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From all of us at
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We wish you much
2, is health, happiness and success.

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Teaching Children
How To Forgive

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JANE ULMAN
Special to The Jewish News

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28857 ORCHARD LAKE ROAD-
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248-553-0305

To All Our Friends, Family,
Community Members and Clergy

0

n Dec. 1, 1997, Michael
Carneal, 14, fired a semi-
automatic pistol into a
group of students holding a
prayer meeting at Chase High School
in West Paducah, Ken. He killed
three girls.
Two days later, a handwritten sign
appeared outside the school. "We for-
give you, Mike," it said.
"Can you forgive a murderer?"
Zack, my 14-year-old son, asked after
the killings.
"Not really. Not in Judaism," I
answered.
I briefly explain the Jewish concept
of forgiveness, that the person who
has erred or has committed the crime
must honestly and directly seek for-
giveness from the person he or she has
harmed.
Zack understands immediately.
"But those people are dead," he said.
"Exactly," I responded.
In the United States, however,
unsolicited forgiveness has become
fashionable. We
bestow it swiftly,
superficially and
self-servingly on
killers and con
men, ex-spouses
and ex-bosses, par-
ents and children.
For Americans, for-
giveness has
become a quick-fix
cleansing ritual,
promising to rid us
of pent-up rage
and resentments.
And as we for-
give freely, so we
transgress freely. After all, Erich
Segal's book Love Story taught us that
love means never having to say you're
sorry.
But Judaism has taught us other-
wise. It has taught us that there are
moral imperatives and consequences.
to all our actions.
As we approach the Ten Days of
Repentance or Teshuvah, the period
from Rosh Hashanah to Yom Kippur,
we come face to face with the pur-
poseful Jewish concept of forgiveness,
a psychologically demanding and,
ultimately, spiritually fulfilling obliga-
tion.

•

Thank You for Your Continued Support
During the Past Year.
May We All Enjoy A Happy and Healthy
New Year!

The Graham Family

SHOES

OUR WARM WISHES FOR
A HAPPY AND HEALTHY NEW YEAR

9/18
1998

The Boardwalk • W. Bloomfield • 737-9059

1156 Detroit Jewish News

Jane Ulman lives in Encino, Calif,

with her husband and four sons. She
wrote this column for the Jewish
Telegraphic Agency.

Teshuvah, literally, means "return-
ing." It signifies a returning to God, a
returning to upright and ethical
behavior. We want to begin the New
Year with a*clean slate; we want to be
inscribed in the Book of Life.
Here, simply, are the Jewish laws
regarding teshuvah:
*On Yom Kippur, God forgives
transgressions only between a person
and God. Transgressions committed
against other persons can be forgiven _
only after we have sought forgiveness
from those we have harmed or hurt.
For a transgression against another
person, we must confront that person
prior to Yom Kippur and directly and
sincerely ask for his or her forgiveness.
We must also offer to make amends
or restitution.
* We know we have truly repented
only when we find ourselves facing a
familiar temptation and we choose
not to transgress.
* It is a duty to grant forgiveness to
anyone who genuinely seeks it from
us.
Judaism is a religion of personal
responsibility. If we have transgressed,
we cannot hide-
behind excuses,
vague uses of pas-
sive verbs (i.e., if
any harm was
done) or extenuat-
ing circumstances.
After all, the stakes
are nothing short
of determining
"who shall live an
who shall die."
As Jews, we are
born with both
good and bad ten-
dencies. We are
born with free
will. Ideally, through our mistakes, we
learn to make good choices and to
take responsibility for our actions.
As the High Holidays approach,
my husband Larry and I talk about
teshuvah with our sons. We begin by
asking questions.
How has your year been? Did you
hurt anyone's feelings? Did you break'
anyone's toys? Did you hit anyone?
Were you always polite to your teach-
ers?
"I was mean to Jordan, but he
deserved it," said 7-year-old Danny.
"When I was 3, I broke Gabe's
Lego ship," said 9-year-old Jeremy.
Larry and I talk about individual
responsibility. We also talk about con-
centrating on the current year.
To help my children better under-