I Purim Spoof! Professionally Single Maybe the curse is in the name. MERRY LIN CONE Rolls Along T Clothes, Bee Gees, E compelling case fo Belie ad by World Wide fever ' Find out the: JEWISH SECRETS To Self-Impairment "How To Prepare For The Married Life " With Noted Lecturer Rabbi Shlemeil Ironic April: May: June: Men Who Hate Women And The Jewish Women Who Love Them What Judaism Says About The Wendy Syndrome Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, But Torah Study Gives Us A Common Language Kosher Chicken Soup For The Soul July: All I Ever Needed To Know I Learned In The Kollel August: September: I'm Okay, You're Okay, So Be My Chevruta First Tuesday of Every Month Jewish Community Sanitorium (Maple/Dreck Campus). 3/13 1998 72 For more information, call Beth Brownapple at 555-9999 hey didn't think their name would lead to a life of living alone. In fact, when the founders of Pro- fessionally Single Jews settled on a moniker for their fledgling singles group, they originally intended mere- ly to state what they were: Jewish professionals who happened to be single. But the plan backfired. Perhaps true to the group's name, these Jew- ish professional singles have made a career out of being single. And now, the group is disbanding due to the nightmare the name has caused. "We had good intentions," said group president Susie A. Lone. "But I think the name prevented people from joining. We've had no new members since we formed three years ago." A recent event flier stated: "We do nothing Jewish except meet other Jews. If you're looking for a non- kosher scope session with the same 12 people who always attend, join us!' The group gets together every other day, often carpooling together between restaurants and social events, including movies centered on the plight of being single. (In November, members trekked downtown for a • screening of Deep Throat Crimson, a movie about a lonely woman who meets a man through a personal ad. After the film, the group practiced coming up with creative personals to list in The Jewish Chews.) "You may not be with someone, but you can spend hours with other lonely sad-sack souls, lamenting and cementing your singlehood," said Jim Lonelyheart, who was barred from the group for speaking to The Chews. Rumor has it that he's starting a singles group of his own, to be called: Jews Who Are So Set In Their Ways It's No Wonder They're Still Single. First event? A discussion about how to handle the 82 Jewish holidays alone. Held at Lonelyheart's - house next month, ,he requested that participants bring a pair of slippers because he doesn't allow dirty shoes to touch the linoleum in his front hall. El WHAT'S HAPPENING The Scene will list events of a Jewish nature that appeal to young adults and singles, 20s and 30s. Tuesday, March 17 UJA sponsored Scoping Session. 7-10 p.m. Bring your own beer goggles. At the New Woodward Grill, Bloomfield. Call Marc Smirk, (248) 555-MEET. - Wednesday, March 18 "How to be single and live with yourself," discussion and dessert. 7:30 p.m. At Megabooks Inc., Wixom. Call Joey Cingle, (248) 555-7777. Frida,y, March 20 Singles Shabbat service. Come alone. No entry to those in long- term, serious, loving relation- ships. 8:30 p.m. At Congrega- tion Keepern Coming. Sponsored by all synagogues in the area and of course, Federation. Call Sarah Stayput, (248) 555-PRAY Saturday, March 21 Come meet your match at Power- hold Gym's first singles scoping bonanza. Special membership deals for singles, 21-39, $16 for four days. Spot a hunk while lift- ing or on the treadmill. Make sure to come in trendy workout attire and with full makeup. Call Heavyweight Sam, (248) 555- LIFT.