V4

He's no Dear Abbie, but our hero knows what guys are really saying.

DAVID KUSHNER
Special to the Jewish News

/-

hen I started dating, I
didn't just get a girl-
friend, I got a sister.
My girlfriend's sister,
Joanne. Now, I have inherited the
role shared by a lot of guys who sud-
denly have a sister-in-law or sister-of-
a-girlfriend who's the same age. We're
love consultants.
For Joanne, having an unbiased
guy whose brain she can pick is an
invaluable asset. There are a lot of
creeps and losers out there, she says,
so she needs all the help she can get.
Though her friends can give her
tips and gossip, none can offer a
guy's unique point of view. As much
as they think they might know what
floats around a man's head, there's
nothing to substitute the real thing.
Since my girlfriend (now, wife) and
her sister never had a brother, Joanne
has an extra disadvantage. The only
men in their home growing up were
their father and the perpetual parade
of decorators and plumbers; none of
whom could shed much light on the
inner wirings of a 16-year-old third
baseman named Skutch. While they
were growing up, they had to rely on
their instincts: dont date a guy who
drives a muscle car with the engine
exposed; never flirt with the PE.

teacher; don't fool around with your
best friend's brother.
Of course, the older a woman
gets, the more complicated the dat-
ing scene becomes. Now that
Joanne's near 30, she's deep into the
precarious jungle of big city
romance: fast-talking, power hungry,
professional guys.
I, for all intents and purposes, am
her radar, her decoder, her machete.
As a fellow guy myself, I can serve
up the necessary warnings, advise her
against potential dangers such as dat-
ing a guy who resembles his dog.
More importantly, I'm able to
translate what guys say and what
they really mean. Joanne, I'm discov-
ering, might not suspect anything
lascivious if a guy suggests that she,
say, go with him and a bunch of cou-
pled up friends to the beach for a
weekend.
Here's a little male equation that
cannot be escaped: a weekend + a
beach house = sex.
Believe me, I tell
mix signals, the guy
them for himself
Same holds true for translating
what she says, and what guys reall y
hear.
If she ins
es he
to watch some
ing, "hey, wanna come stairs far
little hey-hey?" After all, if a woman

so much as sneezes in the general
direction of an average guy, he'll
think it's a come on.
Sometimes, though, I end up
helping her date. Like many women,
Joanne has trouble giving a nice guy
a cold shoulder. So inevitably she'll
say "yes" when he asks her to go see a
movie or she'll act intrigued as some
struggling existential poet tells her
that nothing, including her toaster
oven., exists.
Here's what I say: pull the plug.
Dragging out a relationship does
nothing but make everyone suffer in
the end. She's stuck dating someone
she doesn't even like, and he's stuck
thinking he's heading straight down
the aisle.
Ultimately, this machete of dating
advice cuts both ways. My wisdom
(or lack thereof) gives her a barome-
ter for dealing with the men in her
life while I get to feel like maybe a
guy wi
some of the the-
attics I
was sin
unpre-
The worl

To have a
ed
dicta
gTe can mak e
Then, down the lime ,

yinoon an
nes can give rea

one

sponsored by the Federation's Young
Adult Division. Board the Diamond
Belle Riverboat at 7 p.m., depart 7:30
p.m. from the St. Aubin Park dock.
Tickets must be purchased by
Thursday, Aug. 20. Cost: $15. Marc
Berke, (248) 203-1458.

Thursday, Aug. 27

Israel Bonds' King David Society
Summer Gala honoring Cheryl and
Steven Schanes. 7 p.m. Celebrate
Israel's 50th with food, friends and
fun, at the Kingsley Inn. $75 couvert
per person. RSVP by Aug. 21, Israel
Bonds, 29201 Telegraph Rd., Suite
324, Southfield, Mich. 48034

SINGLES TRAVEL

SEPTEMBEI?

Sept. 1-8, 14-21

Bicycling tour, Tuscany, Italy, with
Historical Cycling International.
Moderate ride, rolling terrain, 15-39
miles per day. (714) 499-0342, email:
cycling@gte.net.

Sept. 4-7

Canoeing down the Au Sables River
with Tamarack Adult Adventures.
(248) 661-0600.

OCTOBER

Oct. 6-13

Morocco - Rabat, Meknes, Fez,
Marrakesh and Casablanca with
Premier Jewish Singles. Cost: $1,695.
(800) 444-9250.

Oct. 21-27, Oct. 28-Nov. 3

HAPPENINGS

Sunday, Aug. 9

Sunday, Aug. 16

Sunday in the park with TEVA.
12:30-4 p.m. At Marshbank
Park Pavilion, Hiller Road, north
of Commerce Road. Kari
Grosinger, (248) 642-4260, Ext.
241.

Slip slidin' away at Four Bears Water
Park, Hillel of Metro Detroit. 12 p.m.
Cost: $5. RSVP by Aug. 10, (313)
577-3459.

Wednesday, Aug. 12

B'nai B'rith Leadership Network
installation of officers. 7 p.m. At
Adat Shalom Synagogue, dessert
reception. Cost: $17. RSVP by
Aug. 5 to Karen Safran, (248) 426-
9520, or Sheri Benkoff, (248) 473-
0409.

Neighborhood Project. 3 p.m.
Inglenook Park, W. 12 Mile Road,
between Lahser and Evergreen. (248)
967-1112.

Bicycling tour, the Antebellum South,
Mississippi. Easy ride, flat with some
gently rolling terrain, 15-45 miles per
day. Historical Cycling International.
(714) 499-0342, email:
cycling@gte.net.

DECEMBER

Aug. 21-22

Dec.12-19

Reggae on the River, fund-raiser for
Fanclub Foundation for the Arts. 4:30
p.m. On the deck of the Roostertail,
1.5 miles east of the Belle Isle Bridge,
off Jefferson Ave. Live music by
Trinidad Tripoli Steel Band. Cost: $35
general admission, $30 members.
(248) 559-1645.

Pumpstock 1998: An outdoor music
festival held behind the Town Pump
Tavern (100 W Montcalm, Detroit).
5 p.m.-midnight Friday, noon-mid-
night Saturday. Featuring Thornetta
Davis, Jazzhead, Black Beauty,
Marooned, GRR and more.

Sixth annual National Jewish Singles
Caribbean Cruise, aboard Rhapsody
of the Seas. From $1,600 per person.
Barb LeWinter, (412) 521-8011, Ext.
371, or Bill Cartiff, (913) 327-8074.

Tuesday, Aug. 25

Streetcorner - music from the '50s and
`60s, concert sponsored by the

Annual Detroit River boat cruise,

Costa Rica - New Year's Eve celebra-
tion with Premier Jewish Singles.
Cost: $1,995. (800) 444-9250.

Dec. 24-Jan. 4, 1999

8/7
1998

Detroit Jewish News

65