symbol always has consequences,
because the symbolic expectation of
the rabbi that he be a special, caring,
loving man and that he will have a
model relationship with his wife and
family, makes the relationship in the
home, his relationship with his wife
and family, the proof of the pudding."
A local Orthodox rebbetzin, who
spoke on condition of anonymity, says
adamantly that a rabbi's family attracts
no more or less stress than any other
family.
"I think people choose to make
their life stressful, and you can do it
when you're a plumber, when you own
your own business, when you're a
rabbi, when you're a doctor. I don't
think it's true that rabbis have any
more or any less [stress]," she says.
Alicia Nelson is wife of Rabbi David
Nelson of the Conservative Congrega-
tion Beth Shalom in Oak Park. "Obvi-
ously, there are a lot of strains because
there are a lot of demands, but I really
think it's all about teamwork," Mrs.
Nelson says. "It's a question of saying, 'I
know you've got this, but I also respect
the fact that you're going to skip that
because we're doing [a family activity.]
Marriages between a rabbi and
Rabbi Dannel Schwartz is unwilling to blame the pressures of the rabbinate for divorce among rabbis.
spouse succeed mostly due to team-
work, she says.
remember from when I was single
divorce. Men and women "felt a kin-
A rabbi's wife has to be willing to
kind of thing, balancing public
and I was interviewing at congrega-
dred spirit," he recalls.
share, she points out. "You belong to
demands and private life," Mrs. Nel-
tions. Some only wanted their
But there were others who would
somebody who is owned by everybody son says.
rabbi to be married, feeling that
not
turn
to
Schwartz
for
help
if
their
"Rabbis
else, but I think
only a married rabbi would represent
marriage
was
on
the
rocks
"because
.s hare that with
if the couple is
i•
•
the stability and the maturity to
they
didn't
want
a
divorce,"
he
says.
poirticians
—
not pulling
be able to lead the congregation
Although Schwartz has noticed
there's no pub-
together, then
properly.
more incidents of divorce among his
lic and private
you can be
"There are some congregations that
Reform colleagues than Conservative
persona. A
destroyed by the
only
wanted to interview single rabbis
judge, a doctor and Orthodox counterparts, he says
public
because
there were lots of single
it has nothing to do with denomina-
may have
demands."
women
in
the congregation," he
tion.
demands on
A rabbi's wife
chuckles.
"The
pervasiveness
is
not
because
their
time,
but
also must have a
When Schwartz interviewed rabbis
of permissiveness. There are times that
they're allowed
strong sense of
for a post at Temple Shir Shalom,
people grow apart. I'm not sure what
to step out of
self, she adds.
divorce was not a consideration. "It
causes it, what doesn't cause it. I have
that role when
"Without
wouldn't color my interviews with a
seen divorce in Orthodox families ...
they're not on
being critical of
[that's] the reason for a get, that the get rabbi," he says. As for how congre-
call [or] out of
wives where it
gants would feel, "it depends on the
is
written into the Jewish marriage
the office.
hasn't worked, I
congregation."
contract.
Divorce
in
Jewish
life
has
With a rabbi's
think it helps
The 10 years Jack Bloom spent as a
always
been
there."
family,
there's
when you have a
pulpit rabbi contained "more impor-
Norman Roman admits that there
no down time
strong sense of,
tant work ... than I will do the rest of
can be "an idealistic expectation" that
... you have to
`This is me, and
my career. Unquestionably, I have no
the rabbi's marriage and family life will
work constant-
this is what I'm
doubt about it I've touched more
be entirely smooth sailing. But going
ly at creating
doing,' so while
lives, I affected more people, I made
through divorce, dating and remarriage
your own
your husband is
more Jews and I was a much more
—
all
while
working
as
a
rabbi
—
have
space."
off doing his
effective kind of person.
helped
him
to
be
a
better
counselor
After Rabbi
own thing, there
Rabbi Alon Tolwin:
"What got to me was the isolation.
when
congregants
and
community
Schwartz
Learning from past mistakes.
is something that
And
I, in terms of my own life, could-
members
seek
his
guidance.
divorced
his
I can do alone.
n't live that way," he wrote. "That
"I know that there are congrega-
first wife, he
But the key is
became the straw that broke my rab-
tions, not locally, that have said,
found that people would seek out his
teamwork.
binic back." El
`We don't want a divorced rabbi.' I
"Politicians would have the same
counsel if they were contemplating

,

3/6
1998

87

