Third Wheel My friend's friend in need ... can be a pain. DAVID KUSHNER t some point down the off- roads of life, every guy becomes a third wheel. One day, we're rolling with our best bud, the next, we're like Roger Healy trailing after Major Nelson and Jeannie. What I never expected was to be spinning the big bad tricycle with my girlfriends. Women always have other women in their lives — namely, their friends. Once a guy is dating a woman for a while, her friends will start treating him like one of the girls: divulging intimacies and details they would never tell him about if he was on the prowl. At worst, however, it's a much bumpier ride. When you're with your friends, you might merely see us going about our usual routines but, in fact, we're in the grips of an emotional head lock. a pouty, bohemian babe buried in a copy of No One Here Gets Out Alive. After a few awkwardly gratuitous remarks about the, um, depths of Jim Morrison's poetry, I asked her out. And, fortunately, she accepted. The next weekend, I made reser- vations at a killer sushi place, then showed up to meet her at her house. With a quick peck on the cheek, she started parading me around to meet all her friends. This wouldn't have been suspicious, I suppose, if we ended up leaving. Instead, we hung out there the whole night, eating leftover tuna casserole with her roomies. Clearly, she needed her friends' approval. Either that or she just wanted to see how I would fit in. This kind of "show and tell" game is about the worst thing to subject a guy to. If you can't make up your own mind, then do us a favor: hide a video camera in your purse and tape our date for a screening when you get back. We Feel Judged We Feel Neglected One Saturday, I was coming back from work on the subway when I saw Another time, I dated a law student who didn't need her friend's approval, Special to The Jewish News Atmt ..aftlissinfrinfr Aug. 20 23 Jewish singles vacation to Cape Cod, Martha's Vineyard, Nantucket Island and Newport, RI. Ages 30-49. (617) 782-3396. Sixteenth annual Jewish singles sun and fun in Virginia Beach. Cost: from $350. Beach resort next to a Conservative synagogue; 600 Jewish singles attend. (888) 5SUN-FUN. Aug. 12-23 Jewish singles vacation to Europe - Ireland, Wales and southern England. Ages 30-49. (617) 782-3396. Aug. 17 24 - Alaska cruise, Sky Princess, Anchorage to Vancouver with Premier Jewish Singles. Cost: from $1,215. (800) 444-9250. We Feel Competitive Eventually, I moved in with a girl- friend, but kept coming home to find her childhood pal there. They would be braiding each other's hair or giving simultaneous foot massages. I was clearly out of the loop, even when it came to their bonding rituals. When they greeted each other, they'd rub their heads together and emit shrilling sounds. She never rubbed her head against mine. She said it was simply "a kiddie thing." I didn't care if it was an alien thing and, hey, I said, I wanted a little of it, too. We ended up having a solid night of bonding. Even though she shared a past with her friend, she needed me to help create the future. Since then, we've learned to carve out quality time and boundaries. Three has become more company than a crowd. Her friends don't drop by at inopportune times and I don't mind occasionally saving an extra seat at the movies. I realized they could become the sisters I never had. Even better, they let me get off the hook. Without them, I'd never have time to myself at all. ❑ 7SEREPIREEREGETRESIBERBTSWEISMIN7 AUGUST Aug. 2-9 she needed her company — all the time. Even the sound of her friend's voice triggered a Pavlovian response. Once, her friend called at an inoppor- tune time. If she answers that, I thought, it's over. Fortunately, she didn't pick up. But as her friend came on the answering machine, she listened. We'd make plans to meet at a bar and when I'd get there, they'd be sharing a Fuzzy Navel. When I asked what was going on, she got really defensive and said she felt sorry for her friend. "She's all alone, what was I supposed to do, leave her at home?" "Well, yes," I gasped. "Or maybe I should drag my friend Sparky off the couch and we can double date!" She said she was just being sympa- thetic to a friend in need: "If you were a woman, you'd understand." Of course, I'm not and I don't. The problem is women seem to have bought a little too deeply into the male stereotype. They worry more about their friend's feelings, maybe, because they don't think we have any of our own. Big mistake. Don't forget that while you might avoid neglecting your friends, you could end up neglecting us. - SEPTEMBER Sept. 1-8, 1441 Bicycling tour, Tuscany, Italy, with Historical Cycling International. Moderate ride, rolling terrain, 15-39 miles per day. (714) 499-0342, email: cycling@gte.net. Sept. 4 7 - Canoeing down the Au Sable River with Tamarack Adult Adventures. (248) 661-0600. DECEMBER Dec. 24-Jan. 4, 1999 Costa Rica - New Year's Eve celebra- tion with Premier Jewish Singles. Cost: $1,995. (800) 444-9250. OCTOBER Oct. 6-13 Morocco - Rabat, Meknes, Fez, Ma.n-akesh and Casablanca with Premier Jewish Singles. Cost: $1,695. (800)'444-9250. Oct. 21 27, Oct. 28 11ev, 3 - 7,1 - Bicycling tour, the Antebellum South, Mississippi. Easy ride, flat with some gently rolling terrain, 15- 45 miles per day Historical Cycling International. (714) 499-0342, email: cycling@gte.net. Millenium New Year's celebration, round-the-world departure, with Premier Jewish Singles. (800) 444- 9250.