important relationship, and that their Wallerstein says that marriages children were among their greatest work best when couples take time to achievements. be with each other, especially while The couples, says Wallerstein, also raising children — a time when the placed a high value on their partner's marriage often gets placed on the back moral qualities — a finding that she burner. The couples she interviewed said was unexpected, but that also said they had a pleasurable sex nonetheless helps explain why many life, they supported one another and divorced people say they've lost respect retained some of the romantic feelings for their former partner. from their dating days, even though "Part of building a good marriage is their bodies had changed. creating a fit," she These couples, says. adds Wallerstein, "To do that, you had emotionally have to know each separated from other well. All peo- their parents. ple in a good mar- To have a good riage know each marriage, she other's history" says, each person "You also have must be able to to recognize that make choices In The Good Marriage, Judith everything is open based on their Wallerstein spells out nine ek- to change, that own moral meats that form the basis of a nothing is rigid. standing — not Las ting relationship: He will change, that of their par- Piitners must separate erno- having children ents. They must their childh will change, the job be able to shift th at ':` will change. She is their "primary not going to look love" and loyalty at 40 the way she to their partner. did when she was Separating 21. from one's par- "You also have ents hurts, she to create at the core writes, but is nec- a sense of together- essary to protect ness, a sense that the marriage. the marriage is big- Many marriages ger than you and fall apart because me ... that a mar- the participants V0.040. ' expressi ngg an riage is worth never grew up. ferences of opal fighting for." What really The coup The couples she helps, Wallerstein rich sexual rela interviewed fought says, is retaining tam it despit for their marriages that first romantic 7. Partners must use humor to even though most image of the keep things in perspective, and of them grew up in other, as a knight have fun. homes with parents in shining armor 8. Each person must comfort, who didn't have or as the beautiful support and encourage the other. good relationships. princess. 9. Each partner must sustain Only five out of One woman in early romantic images of falling in the 100 people she the study said love with the other. interviewed grew that her husband up in what they felt was "a noble to be happy homes. man," she recalls. The rest saw fighting, boredom, infi- "That's beautiful. In some ways he is a delity and, in some cases, abuse and prince; in a mundane world he is a abandonment. good man. Another man told me, 'My "This was a major finding," she wife is a wonderful mother, a compas- said. "The women, especially, wanted sionate woman, much more generous different marriages; they wanted more than I am."' opportunities than their mothers had; "You need fairly tales," she says. ❑ they wanted something else in their marriages." What this means, she This article is adapted from an article adds, is that people can create good that originally appeared in Jewish marriages even if they had no good Women International and is used here role models. with permission. * Marriage How-To Work can make an "I do" a successful "I did, counselor says. .1) LYNNE MEREDITH COHN Scene Editor M arriage is for pleasure, not for comfort, says Aish HaTorah Rabbi David Clyman. Don't think life is going to get more comfortable once you say, "I do," he cautions. But it might feel more full. In a monthly newsletter called "Love, Dating & Marriage: Strategies and Solutions for Successful Relationships," Clyman dispels common myths about married life, aiming to help couples build stronger relationships. Learning by experience as well as from a teacher of his own, Clyman con- cluded that married life is not easier than being single. He tells people that if they want a comfortable, easy life, they should stay single. His teacher impressed upon him the idea that cou- ples pay a high price to create and maintain a happy marriage. "To get married and stay happily married, you must know that marriage will be work," Clyman says. A person can't sit back, kick off his or her shoes and expect a good relationship to mate- rialize, he says. It takes work. Clyman lives in New York City 62 Detroit Jewish News \ Rabbi David Clyman studied at Yeshivat Aish HaTorah in Jerusalem. He lives with his wife and children in Manhattan. For information, call (888) 410-0630. aqm-i1Z4VIMOVAilitIVW Hillel of Metro Detroit Coffee House Night. 9 p.m. Lonestar Coffee Co., 207 S. Woodward, Birmingham. (313) 577-3459. Sunday, Lug, 9 Sunday in the park with TEVA. 12:30-4 p.m. At Marshbank Park Pavillion, Hiller Road, north of Commerce Road. Kari Grosinger, (248) 642-4260, ext. 241. Wednesday, Aug. 12 B' nai B'rith Leadership Network installation of officers. 7 p.m. At Mat Shalom Synagogue, dessert kWk 7/31 1998 with his wife and children. He lectures frequently on love, dating and mar- riage. Here are some tips from the rabbi on building successful relationships: * Love does not conquer all. Yes, being in love helps in the race to beat the odds of high divorce rates. But beware — the foundation of a strong marriage comes from sharing and pur- suing mutual life goals. * Well-being depends on having a sense of meaning and direction in life. Share those views with the person you're considering for marriage. Couples who begin with shared desires and goals have a better chance of staying together. * Don't marry into someone's way of life. * Make a date with yourself. Discover your own interests, values, C goals. Then start dating others. * If it bothers you, it's an issue. Confront issues before deciding to get married. reception. Cost: $17. RSVP by Aug. 5 to Karen Safran, (248) 426-9520, or Sheri Benkoff; (248) 473-0409. Sunday, Lug. 16 Slip sliciin' away at Four Bears Water Park, of Metro Detroit. 12 p.m. Cost: $5. RSVP by Aug. 10, (313) 577-3459. Reggae on the River, fund-raiser for Fanclub Foundation for the Arts. 4:30 p.m. On the deck of the Roostertail, 1 mile east of the Belle Isle Bridge, off Jefferson Ave. Live music by Trinidad Tripoli Steel Band. Cost: $35 general admission, $30 members. (248) 559-1645.