Ten of them meet Tuesdays and Fridays
at the Bagel Shop. They have all been
married to the same Jewish men for an
average of 25 years. They know some-
thing about love and how to make it
work, so when they have a name for any
of us, we usually give the person a
chance.
I was surprised one day when a man's
voice on my answering
machine announced that
he was a friend of my
mom's friend's cousin's
son. He was calling
because somewhere down
the line someone had met
him at a Havdalah service
and told him we should
meet. I was flattered,
although confused. But
then he asked, am I thin?
What does my father do?
What do I think about
money? What are my views about his
33-inch waist?
I know we really can't blame our
friends and relatives for their inability to
match us up. Unlike their shtetl prede-
cessors, today's matchmakers are ama-
teurs. Sometimes they are so swept up
in finding another Jewish single that
they cannot help but arrange a date,
thinking single plus single equals cou-
ple. Forget common interests or passion.
"If my non-Jewish friends know any
Jewish guys, they try to set me up
because they think all Jews must get
along," one woman said.
The Torah tells us bad things happen
when you marry outside the faith. King
Solomon did, for at least a few of his
700 marriages, and God took the king-
dom away from his descendants, leaving
them only to rule over the tribe of
Judah.
Today, we're not going to lose our
kingdoms if we marry non-Jews. Maybe
we'll feel a little less connected to Israel
or the synagogue. Maybe our kids won't
be quite as "Jewish," our grandchildren
even less so. As the bond is loosened,
each generation loses something.
Remember that only two percent of
Americans are Jews, and that most of us
blend easily into the mainstream in
ways not even our parents, much less
our grandparents, could.
There is no doubt the Jewish com-
munity is serious about stemming the
tide of intermarriage, according to
Rabbi Alan Silverstein, co-chair of the
Intermarriage Commission of the Rab-
binical Assembly and the United Syna-
gogue for Conservative Judaism, and
author of It All Begins With a Date: Jew-
ish Concerns About Intermarriage;

The real battle, he says, is to get sin-
gle Jews meaningfully involved in a
number of settings where they can meet
each other. "We should make that the
highest priority, and it should be reflect-
ed in the pooling of agency and syna-
gogue funds and the hiring of full-time
staff:" he says.
Not surprisingly, well-funded young
adult organizations not
only bring singles togeth-
er, but also tie them into
the community. A friend
found that out when she
moved to the Bay Area
and became involved in
the Young Adult Divi-
sion of the San Francisco
Jewish Community Fed-
eration; the group helped
her transition to life on
the West Coast.
"Yes, we are a group of
young, single Jews and that does set us
apart, but we are also givers ... of our
time, of ourselves and to the Federa-
tion," says Dan Lavin, president of
YADE "There are a lot of reasons to get
together with other Jews. Judaism is by
its nature a communal religion. Some-

Single

Single
= Couple?

times it is just social, and sometimes it is
to help people or it is for religious pur-
poses or a mix of all these things."
What it all comes down to, in a
sense, is finding a Jewish community
now, so that you can do your part to
keep the larger Jewish community alive
and well.
I think back to the Matzah Ball I
went to in Houston last November. At
9 p.m. there were only 50 of us; at 10
p.m., 100 more. By the end, 500 of us
were kicked out by the Houston police
because we were creating a massive fire
hazard. College kids, graduate students,
professionals. There was no room to sit
down.
I loved that I didn't have to drop
mention of Israel into conversation to
see if someone was Jewish, that I didn't
have to worry that the names Goldstein
or Goldberg were deceiving me into
thinking I was talking to a Jew, when in
fact his mother was not Jewish. I loved
that there was no shrimp or pork on the
trays at the bar.
After so many years of preparation,
the Jewish dating scene should not be
so hard. But we are drawn into a
world where we speak and think in

paradoxes. Not another singles event!

Why hasn't that singles calendar come
yet? No more set ups! I can find my
own dates. Don't you have any single
friends you can set me up with? This
whole Jewish scene is so lame. So
where's everyone going tonight?
The bottom line, which we'll deny, is

-

that many of us have a sense of hope
about these events. I still go to bad par-
ties and to young professional jogs on
the bayou and coffee talks and hikes
and potluck Shabbat meals and wine
tastings and trips to the grocery store at
the right time of night and Friday night
services and Israeli dancing and, of
course, the Bagel Shop. I'll even go on
more blind dates.
I'm not so worried about finding my
beshert right now I've always thought he
has a sense of direction like mine, and
it's going to take a while to find each
other. Along with my degree, maybe the
only other thing I should have been
given at graduation was a map. ❑

—.Reprinted with permission of
Women's League for Conservative Judaism
Outlook Magazine.

A rabbi discusses Adam and Eve's impact on dating in the '90s.

DEBBIE FEIT
Special to The Jewish News

abbi Steve Burg is wor-
ried about Cameron
Diaz.
As the bride-to-be in
My Best Friend's Wedding; her charac-
ter is happily willing to put aside her
aspirations and forego college in
order to travel with her sportswriter
fiance. Burg wants to know what
she's going to do when she decides
she wants a job and finds she doesn't
have an education. "That is a bit of a
problem," says Burg. "Not ever say-
ing no is not necessarily a [sign of a]
healthy relationship."
Comfortably nestled between fic
don and essay collections, a group of
about 50 gathered last month at
Barnes & Noble on Orchard Lake
Road to hear NCSY's Rabbi Steven
Burg ponder the question: "Dating
in the Bible and the Nineties: Are
they one in the same?"
Naturally, the talk begins with a

close look at Adam and Eve. Burg
notes that God could simply have
given Eve to Adam. "But he would-
n't have appreciated her," he points

out.

Instead, God has Adam name all
the creatures in the animal kingdom
By doing so, he learns that all the
animals have a companion; and he
realizes he would like one of his own.
"If he knows he's missing some-
thing, and God fills that spot, it's
going to make the relationship that
much better," explains Burg. "Psy-
chologically, it's brilliant."
Moving on to biblical couple No.
2, Isaac and Rebecca, Burg explains
the verse describing their marriage:
"He married Rebecca. She became
his wife. And he loved her." He
points out the sequence of events,
noting that Isaac loved Rebecca after,
rather than before, he married her.
"People think they're in love when
they're dating," he says. "Ultimately,
it takes a long time to be in love.
When you get up in the morning

and the person has messy hair and
bad breath, that's when you know
you really love someone.'
Burg wraps up his lecture with a
discussion of Jewish law: `‘You
should not come close to uncovering
someone who is forbidden to you."
This refers to physical touch, done in
an affectionate manner, before mar-
riage.
"Touch is powerful," he explains
"A physical relationship connects
people. And if a relationship is based
only on the physical, then people are
willing to ignore other problems."
Halachah, or Jewish law, teaches
what Burg has been emphasizing all
evening: Communication is key in a
successful relationship,
"A physical relationship is an inte-
gral part of marriage," he reassures
the crowd. "But not the basis of
one.
So what's the bottom line? Dating
in biblical times may not quite be
like dating in the '90s — but it can
be.

3/2 7

1998