For Openers...

Evaluate Your Attitude
Toward Kids In Shul

E

of Mr. Berman, known throughout his
rabbi's well-crafted sermon. And they
lliot. ELLIOT! Would you
neighborhood as the man who adored
stare
into
space
as
their
little
beloved
please ... SHUT ... UP?!"
children. One day he spent hours pour-
slams
paryerbooks
to
the
floor.
Those were my thoughts,
ing and skillfully, even artistically,
I
sound
like
a
curmudgeon?
Do
I
not my words. After all, I was
smoothing out a new cement sidewalk.
like kids. I enjoy having
really
sitting in the synagogue, the
Just as he finished, a 7-year-old decided
them around nearly all the
"sanctuary," the "house of
to take a quick, sloshy hike down
time. I consider children to
prayer," where throwing an
Berman's fresh walkway.
be divine creations. Divine
adult tantrum is frowned
Berman went ballistic, screaming at
creations, however, that need
upon. And besides, the rabbi
the now-terrified youngster. A perplexed
not be omnipresent.
was midway into a sermon on
neighbor, who witnessed the entire
A few years ago, I did
current trends in liturgy. I
episode, ran over to the hyperventilat-
stand-up comedy at a large
wanted to hear what she was
ing man. "Mr. Berman," the neighbor
West Coast synagogue. The
saying.
inquired, "I"m astounded by what I
newly-minted assistant rabbi
Not so, Elliot. Yak yak yak,
saw. I thought you loved children."
and his wife brought their
yak yak, he gabbed with the
RABB I BOB
"I do," Berman gasped," but in the
first-born to the event and sat
person in the pew in front of
AL PER
abstract. Not in the concrete." ❑
in the front of the room, near
him, with the people sitting
Spec ial to
the exit door. Though my
behind and especially with his
The Jew ish News performance was electrifying
mother, to his left. I ignored
(he writes, modestly), the 2-
him until he made a lunge for
month-old was far more interested in
my glasses.
his stomach and his bowels than in
(A taste of Hebrew,
Elliot was 11 months old.
had
to
offer.
And
so,
a
few
min-
what
I
Yiddish
or Ladino.)
The congregation to which I belong
utes after I began, the mommy took the
is not one of the mega-shuls large
baby out of the room. Then the daddy
Abi geztmt — dos kben ken
enough to offer separate seating (kibitz-
went out. Then the daddy came back.
men zich a.lain nemen.
ing and non-kibitzing). But we do sup-
Followed, a few minutes later, by the
ply a trustworthy babysitter each week,
mommy with the baby. Then all three
Be sure to stay healthy --
so the little kids can celebrate a cacoph-
left.
you can kill yourself later.
onous little "Tots' Shabbat" in the play-
You get the picture.
Now t- here's a comforting thought.
room while, elsewhere, their parents
Ah, kids. It reminds me of the story
enjoy the spiritual and intellectual nour-
ishment of the holy day.
Most of the parents, but not all. A
few are simply incapable of un-bond-
ing, even for a short time. The folks,
disciples of what I call "the school of
catatonic parenting," float in a gauzy
"Get over it."
haze, blissfully unaware of their precious
— Graffiti scrawled over the word "Remember" in several anti-hate
posters at a New Jersey train station. The posters, produced by the
offspring's destructive acts and intru-
Simon Wiesenthal Center as part of a nationwide program,
sions into other people's space. They
have a photograph of train tracks leading into Auschwitz.
haul their kids into adult services, smil-
ing serenely as their toddler interrupts
the cantor's lilting melody. They make
"For the right woman, I would turn my life inside out."
— Jay Ramras, the Jewish bachelor from Alaska
cutesy, palms up "gee, what can I do"
who came to New York City in search of a Jewish bride.
gestures as their child drowns out the
He returned home when one woman he liked refused to relocate.
Rabbi Bob Alper is a stand-up comic
He now says he would consider moving to Manhattan.
and author.

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5

