Honor Your Family and Friends

on Your Special Occasion
With A Gift To JARC
And perform a Double Mitzvah

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until after the invitations are
received and complaints are received.
It's important that mother and
daughter agree on verbiage and a
course of action or inaction in
advance. Mother, bear in mind you
are planning a wedding to please
your daughter and her chosen mate,
not a social event whose purpose is
to please everyone.
A friend solved the children-at-
the-wedding challenge beautifully by
hiring a baby sitter on the premises,
replete with cribs, a separate play-
room, a clown and sufficient atten-
dants. This works
best if wedding
and reception are
in the same loca-
tion.
Her invitation
read something like
this: "We love chil-
dren and they are
welcome. We've
planned a special
party just for them,
where they will be
cared for by profes-
sionals, play games, be entertained
and fed."
The children were provided for
close to — but not in the thick of
— the ceremony and reception.
Their parents could check on them
whenever they wished. This freed the
adults to enjoy the festivities as
intended without the distraction of
wailing, constrained infants and tod-
dlers.
What about the exes? Invite them
or not, as the bride wishes, and let
the chips fall where they may. On
my daughter's wedding day, her
favorite stepbrother, in the process of
divorce, appeared with his new girl-
friend in tow. Understandably, this
breach of etiquette saddened my
daughter and angered her stepbroth-
er's family and his son and soon-to-
be-ex-wife.
Several months later, when the
stepbrother wed his never-married
young girlfriend, her family threw a
lavish affair, an immense wedding
for their only daughter. The ceremo-
ny was followed by a sit-down din-
ner and dancing in a huge hotel ball-
room. It was the be-all and end-all
of divisive confrontation.
The bride's family, friends and kin

were seated on one side of the ball-
room; her new family of in-laws,
outlaws, "steps" and exes on the
other. Alcohol flowed freely. Every-
one attended with the expectation of
being offended and possibly insult-
ed. No one went home disappointed.
Open warfare did not break out;
however, it was an inauspicious way
to begin a new life.
Photographs are another source of
potential unhappiness. I married a
man with four sons when the eldest
was 12 years old. Blessed with a cor-
dial relationship with his common-
sense ex-wife, I
was included in
my stepsons' wed-
ding photographs.
Most appreciated
were advance
explanations, such
as, "We are going
to photograph the
bride and groom
with Dad and
Mom. Then we
will make separate
photographs of the
bride and groom with you and Dad."
Although uncomfortable while my
husband was being photographed in
all kinds of blood-family setups, I
was assured by the knowledge that
the bride's loving advance planning
included me, and that among the
wedding photographs would be an
image of my husband and me with
the bride and groom.
Who's to walk the bride down the
aisle, give her away, and dance with
her, her birth father or the father
who raised her? The bride's decision,
of course.
The choice of best man, an elec-
tive of the groom, can create a rift,
but sooner or later, everyone will get
over it.
You have control over where your
guests are seated at a sit-down din-
ner. You have control over little else.
Let it go.
Realistically, you can't please
everyone, but with careful planning
you may avert major catastrophes.
Just remember, whatever happens —
and something will — don't let any-
thing spoil this special day. It is pos-
sible to be an island of calm amid
the increasing chaos. Ask the mother
of any bride. 0

Choose
your battles
very
wisely.

>

• A loving way to celebrate your simcha

• A meaningful way to help people with
developmental disabilities live dignified lives

Tributes are acknowledged on elegant

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certificates with your unique message.

To learn how to enhance the beauty of
your important day with a tribute to JARC,
call 248-352-5272.

A Jewish Association for Residential Care for persons with developmental disabilities

28366 Franklin Road, Southfield, MI 48034
248-352-5272 v/tty, fax 248-352-5279

email

jarc@speedlink.net

31543 W. 13 Mile Rd.
Farmington Hills
(248) 553-4867

$200°° Off

Candid Photographic Packages

(Wedding, Bar/Bat Mitzvah, Anniversary. etc.)
With purchase of both photographs and ∎-ideo.
(New purchase only)

3/20
1998

C6!