Orthodox, marital problems certainly
are. But, "I think they are somehow
worked out short of divorce."
Rabbis' wives often know they're
entering a public life and potential
stress. Still, Weinreb notes, the role of
the rabbi's wife "is never really clear,"
and the pulpit often conflicts with the
rabbi's domestic responsibilities.
He believes divorce, in general, is
stigmatized in the Orthodox commu-
nity, but for a rabbi it is compounded.
"People wonder, 'Why is he
divorced?' In a career where you're
open for all kinds of criticism and
everyone feels free to examine your pert
sonal life, when you're divorced it leaves
you open for that much
more criticism.
"I think this is
true for all
streams, but espe-
cially for Ortho-
dox Jews. The
rabbi is kind of
a role model,
and part of
being a role
model is being a
father and a
hus-

band and being the head of a family,"
he says. 'A number of bachelor rabbis
that I know function fine, but usually
it's because [congregants think], 'Well,
we're going to be around for the wed-
ding any day.' A number of rabbis do
quite well starting their careers as bach-
elors, but the expectation is that he has-
n't found the right person yet, it's a
matter of time," says Weinreb.
Admittedly, the Jewish community
places a strong emphasis on marriage.
Is it even more so for rabbis?
When Dannel Schwartz, founding
rabbi of the Reform Temple Shir
Shalom in West Bloomfield, graduated
from Hebrew Union College, most of
his twentysomething classmates were
married. Today, more than 20 years
later, only one out of 10 of them is
with his first wife. He asserts, how-
ever, that those numbers cannot be
used to generalize about divorce in
the Reform movement as a whole.
"When I went to rabbinical
school, the marriage age was
lower," says Schwartz, who divorced
and later remarried. "When I was
ordained, I was performing people's
marriages who were
19, 20, 21 — and
late was 28. Now,
if I do a wed-
ding of some-
one who's
under 28, it's a
young person."
Yet
Schwartz is
unwilling to
blame the
pressures of
the rab-
binate —
which he
acknowl-
edges are a
reality —
for divorce
among rab-
bis.
"It's hard to
separate the
causes of divorce.
The pressures on

Rabbi Dr. Tzvi
Hersh Weinreb
believes divorce
is stigmatized in
the Orthodox
community, but
for a rabbi it is
compounded.

O

3/6
1998

86

rabbis are quite high, but is it any dif-
says. "Being married and having a
o <
ferent than the pressures on another
family to come home to can be a very
occupation that's in the public eye?
stf
li a eb :ilizing influence in the rabbi's
I'm not sure."
Rabbi Norman Roman, spiritual
That said, Roman is the first to
leader of Temple Kol Ami in West
admit that the pressures of being in
Bloomfield, remarried about five years
the spotlight translate to stress for the
ago, and his first wife, whom he con-
rabbi's family and other close relation-
siders a friend, is a member of his con- ships.
gregation.
"Sometimes, there's an idealistic
"I don't think that the pressures
expectation of the rabbi and his or her
come intentionally from the congrega-
spouse and their family," Roman says.
tion or from the community," says
Rabbi Jack Bloom of Fairfield,
Roman. "Certainly,
Conn., says there are
there is a pressure to
§ "superhuman" expec-
get married, not earlier
t tations on rabbis.
or later compared to
'Bloom, a full-time
anyone else, but a
Ocounselor and thera-
pressure to get married
pist whose specialty is
because Judaism is a
the rabbinate, was
pro-marriage institu-
ordained in the Con-
tion ... and so much of
servative movement
what we do and what
and is now a member
we teach and what we
of both the Reform
say and what we pray
movement's Central
for is geared to mar-
Conference of Ameri-
riage and family.
can Rabbis (CCAR)
"There's no doubt
and the Conservative
that, from our tradi-
movement's Rabbini-
tion's perspective, any
Dr. Jack Bloom is an ordained cal Assembly.
Jew is more complete
rabbi and counselor who spe-
"The crucial factor
and more fulfilled if
cializes in helping rabbis.
in being a rabbi has
that individual is in a
to do with being a
marriage relationship," he continued.
walking, talking, living symbol, so the
"That's the ultimate consecration of
expectation that's built up as a result
existence. That's why we call marriage
of that is that the rabbi is really a spe-
kiddushin (holy)."
cial person —more caring, more lov-
Of course, the rabbi, as role model,
ing, more giving, more sacrificing,
leader and teacher, is supposed to rep-
more understanding," Bloom says.
resent "the ultimate Jewish expression,
"And though people will say, 'But the
which is being married," Roman adds.
rabbi is only human,' the ongoing
The rabbinate is an exhausting
expectation is that the rabbi is a spe-
career. On any given day, the rabbi
cial person — superhuman."
goes to the office, fields countless
Bloom knows. A pulpit rabbi for
phone calls — some of them angry —
10 years, he has spoken at national
and works on upcoming synagogue
conferences on the ups and downs of
programs. Of course, he is routinely
leading a congregation and what that
interrupted by lifecycle events, which
does to a rabbi's family.
sometimes coincide with family com-
In a report given to the CCAR, he
mitments.
compared a rabbi to a celebrity or
But it is 'also satisfying, uplifting
politician, concluding that unlike the
and full, say those who practice the
latter two, a rabbi is not cushioned
profession.
from the public and is held to a higher
While the rabbinate is "emotionally
moral standard.
draining," Roman says, it is also "very
Wives, on the other hand, face the
satisfying and gratifying," a lifestyle as
same kinds of pressures as politicians'
much as a profession.
or celebrities' spouses.
"It's very difficult to maintain an
"Rabbis' spouses complain, saying,
even keel psychologically when you're
`I'm not a rabbi, I only married one,
by yourself, when you're alone,
yet I'm treated differently. I'm subject
because there's so much of the emo-
to many of the same experiences that
tional bouncing ball, going through a
rabbis themselves complain about,'"
day when you might be at a bris and a
wrote Bloom.
funeral and visiting someone else in
"I maintain unequivocally that
the hospital, teaching bar mitzvah
every rabbi's wife has married both a
kids, counseling someone," Roman
man ... and a symbol. And marrying a

