fr

honeymoon period."
In no way is abuse acceptable in
Jewish law. Not hitting, pushing, shov-
ing. Not intimidating. Not controlling.
Not threatening.
In fact, it is such a grave defiance of
Torah, that Rabbi Moshe Isserles, the
Ashkenazic major legal source over the
past 500 years who lived in Krakow,
Poland in the 16th century, said even
though normally Halachah requires
external, objective proof to prove some-
thing, when it comes to issues of abuse,
we always believe the wife.
"In a normal scenario, you need
objective proof," explained Rabbi Steven
Weil, of Young Israel of Oak Park.
"Because of the Sensitivity here and the
danger on the emotional as well as phys-
ical level, you don't."
Rabbi Weinreb says "until two to five
years ago, this was something ignored,
denied [in the Jewish community], but
that's changing."
Judaism emphasizes the family, with
holiday and Shabbat celebrations geared
around the home.
Lisa Goodman Twerski, director of
hotline services and special projects for
the Shalom Task Force, says, "for there
to be this incredibly huge problem in a
family just seems so antithetical to what
Jewish life is supposed to be about."
In nearly every city with a large
Jewish population, there is some sort of
confidential service — including shel-
ters, safe houses and counseling — for
victims of abuse. In New York, there's
even a group for Orthodox Jewish male

abusers.
Rabbis and educators are also snap-
ping to attention. Premarital education
in schools and synagogues focuses more
on matters of mutual respect and abuse,
says Weinreb. "We still have a long way
to go. Programs are being developed
[for] early marital education, because in
the Orthodox community, people tend
to get married quite young, often with
very limited premarital relationships."
In Detroit, JFS social worker Stacey
Rautbort leads workshops for high
school students and youth groups on
dating violence, but there is not a simi-
lar program available for older Jewish
singles. Yet there are some signs to look
for in dating to determine if a relation-
ship could turn abusive. For example, it
is usually a bad sign when someone is
very possessive.
Abuse is about control. "The thing
about controlling behaviors is that a lot
of times, for women, it feels good to be
controlled, feels like the person really
loves you and adores you, so they're not
aware of what it means to be controlled
not because somebody loves you, but
because they're controlling you," said
Yashinsky. Also, be wary of strong jeal-
ousy, needing to account for your time,
preventing you from being with friends
or having time alone. "A lot of times, it's
really about a woman standing up for
herself.
"The worst form of abuse is not
physical," Yashinsky said. "The most

DOORS on page 68

Where To Turn

• HAVEN: 24-hour crisis and
support line: (248) 334-1274.
HAVEN has a 24-hour emergency
shelter, where adults with children
can stay for as long as 30 days and
receive counseling, clothing, food
and assistance with obtaining legal
and financial help. The shelter has
15 bedrooms, and children staying
there are temporarily enrolled in
local schools. HAVEN provides
counseling on a sliding scale.
Insurance not required. Facilities
are located in Novi, Rochester,
Southfield and Pontiac.
• Jewish Family Service,
Southfield (248) 559-1500; some-
one carries a pager at all times.
Provides counseling on a sliding
scale. Offers a one-family kosher
apartment, in conjunction with the

National Council of Jewish
Women, for one Jewish woman
and her children to stay as long as
90 days.
• Shalom Task Force, 24-hour
hotline (888) 883-2323. Will refer
callers to local therapists, rabbis,
lawyers. Staffed by Orthodox
women, trained in domestic vio-
lence issues.
• The Shame Borne in Silence:
Spouse Abuse in the Jewish
Community, by Rabbi Abraham J.
Twerski, M.D. (Mirkov
Publications, Inc.).
• The Battered Woman's Syndrome
by Lenore E. Walker
(HarperPerennial).
• Sticks and Stones: When Words
Are Used as Weapons, by Dr. Miriam
Adahan (Feldheim Publishers).

Bari Beckett shows how to pull a bad life up from
the doldrums and create an amazing new one

lenged individuals and terminally
patients. Her video kit, Complete
Fitness Workshop, has been publicized
nationwide.
ari Beckett bounces into the
"Out of leaving [my abusive second
Borders bookstore where we
husband],
my children see a healthy,
planned to meet. This is an
says Beckett. "I'm
strong
woman,"
energetic woman. Clad in
stronger
than
ever.
The key is not giv-
black Lycra, with short cropped hair
ing
up."
and a beatific smile, it's easy to believe
Her story is different because she's
she's an athletic powerhouse, an inde-
Jewish and college-educat-
pendent woman, a single
ed. That, she says, makes a
mother of two daughters.
7i) orde r a copy
huge impact. 'We think
It's almost impossible to
of "Co mplete
domestic violence happens
believe she endured domes-
Fitness, which
at the low end of the com-
tic violence for four years.
costs $ 39. 95 ,
munity. It happens a lot
Beckett, 38, says she was
please call (800)
more in our community
beaten repeatedly by an
224- 7221.
than we think it does."
affluent Jewish husband
Once, a pregnant
with whom she had fallen
woman
contacted
Beckett. They met
dangerously in love. She was one of
at
a
Farmington
Hills
restaurant, and
the lucky ones. She turned her life
the
woman,
a
public
relations
execu-
around and now speaks out against
tive,
told
Beckett
her
husband
was
domestic violence through HAVEN.
ed
her
to
get
out. I
g
abusing
her.
"I
beg
She offers help to any woman who
don't
know
if
she
did,"
she
recalls,
calls her and is determined to make a
melancholic. "I will help anybody get
difference.
out. Any Jewish person can call me."
She is now president of Intentional
Beckett grew up in Skokie, Ill., and
Health, Inc., a corporation that offers
graduated
from California State-
fitness programs for adults, children,
START on page 68
pregnant women, physically chal-

LYNNE MEREDITH COHN
Scene Editor

B

9/4

1998

Detroit Jewish News

67