The Real Megillah

Esther? Monica? Achashverosh? Bill? What's the difference?

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A LAN H.

Associate

S

o that we don't get sued by
the Choose Your Own Adven-
ture children's book people,
we're going to call this little
Purim exercise Mixin' Your Own Fic-

tion.

In the spirit of the holiday, write
your own Purim spiel. And if you
don't like the answer at the end of
your story, start over:

START HERE:
Oh, once there was a wicked,
wicked man and
was his
name, sir! (If you select Haman, go to
10. If Billy, go to 7. Ken = 5. Jesse =
3. Sad Man = 9.)

1. She doesn't think! What a lousy
selection. But in the spirit of Purim
we put this answer at the top so that
it's easier for you to start over (and
mend your silly ways).

2. Long-suffering woman, queen of
America, trumpeter of health care and
babysitter for Billy. Is she Vashti or
Esther? Which Hillary do you want?

3/13
1998

68

The Vashti harlot is 8, while sweet
Esther is 12.

just look at what the majority leader
had to say. He was ready to blow Iraq
sky high, come UN or high water
3. Come on, people! I agree with
(isn't that El Nino something?) Any-
you, but he's been
way, you know we
behind the scenes.
liberal, pinko journal-
How can you blame a
ists can't stand for
that! If you go along
nice old curmudgeony
cracker when it's not
with that line of
even Passover? All
thinking, this is the
right, in the spirit of
end of the story for
Purim, go on to 5.
you!
Billy Boy
Chelsea Park
7. How could
Esther
4. Right! Another
you!?! Innocent Billy!
Haman
great thinker. Reminds
Look at that sweet
Walking Up Hill-ary
face, the smooth
me of the girl on the
N.C. Jesse
swing in Ragtime. If
Words pouring from
Ken's A. Starr
you think she's Esther,
both sides of his
Monica Lewdwink
head for 12.
mouth. A near-war to
Mordecai
If she's Vashti, try
deflect
us from the
Paula Pay Day
path of righteousness.
8.
Mideast Sad Man
What does
Trent A. Lott
5. Ken, Ken, Ken
think? Hillary = 2.
Vashti
Starr's your man. If he
Paula = 1. Monica =
can't do it,
4. Chelsea = 9.
can.
(Trent = 6. Bill = 11.)
8. What do you have against her?
All she did was refuse to dance naked
6. If you don't think these conserv-
in front of that lout of a husband of
ative Republicans are sticking together, hers who, if he hadn't been so stupid,

wouldn't have gotten himself and us
into this mess in the first place. The
real truth about her is 9.

9. Just playing around, being a
kid, the little innocent caught up in
the nasty world affairs of the big bad
man.

10. Now I know this sounds
mean. But if you really wanted to
read the Purim story, get yourself to
shul and read Esther's version, not
this one. Start over!

11. If he could have just acted like
a king instead of a farm boy. Where
will his pants be in the history
books? Ahasvuereus, you've got a dis-
ciple!

12. Savior of our people! (No, not
him. Her!) She deflected attention
away from the real problem at the
risk of her personal safety (comfort?)
Of course, she took another woman's
husband. Chief concubine, if you
please. It was good enough for the
megillah, but not the Bible. If you
want the truth, if you haven't already
been there go to 9. ❑