or Openers_
Try To Make
A Simple Request
district manager was to be informed
t's not that
of my having to beg my paper from
I'm a
my neighbor and all was to be
demanding
straightened
out.
person.
Was the problem that I didn't rant
by Martha Jo Fleischmann
(Well, I AM, but
and rave, which I've been known to
that's_another arti-
do at the drop of the proverbial hat? I
"Alone at the altar," wept Kane,
cle.) All I want
knew that it wasn't the representative's
A
bulldog, "but can I complain?"
from a business
fault,
but
it
was
someone's.
My poodle bride Lauren
that purports ser-
Well, let's look at the positive
Ran off. Ah chasoren,
vice
is
to
be
/- SY MANELLO
side: I get to test my patience on a
De
kaleh
was tahkeh tzu shaver"*
served.
Editorial Assistant
regular basis — good for blood pres-
Several weeks
sure control; I'm on more friendly
* Idiomatic —
aao I decided to re-subscribe to a local .
terms with my neighbor — good for
"You had to find something to
newspaper. I asked for daily and Sun-
social amenities; I am getting exer-
complain about?"
day delivery. The information was
cise going after my copy — good for
*
Literal
— Too bad that the
taken, duly noted and the first day —
physical endurance. Meanwhile, my
bride
was too pretty!
eureka: I received a paper. Well, just
idea of service provider has been
call me Pollyanna. I thought all was
altered greatly.
right with the world.
The next day there was a paper in a
plastic bag on my driveway and a
paper in a plastic bag atop my mail-
box. I called to report the duplication
and to request a newspaper tube for
the drier, safer delivery of the paper. I
"No one had a weekend before the Jews."
carefully explained that my neighbor
already had a subscription and a news-
— Thomas Cahill, author of "The Gifts of the Jews," in listing Judaism's many
paper tube so a new one would have
accomplishments, including a day of rest, at a United Jewish Appeal dinner.
to be affixed for me. That, apparently,
/– was too much information for them to
"I am here to remind you of your responsibility to be good Jews, observant
process.
Jews, proud of your Jewishness."
The next day I received two papers,
—New York Cardinal John O'Connor, to graduates of the Hebrew Union Col-
same as before. The day following I
lege-Jewish Institute of Religion in Manhattan, which awarded him a doctorate of
received no papers and my neighbor
humane letters.
got three: one in the tube and two on
the drive. I called again. Oh, yes, they
"I read somewhere that somebody repairs every week to the home of Barbra
were apologetic; oh, yes, they under-
Streisand and gives her a lesson on Kabbalah. She should be studying aleph-beis
stood my explanation; oh, yes, they
with
a proper teacher."
were ready to ignore me since they
had my Visa number on record.
— Rabbi Arthur Hertzberg, on what he calls the "pillaging of the Jewish tradi-
Later, I still received no paper, but
tion for fashionable nonsense."
my neighbor was now down to rwo.
Progress?
"That makes me want to call myself, Jill "The Zion Lion" Matthews. If they
During my latest call, I learned
don't like me because I'm a Jew . . . I'll buy my own sneakers."
that it takes two weeks for a new
—Pugilist Jill "The Zion Lion" Matthews, on having to downplay her Jewishness
rube to be placed, which I could
to
obtain
more endorsements.
have been told at the outset. The
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(248) 352-5272 v/tty
7/10
1998
5