While planning a wedding, Tracht
said, it's easy to brush problems aside,
blame them on stress or the extended
family.
"In marriage, these issues can no
longer be brushed aside," she said. "The
little irritations begin to add up."
Such was the case for Jane and her
husband. Soon after the wedding, the
bickering dissolved into fights. He went
out with his friends, she went out with
hers — which was probably just as well,
Jane said, since no one could stand
them together. His hours at work
changed soon after the wedding, so that
he would get home after Jane had
already gone to sleep.
And having different religions, while
never the central problem, didn't exactly
bond them together.
Many Detroit-area rabbis and thera-
pists think better preparation for what
comes after the honeymoon could help
couples work through the irritations and
realities of daily life more productively
— or perhaps alert them before the
wedding that they might not be a good
match.
Sometimes, Bergman said, a few ses-
sions with the rabbi just isn't enough.
For that reason, Detroit's Conservative
synagogues launched a program last
month to more directly address many of
the unromantic aspects of marriage.
"We find that couples spend a whole
lot of time organizing the wedding and
party, but often not enough time on the
marriage," said Jewish Family Services'
Sandy Hyman, who helped the syna-
gogues coordinate the Making Marriage
Work seminars.
The five-week workshop focuses on
a Jewish perspective to marriage. Topics
include communication, conflict resolu-
tion, sexuality, finances and dealing with
in-laws.
The issues are discussed in the con-
text of setting up a Jewish household,
Bergman explained. As a model for cre-
ating intimacy, the rabbi said he uses
Shabbat to emphasize the importance of
family time.
"The issues are not difficult — the
solutions are difficult," said Bergman.
A seminar like this might have
helped Jane address the shortcomings in
her own relationship, she said, before
she married the wrong'man.
Jane is engaged again. This time, it's a
Jewish man who she says is her best
friend, her confidant and happily, her
partner.

Dynamics Of Divorce

A Conservative rabbi's perspective on relationships.

RABBI LEONARDO BITRAN
Special to The Jewish News

I

s e more
esat intop daa ry t,w be ech aa u ve
think
o i rcth

have more options.
We live in a more accepting
society where there is, less prejudice
against people whose marriages break
up. It is not that people divorce too
easily. I do not know a single couple
whose divorce was easy. What hap-
pens is that husbands and wives have
more opportunities to survive on
their own.
A woman can live on her own,
(thank God), and support herself
and her family as a single parent.
Men also have an easier time liv-
ing on their own. We have available
to us: kosher (hopefully) restaurants,
kosher take-out, dry cleaning and we
can hire people to help keep up the
house and raise the children. These
and other services were not as acces-
sible to us 100 years ago.
In this article I would like to
reflect on some of the forces that
have helped increase the rate of
divorce. This is also an attempt to
clarify the issues rather than offer
solutions to the epidemic, although I
will provide some guidelines. My
approach in this article is not tradi-
tional, but personal.
We are living in very different
times. The changes that have
occurred in our society in the 20th
century have been more profound
and dramatic than those in the last
two or three centuries combined.
Grounds for a Jewish divorce have
always been minimal. Jewish law
does not require the imposition of
guilt on one party or the other.
However, it was not until the sec-
ond part of this century that we saw
the divorce rate increase exponential-
ly. On the one hand, reasons for
divorcing a spouse have been as
superficial as spoiling dinner, (Mish-
nah, Gittin 9/10), but the day-to-day
life of a divorced parent has not been
as easy as it is today.

❑

The JFS workshop costs $50 per
couple and is open to anyone. To
register, call 248-737-5055.

Leonardo Bitran is a Conservative
rabbi at Shaarey Zedek-B'nai Israel
Center in West Bloomfield.

qualities important to you in a
spouse.
By knowing yourself, you also
will be less likely to fall into a role
that has been carved out for you
that may eventually prove to be dis-
satisfying. Lastly, by doing this for
yourself, you may avoid taxing, your
future relationship with a burden
that otherwise would be yours to
resolve.
Now that you have gotten to
know yourself better, what are the
chances that you will find the per-
son that is perfect for you? Consider-
ing the odds, I suspect that the
chances are good, but the chances
for a successful marriage may still
be slim.
So after you have found your best
match, how do you help assure a
successful relationship? In other
words, what is supposed to happen
beyond bashert?
You will have to introduce
two new elements into the
relationship: 1) Picking
your battles, which
sometimes means
simply letting the
other win, and 2)
Compromising, i.e.
coming out of a
conflict with a sat-
isfactory resolu-
tion for all.
As I re-read
this article, I
realize that I
ended up
talking
about
how to
find the right partner when I was
supposed to talk about divorce. One
reason may be that I have been
divorced for three years and have
struxled with this issue myself
But in truth, it is because
Judaism does not regard being sin-
gle or divorced as a permanent con-
dition. As the Bibles states: "It is
not good for a human being to be
alone," (Gen. 2:18); and as the Tal-
mud reiterates: "Anyone who has
no spouse lives without joy, without
blessing, and without goodness."
(B. Yev. 62b)

Perhaps therein lies the reason
why divorce was less common. Or
should we assume that married life
was better in past centuries? No, we
know that in past centuries there
were plenty of miserable marriages.
The only difference was that there
were fewer options available.
A second issue relates to what we
seek in marriage. Our expectations of
marriage used to include: making
our own home, having children and
having someone to take care of our
basic needs (food, protection and
sex). The rest was extra.
Today we want more We want
true love, the perfect friend, a
dynamic and caring human being, a
person with whom we can share all
our interests and hobbies, a stimulat-
ing and intellectual companion, a
confidant(e), a knockout, and the
perfect lover. Have you ever met
such a (super)ht.unan being? No, of
course not.
Undoubtedly
it is bet-
ter to
marry for
more than
food, sex and
children. But it
is hard to find
such . a well-
equipped person.
We are not per-
fect human beings,
and we should not
expect to find perfect
human beings. But
that is not to say that
we cannot find someone
who is perfect for us. How
do we find that person?
Here are a few guidelines.
First, get to know yourself better.
We marry later in life, yet it seems
that we do not take time to better
know ourselves. By examining what
is important to you in life and by
actually living it to the best of your
ability as a single person, you are
putting your real self forward. In so
doing, you will be able to narrow
your list of requirements. You will
move from perfect to perfect for you,
gain a truer sense of what you need
and want, allowing you to prioritize

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3/6
1998

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