S eep — those sweet and scary words

that warn me there are only two
songs left before it's time to swallow
my pride, jump on top of a piano,
and wiggle in sync with the other
waitresses. It's called "Showtime,"
and it's JD's nightly routine, which
requires the friendly staff to dance,
sing, and grab various body parts in
pont of a roaring crowd.
At 1:15, I'm anxiously looking
forward to last call. Couples grind to
the upbeat songs banged out on the
piano. Men and women alike are
desperately looking for someone to
give their number to, so they can call
the night a success.
Finally: Last call, and I'm ready to
o home. Yet, I have two hours of
cleanup and cashing out before I can
leave. Some preppy pushes past me,
announcing to no one in particular
that he needs to write down a girl's
number. Walking up to the waitress-

O

Kay 15

Rekindling Shabbat dinner, with Jew-
ish Federations Young Adult Division.
7:30 p.m. At the Allen House, 556 W
Maple, Birmingham. Cost: $10 per
person; kosher dinner served. RSVP
by May 12 to Marc Berke, (248) 203-
1458.

\—Satardaf BUY 16
[ Spring Fling dance, hosted by Jewish

Professional Singles. 9:30 p.m. At
Congregation Shaarey Zedek-B'nai
Israel, West Bloomfield. Cost: $15,
Jack, (248) 543-8237.

Sunday, Kay 17

Bagel brunch with B'nai B'rith Lead-
ership Network. 11 a.m. At Einstein
' Brothers Bagels, 12 Mile and Orchard
Lake Road. (248) 788-9428.

\

"The aftermath of Jones -v. Clinton: a
legal and psychological view of sexual
harassment," with Jewish Professional
Singles. 7 p.m. At the Agency for Jew-
ish Education. Cost: $6. Cindy, (248)
__542 - 9166.

Monday, May 18

Information meeting for 1998 UJA
summer singles mission to Israel, July.
8-19, singles 25-40. 7 p.m. At the
Federation building. Mission cost:
$1,999 per person. Kari Grosinger,

es' computer, I notice exactly where
he scribbled his number — on one
of my customer's guest checks. I
politely ask him to use a napkin; he
yells at me for standing in his way.
"You're just going to have to wait,"
he slurs.
The bar closes at 2 a.m.,- but
there are always stragglers who insist
on staying. Trying to clean around
them, I remember why working at
the bar isn't quite the same as being
a patron. It's arduous, it's humbling,
and it's exhausting. Selling close
to $1,000 worth of liquor is not
easy, especially when a beer costs
$3.
I pull an inch-thick wad of cash
from my pocket, count out the
money I owe the bar, and wonder for
the nth time why I do this. As I
count $200 in tip money and sip my
first drink of the night, I remember
why, and smile. ❑

(248) 642 -4260, Ext. 241

Wednesday, May 20

Singles dining club at Alban's Restau-
rant, Jewish Professional Singles. 7
p.m. Flury, (248) 357-8850.

Kay 22 25

-

Caving in Mammoth Caves, Ken-
tucky, with Tamarack Adult Adven-
tures. (Ages 21 and up). Cost: $149
per person, $288 per couple. Rick
Goren, (248) 661-0600.

Saturday, May 23

Dinner at Peking Restaurant and
miniature golf with Jewish Profession-
al Singles. 8 Rm. Joel, (248) 398-
3987.

Wednesday, May 27

YAD bar night at Dick O'Dow's,
Birmingham. 8:30 pm. Marc Berke,
(248) 203 - 1458.

Ftiday, rday 29

Young Adult Shabbat Service and
Rekindling Shabbat outdoor dinner
before services. Dinner at 6 p.m., ser-
vices at 7:30 p.m. At Adat Shalom
Synagogue. Cost: $10, please pay
before Friday. RSVP by May 25 to
(248) 203-1486.

It's a good thing
he doesn't bluff more
often or we'd
be out of chips.

00

0

The Yenta Men

Guys gossip? No way.
Macho men engage in the sport of chop-busting.

DAVID KUSHNER

Special to The Jewish News

C

ontrary to popular belief,
men are yentas. It's true.
Although we don't consider
it "gossiping" (way too un-
macho jargon for most guys), we call
it "busting chops."
For women, gossiping seems like
less of a sport than it does for men.
Take my wife, for example. Since we
got married a couple of years ago, I
have had the privilege of hanging out
like a fly on the wall with her and her
friends. They don't censor what they
say around me because I'm safe. So,
I'm privy to their gossiping dynamic.
Within about a half hour of getting
together, someone will inevitably start
to gossip about one of her friends.
Now, this isn't malicious gossip, it's
just the more friendly, innocuous kind
of "hey, did you see what Leslie was
wearing at the seder?" thing. Nothing
too vitriolic. The main ingredient:
Words are being said about someone
who is not present in the room —
words that, if the person were in the
room, would probably not be said.
Simple enough.
For guys, it's a similar dynamic,
except that we do our chop-busting
in front of each other. Usually these
barbs are hurled at someone who is
either being_cheap or stupid or a
combination thereof. For instance,
let's say a bunch of guys get together
for a poker game. One guy, Phil, tries
to bluff his way through a hand. He's
so nervous, though, that he keeps
shoveling chips and dip into his
mouth. Within seconds, all the other
guys in the room will start laying into
him.
"Phil's bluffing," someone might
say, "look at him, what an idiot. He
can't even keep a straight face."
"Yeah," someone else will chime in,
"it's a good thing he doesn't bluff

more often or we'd be out of chips."
"Right and at least if he paid for
the chips now and then, it wouldn't be
such a big deal."
And so on.
Notice that the key elements of
male yenta-ing are all in the place.
The object of gossip is present in the
room while he is being roasted on a
verbal spit. Of course, it's all in good
fun. Sound sophomoric? That's the
point. For guys, it's like being back
in the high school locker room. Even
though we're only in our 20s and
30s, I guess it keeps us feeling
young.

My wife, on the other hand, might
get very caught up in worrying about
how one of her friends would react if
she actually confronted her about, say,
the fact that she never congratulated
her on getting a new job. She says
she's afraid it will ruin a friendship or
something.
Maybe men are more'shallow in
this sense, but I don't think we share
this fear to the same degree — if at all.
No matter how stereotypical it
might sound, it's all part of our big
equation. Men are raised to thrive on
open, aggressive competition a.k.a.
sports. And a big part of sports is
taunting. And a big part of taunting is
busting chops. And busting chops is
gossiping when the one being gossiped
about is there.
The problem is: Since guys are so
often engaged in fraternal insults, it's
hard to tell when someone really
means what he's saying. Which means
that if we really want someone to
change, we have to get in his face and
say, "Look, I'm sick of shelling out for
hot dogs every time we go to
Nathan's." Unfortunately, men are still
too wimpy to talk this directly to a
female friend. Instead, we'll complain
about her to our buddies. And yes
that's when, once and for all, we gos-
sip. ❑

5/15
1998

85