Let's Make A Date

Matchmakers help determine if the ideal
marriage partner is behind door number 1, 2 or 3.

BARBARA HORWITZ
Special to The Jewish News

louds of cigarette smoke float
toward the ceiling, and over-
sized speakers pulsate with the
beat of a heavy bass guitar.
People pack into the dimly lit room.
Sara and her girlfriend do a lap, beer
in hand, looking to make eye contact
with Mr. Right, who's hopefully Jewish.
Next frame: Jonathan is in the midst
of a fascinating conversation with
Tamar, at a dinner party. He likes her
smile and enthusiasm, and she likes lis-
tening to stories of his recent travels . At
the end of the evening, they exchange
phone numbers and make tentative
plans.
On deck: Rachel nervously gets ready
for a blind date. She thinks about the
things a family friend told her about
David, how he's kind-natured, intellec-
tual and loves kids. David, who is look-
ing for a serious relationship, also was
impressed with the things he heard
about Rachel. Based upon common
interests, goals and values, they have
decided to meet at a coffee shop.
Welcome to the wide world of dat-
ing! Behind Door No. 1 we have Happy
Hour. If you peek around Door No. 2,

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you'll see the latest episode of "Friends."
ents wind up playing cupid.
And behind Door No. 3 you'll find
Ideally, the suggestion focuses on
something reminiscent of Fiddler on the
similar values, personalities and outlooks
Roof. So what'll it be?
on life. This means you're already five
It's a given that almost everyone at
steps ahead of the game, sharing a num-
Happy Hour is looking to meet some-
ber of things in common even before
one of the opposite sex, but
you meet.
we've got to wonder how Sara
With matchmaking, dating
Orthodox
feels about the whole random-
couples typically is very straightforward, as both
ness of the situation. What kind view dating as a parties are scoping seriously
of character assessment do you
lead-in to
for a long-term relationship.
marriage.
get after a conversation in a
So you've got the basics; I
loud, crowded bar?
hope you're sitting down
OK, so what's the deal with the din-
because you're not going to believe this.
ner party? The fact that Jonathan and
In the traditional, Torah-observant
Tamar have a mutual friend is a good
world, dating guidelines say that a cou-
sign. While it's a fairly low-pressure situ-
ple can't engage in any physical contact
ation, the tricky part is that neither
prior to marriage.
knows the other's intentions. What
Excuse me? No touching at all?
begins as friendly conversation could
Yep, it's true. But wait, before you
turn into a guessing game.
start rolling your eyes, hear me out.
So, what about the blind date? This
This describes the development of an
is not just your mother knows someone
intellectual, emotional and spiritual rela-
whose son is available. Do matchmakers
tionship beyond the physical. Chemistry
really exist in the '90s?
is important, but the idea is to avoid
Yes, matchmakers do exist, and they
mistaking physical pleasure for emotion-
actually take some of the pressure off of
al compatibility.
dating.
The power of touch and physical
A matchmaker, a.k.a. shadchan, isn't
intimacy make it more challenging to
necessarily a "yenta" with office hours.
determine why you're attracted to some-
It's quite common that a relative, mutu-
one. Physical involvement automatically
al friend, rabbi/rebbitzen or your par-
connects you to someone, whether or

not that connection is supported by
emotion and intellect.
By reserving physical intimacy for the
right place and the right time we can
maximize pleasure and use it to
strengthen a connection which is
already firmly rooted.
Compared to the standards of West-
ern 20th century society, these are radi-
cally conservative, old-fashioned ideas.
But let's go back to the matchmaker.
When many people hear the word
"matchmaker" they picture two dates
and then straight to the wedding
canopy. However, with the exception of
some Chassidic circles, couples do spend
a significant chunk of time together
before any question-popping.
Of course, both people are looking
for that long-term Right Relationship.
After a handful of dates, if it's heading
that way, the couple will dive into real -
issues, such as life goals and family.
If you think about it, it really doesn't
take terribly long to know if you can
make it work with someone. It's likely
that a schlepped-out relationship is not
due to uncertainty, but rather a fear of
commitment or laziness.
If and when an Orthodox couple dis-
covers that it's not going to work out,
they can civilly and maturely go their
separate ways.
OK, I admit, Orthodox dating can
be cut-and-dry and business-like. Some-
times drinks and dinner do feel more
like an interview, followed by a "report
card" at the end of the night. With
mainstream dating, no doubt, there's
less pressure. The stakes aren't as high
and the overriding factors focus on,
"Can we have fun together?"
While having a good time certainly is
important in what we call "shidduch"
dating, the experience still winds up
being a more serious undertaking. But
then again, its up to the couple to keep
it light and social.
Yeah, it's kind of different having the
shadchan tell you your date's feedback
about the evening, but consider that at
least you honestly know where you
stand.
While the length of pre-engagement
shidduch dating varies, some couples do
make a commitment after a few weeks.
Inevitably, the Torah-observant world
has its share of broken engagements.
But for the majority of engaged couples
who taste their wedding cake, it is a
well-known fact that the divorce rate
amongst Orthodox Jews is significantly
lower than the mainstream Jewish
world.
There is something to be said for
"experience" and learning more about

4/3
1998

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