The
have a large extended
remainder of Zachary's family is
family and a wonderful
Catholic. That year, we celebrated
group of old family friends
Chanukah and Christmas with my
to share the joy Zachary
parents, lighting our menorah next
brings out every day.
to their tree. That's how we've done
Grandparents, great-
I it ever since. I didn't want my son
grandparents, aunts,
to be denied the understanding of
uncles and cousins from
who his family is or what they
all branches of his family
believe in because I don't share
tree are always within
their views. And while it's true that
reach. As a single parent,
my son doesn't believe in Santa
I have found this extended
Claus or the Easter Bunny, he does
support system counts for
understand that others have different
a great deal. I've heard
beliefs.
Being a single parent had a
Diana Wolfe and
remarkable affect on how I would
Zachary: More love than
augment my son's education. I
chocolate.
11/6
1998
Detroit Jewish News 85