Starter Ellarriages:
Over Before They Begin
Unrealistic
expectations
often lead to
disappointment
when the
honeymoon's
over
ALLISON KAPLAN
Special to The Jewish News
3/6
1998
80
S
he had doubts.
In the midst of planning a
fancy wedding for 350, Jane
couldn't help thinking she was
about to marry the wrong guy. The fact
that she was Jewish and he Catholic was
only the tip of the iceberg when it came
to their differences. They didn't work as
a team. They had trouble communicat-
ing — even after three years of dating
and a year living together.
"I said to myself, maybe I shouldn't
do this. I loved him, but I wasn't sure if
he was for me," said the Farmington
Hills resident, who was 27 at the time.
"But my parents had put out so much
money [for the wedding]. So I kept
quiet. I thought things would change."
Things didn't change. They tried
Allison Kaplan is a Chicago-based
writer and frequent Scene contributor.
therapy, but Jane said it was already too
late. Two years after her dream wedding
— almost to the day — Jane and her
husband separated. Last August, they
were divorced.
Sadly, Jane's early divorce is not terri-
bly unusual. In fact, situations like hers
have even earned a name of their own:
starter marriages — over before they
ever really begin.
In 1990, the most recent year for
which statistics are available from the
U.S. Department of Health and Human
Services' Division of Vital Statistics,
around 20 percent of the 1.2 million
divorces occurred between people ages
25 to 29.
Experts say the Jewish community is
no exception, which might be difficult
to believe, mainly because twentysome-
thing divorces are not a hot topic for
conversation. Case in point: Of around
10 young,.Jewish, Detroit-area
divorcees asked to speak.anonymous-
ly for this article, Jane was the only
one who agreed to tell her story.
Anonymously, at that.
In the Orthodox community,
where couples still tend to marry
young — typically between the ages
of 19 and 24 — Rabbi Steven Weil
says there is often a pressure to get
married.
"When you're young, you're not
thinking about what kind of couple
you'll be in 15 years,"' Weil said.
Recognizing that many of the piv-
otal issues arise only after the "pomp
and ceremony" is over, Weil said last
year he started meeting with young
newlyweds three and nine month after
the ceremony.
"We talk about the dynamics —
the emotional, intellectual, physical,"
Weil said. "After the wedding, cou-
ples usually have a lot more to -say.
It's more meaningful."
Now, Jane hopes other young cou-
ples will listen up and think twice
before rushing into a marriage they
might not really want.
The problem is not a pressure in
the Jewish community to get mar-
ried, Jane said. Among her friends,
she was actually one of the first to
take the plunge.
"I just wanted to get married," Jane
said. "I was ready I wanted kids. I
thought he was the one for me."
Most couples today are waiting until
they are older and somewhat established
in careers before they get married, said
Rabbi Aaron Bergman of the Conserva-
tive congregation, Beth Abraham Hillel
Moses. Bergman, who meets with cou-
ples a few times before he will marry
them, said the bilt:est problem he sees is
unrealistic expectations. The partners are
attracted to each other in a romantic
sense, but don't actually have much in
common, he said.
"The predominant reason [for young
couples divorcing] is he or she is not
who they said they'd be," said clinical
social worker Janice Tracht, who facili-
tates Temple Israel's Divorce Support
Group. "The key thing is communica-
tion — there's usually a lot of assuming
going on."