Boo

Love, Patience And
The Sounds Of Silence

A leading child-care expert advises parents to spend a lot of time
nurturing, but not always listening to, their children.

in an aggressive manner.
your children. But the best strategy is
Spanking may accomplish what
I to make a decision and stick with it.
parents want in- the moment, but in
This way, children learn #1) "I can't
nthony Wolf was the guest
the
long run it influences a child to be
get my parents to change their
speaker for the recent Alicia
more aggressive; it's hurtful aggres-
minds" and #2) "Anything I do subse-
Joy Techner Parent-
sion
— aggression designed to
reac-
Photo by Sigrid Estrada quently won't get a
: ing Conference at Temple
cause suffering — from parent to
Lion."
Israel.
child.
The author of "Get out of
What is your feeling
my life, but first could you
What are a few words that
about spanking?
I drive me and Cheryl to the
come to mind when describ-
I am not dramatically
I mall?": A Parent's Guide to
ing a good parent? Are there
opposed to spanking. It's
the New .Teenager and "It's
certain characteristics that
not an absolutely terrible
not fair, Jeremy Spencer's
are invariably present?
thing; clearly, many parents
parents let him stay up all
First, and most important, is nurtur-
do it who have raised normal kids.
night!": A Guide to the Tougher Parts
ing,
which means making children
But there's no way around it: For chil-
of Parenting, Dr. Wolf lives in Con-
feel that they are special to their par-
dren, spanking means that the peo-
: necticut.
t
ents.
Second is the ability to make
ple for whom they have the most con-
decisions and stand by them, which
: cern in the world are reacting to them

Elizabeth Applebaum
AppleTree Editor

I Tell me how you arrived at
your philosophy of parent-
: •
ing.
It came from having kids and from
my own memories of childhood. I
I had basically very nice parents,
I but with my sisters and I —
I though we all get along terrifical-
ly now — there was a great deal
I of sibling rivalry.
[In my book I advocate] staying
I with the absolute support and
caring, but eliminating one of the
I things my parents did, which was
I to listen. Basically, what it means
instead is making fast decisions.
I Don't put up with a lot, act decisively
and quick.
The big mistake many parents
I make is staying in the battle and try-
' ing to do something. Yes, it's logical
to think you have to somehow teach

5 /22

1998

76

The parenting conference is an annual .event sponsored by David and
Ilene Techner in memory of their daughter, Alicia Joy who
died when she was 8 months old in 1978.
"Dave and loved Deing parents," said Ilene Techner,
also the mother of 19-year-old Ani, Chad 17 and

Stephanie, 12. 'When Alicia died, we knew we wanted
to pay tribute to her memory in a significant way. It is our
hope that through 20 years of free parenting conferences,
Alicia's life has been a positive influence on the
community.
"If you were to review the content of our parenting confer-
ences over the past 19 years, you would see a direct par-
allel to the issues of importance in our own family," David
Techner addec. "In many ways, we have grown as parents
as, we had hoped Alicia would have grown as a child.
Although she only lived a brief 8 months, her impact on our
family has been a blessing to us and to our communi

for the parents means an easier and
more pleasant time with their chil-
dren.

One bit of advice you give
parents is: "State a demand,
repeat it, and say nothing
more." What about being
: patient and listening to their
side of the story?
I don't think patience works. You
can listen to what they say, but only
up to a point. Then you make a deci-
Sion, and if you're wrong, you're
I wrong. Some parents feel, "My chil-
1 dren are saying this obnoxious stuff,
I so I have to make it clear that this is
unacceptable." But this is feeding the
I children what they want, which is to
get a response.

You say that one of the best
things we can do for our chili-
' dren is give to them a child-
: hood. What do you mean?
It means that a a child will be
allowed, without any great worry, to
have time to really be able to do
what he wants. He can have a good
time, do what he feels like doing, so
long as it's not going to cause any
serious suffering or injury to him-
self or anyone else.
People who experience that
seem to be more charitable
toward the flaws of others. And
because they are not overly
harsh with themselves, they also
are kinder and more caring to
others. ❑