After The Wedding

DEBBIE FEIT
Special to the Jewish News

ure, the big wedding day is
done, the hassles with two
mothers and money are final-
ly ancient history, and you've
committed to living together in har-
mony for the rest of your lives.
The problem is, harmony is hard to
build. He's a sports fanatic, she isn't.
He's a neat freak, she's a slob. He can't
balance a checkbook, she puts it all on
the credit card.
As much as a couple tries before-
hand to iron out the kinks — differ-
ent ideas about money, different ways
of interacting with family and some-
times, religious differences (either
non-Jewish and Jewish or across
denominations) - they are still two
separate people with distinct habits
and quirks after they say "I do."
Of course, the deep love and com-
mitment a couple feels for each other
helps smooth the way toward a peace-
ful married life. But initially, it's hard
to go from the single days of having
no one to answer to, to kindly check-
ing in with a spouse before going out
to dinner with your friends. Somehow,
countless couples make it work. Yet
that doesn't mean they don't tussle
about the little things.
"People are getting married a little
older these days," explains Rabbi
Dannel Schwartz, of Temple Shir
Shalom in West Bloomfield. While
couples who don't live together
before marriage will have "house-
hold" issues to work out — deciding
where the thermostat should be set
and who takes out the garbage —
couples who do live together before
the wedding, or who have known
each other for a long time, don't find
as many "immature issues" to con-
tend with, he says.
Still, even partners involved in a
long-term relationship have been
known to surprise their mates with
undiscovered quirks.
"I didn't know how crazy of a foot-
ball fanatic he is," says 26-year-old
Allyson Cohen of her husband, Doug.

Debbie Feit, a Detroit area writer, has
gotten used to the Orrefors and the
Mikasa but still giggles when she refers
to Dave "my husband"

Ah, married life. Or, uh, married
life? Learning to live side-by-side
with another person has its
surprising moments.

"I had an inkling, but I didn't know to to Elaine Horigian, M.A. and licensed
professional counselor.
what extent."
"Unconsciously, you're selecting a
After the wedding, Doug still gets
person that has the positive and nega-
engrossed in the game on TV, and
tive traits of your parents. And the
Allyson has to accept it as part of who
positive traits are out front more. After
he is. Says Doug, in his defense,
the honeymoon, the negative traits
"Maybe she thought once we got mar-
start coming up."
ried, other things would come before
That's normal, she says. "Conflict
football. She didn't realize it was a part
means you're moving to a different
of me — not just something to do
stage of the relationship. It happens in
because I was single."
all marriages."
Jodi Anstandig, 30, says she didn't
Other things that happen in all
realize how close her husband Jason
marriages,
she says, include having to
was with his mom. "He talks to her
adjust to a new roommate and having
everyday - numerous times. And once
to account for your
on our honeymoon!"
time.
On the other
"I lived alone for
hand, Jason was sur-
13 years before we got
prised to learn that
married," says Beth.
his wife was a slob. "I
"I was used to not
always thought she
having
someone
was a neat freak
around
besides my
because her bed was
cat.
always made," he
"I like to watch TV
says. "Now there's
in bed. Phil can't
dirty laundry all over
stand it. So now I go
the bedroom floor,
into the living room
and her makeup is all
so
he can sleep."
over the counter in
Getting to live
the bathroom."
with her husband is
Similarly, it wasn't
"wonderful, but it still
until the Kaputs got
is an adjustment."
married that Beth
Robb Lippitt, 29,
learned Phil didn't
— Allyson Cohen explains the phenom-
know how to keep a
enon as, "when you're
checkbook, bargain-
single, you do what
shop for groceries or
you
want
to
do.
You
answer to no
cook a can of soup.
one. With marriage, you have to let
Beth, who is 31, says, "I was sur-
your spouse know where you're going
prised that he was seven years older
— not that she [his wife, Debbie] pre-
and he didn't know how to do these
vents me from doing anything."
things." Of course, she added, "he
If he wants to go to the bar with
lived at home until we got married.
the guys for happy hour after work, he
He never had the responsibility of
calls Debbie to check in, see what's on
having to do it."
her agenda. "We make the decision
"When you fall in love, you go
together," he says.
through the romantic phase and
While it's undeniable that marriage
everything feels wonderful," according

"You can say
anything, you
can do
anything, you
can be seen
without your
make-up on.

"

brings about a lot of changes, not all
of them are negative.
For Allyson Cohen, living with her
husband, Doug, is like living with a
best friend - minus the petty argu-
ments and cattiness female roommates
often endure. "You can say anything,
you can do anything, you can be seen
without your make-up on," she says.
Another plus about being married
is that you're no longer planning a
wedding. Forget the hassles of being
engaged — controlling parents, over-
whelming decisions about the cake,
the bridesmaids' dresses and seating
arrangements. And you've already
assimilated the idea of having in-laws
into your psyche. Married life actually
begins after the honeymoon.
When Lori Harnick, 35, returned
from her honeymoon, she and her
husband, Blake, were "amazed at how
relaxed we were. We didn't have the
big event to plan for ... it was like, 'oh,
this is what real life is.' We kicked
back and enjoyed mundane things."
Eventually, it's the mundane things
of everyday life that cause many cou-
ples to fall into a routine. And while
it's important to feel comfortable
around your spouse, Rabbi Steven
Weil, of Young Israel-Oak Park, says
it's also important for newlyweds to
retain "the kind of sensitivity you had
when you were dating. Many couples
forget about the little subtleties after
marriage."
Once the relationship is solidified
into marriage, couples may not feel
the need to put as much effort and
creativity into planning their time
together. Weil encourages married
couples to still plan dates and special
time for the pair to spend alone.
Brian Klayman, 31, admits that lit-
tle things, like loving nicknames,
somehow vanish. "After a while you
get so complacent, that you forget
public affection. Too Foo Bunny' goes
by the wayside."
It's easy to get caught up in the
details of everyday life, so it's impor-
tant to remember what the relation-
ship was like before there was a mort-
gage, in-laws and children, back when
he and his wife met and fell in love.
"I try to be more lovey," says Brian.
"A lot of things were taking up our
time, and I had to remember to get
back to where we were."

❑

8/7
1998

Detroit Jewish News

63