For Openers...

There Was Someone
Watching Over Me

while she was in the store, she lost
What's a bit surprising is that you
would never wish a natural dis-
over $100 and a money clip that she'd
never see losers thanking the Almighty
aster on Manhattan; but should
used for many years, a money clip that
for
their
season-ending
loss
or
for
one occur, you can bet that the
her son received for his bar mitzvah
their
recently
acquired
lessons
in
roving TV news teams won't
five decades earlier.
humility.
camp out on 122nd and
"I guess," Selma said with a
Only a small percentage
Broadway for their "person
resigned shrug, "I guess that's God's
of professional football play-
on the street" interviews.
way of telling me not to drink any
ers engage in public religios-
That's too highbrow a loca-
more liquor." I thought for a moment
ity, but they're annoying.
tion; it's swarming with intel-
and then offered her my knee-jerk
Our community can take
ligent women and men
theology, a perspective that revived her
pride in the fact that none
attending fine Jewish and
lovely smile and elicited a grateful
of the Jewish players in the
Christian seminaries on
laugh.
NFL put on such displays.
opposite corners.
"Well, maybe you're right," I
For example, Harris Barton,
No, the video cameras will
replied. "Maybe God was telling you
the 286 pound, 6-foot-4-
invade some pub to elicit pro-
RABBI BOB
`no more booze.' But here's what I
inch all-star offensive line-
nouncements from amateur
ALPER
think. I think God was saying, 'Selma:
man for the San Francisco
theologians, just as they do
Special to
Get a WALLET!'" ❑
49ers has never, to my
following every catastrophe.
The Jewish News knowledge, made a bone-
It's a predictable routine. A
crunching tackle and then
hurricane? Head for the strip
on the 25-yard line.
davened
mall. "Yup, the man upstairs was
Most people, at one time or anoth-
watchin' over me." Tornado? It's off to
er, engage in pop theology. Sometimes
Lucy's Roadside Cafe. "It were a miracle
A little taste of Yiddish.)
their simple conclusions help them
I made it through. Just a durn miracle."
feel better and sometimes not. Like
We encounter these declarations all
Chutzpah gilt!
my friend Selma, age 85.
the time. Left unsaid, but implicit, is
Nerve
succeeds.
Selma sadly reported to me what
the notion that "the man upstairs,"
happened during her monthly visit to
that cosmic puppeteer, either forgot to
the liquor store to buy a fifth of
protect those who did not survive or
vodka. Hardly an alcoholic, Selma just
simply decided, "Hmmm. Think I'll
enjoys an occasional cocktail. But
randomly slaughter, oh, about 47 peo-
ple, but I'll spare Jethro."
Forgive my cynicism, but I really
do take offense at knee-jerk theology
with its underlying self-centeredness.
One of the worst, and unfortunate-
"I learned a long time ago never to play coneupmanship' with a congressman
ly, most public sources of such unso-
and a mayor. But I wish you a million and a half mazel toys anyway on this
phisticated thinking can be found in
the National Football League. The
special day."
— Rabbi Elliott Kleinman of the Union of American Hebrew Congregations,
tight end snares a pass, races to the
at Congregation Shir Tikvah's synagogue dedication,
end zone and falls to his knees in
in response to State Sen. Michael Bouchard and Troy Mayor Jean Stine
grateful prayer, sometimes joined by
wishing congregants multiple mazel toys.
his teammates. Later, at the press con-
ference, the athletes praise God for
"In my work, I rely on many Jewish writers — Matthew, Mark, Moses, John,
their victory.
Paul, Ezekiel ..."
— The Rev. Monsignor E Gerald Martin,
Rabbi Bob Alper is a stand-up comic
editor
of
the
"Michigan
Catholic,"
in jest at the 1998 Dove Award Dinner
and author.
hosted by the Ecumenical Institute for Jewish-Christian Studies.

quotables

C D

\

Ilm By You

BY Mendel

TNETRE CALLING VIE
UP FOR AM
CALM DOWN ,
ALIAH, WHAT IP TUST REMEMBER
I BLOW LT AMP WHAT.YOU LEARNED
(N HEBREW
FORGET
SCH 00 L
EVER THING?

D'D

JEAN, THAT'S (T, T ILL 3UST
FOCUS ON WHAT I
LEARNED IN HEBREW SCHOOL!

SPAVIRmEiScH BPAEL
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