being done by Jewish community cen-
ters and Jewish Family Services."
The Birmingham Temple's pro-
gram, the only synagogue-based inter-
faith outreach in the city, attracted a
group of 20. As a Humanistic congre-
gation, its emphasis is on Jewish cul-
ture and history, not theology, so it
offers intermarrieds a place to cele-
brate Jewish heritage without a reli-
gious bent. It is also a place where the
non-Jewish spouse of an intermarried
couple can participate in Judaism
from a cultural perspective without
pressure to let go of religious beliefs.
While most Detroit Reform tem-
ples are more than welcoming of
mixed-marriage families, almost none
offers a support group or workshop
like the one at the Birmingham
Temple.
"We seek to incorporate interfaith
families in everything we do," explains
Rabbi Joseph P. Klein of Temple
Emanu-El in Oak Park. "We assume
our family members identify primarily
as Jews."
Rabbi Joshua Bennett says that
Temple Israel participates in the com-
munity effort called Stepping Stones
and doesn't see any reason to duplicate
the program.
There's another perspective. "We're
taught not to remind converts that
they are converts," he says. "Although
its not a direct parallel, I see interfaith
couples in that way."
Outreach to Jewish-gentile couples
is sparse in the non-Jewish communi-
ty, too.
Father Jack Baker of St. Mary's
Catholic Church in Wayne says such
programs are "very limited" on the
Christian end. "Interfaith marriage is
far more of a concern for smaller
[Christian denominations] and syna-
gogues."
Reverend Suzanne Paul of the
Unitarian Universalist Church in
Farmington, which has a similar per-
spective to the Birmingham Temple,
believes that more traditional
Christian and Jewish venues "are not
particularly welcoming of interfaith
couples, so they don't want to encour-
age [intermarriage] by offering a pro-
gram."
Rabbi Bennett disagrees. "I think
that's short-sighted. None of us is shy-
ing away from interfaith couples. If we
were, we wouldn't perform those wed-
ding ceremonies in the first place."

My first session of the day deals with
family and community. We're sup-
posed to be discussing how our family

and friends support us in our inter-
faith relationships, but the conversa-
tion keeps coming back to raising
kids. Moderator Janis Levin-Gorelick -
assures us that we'll discuss children in
Rabbi Wine's group and turns the
subject to holidays.
One Jewish participant says his rea-
son for not hanging Christmas lights
outside his house was motivated by
fear of it being labeled a Christian
home. A Christian participant says he
never realized that Jews assume lights
and trees have a religious meaning.
Janis says it would be helpful to learn
the significance of the holidays if we
plan to celebrate them in our home.
"First, decide what you believe
before worrying about what you're
passing or not passing on to your
kids," she says. Back to the children
issue.
According to Wine, intermarried
couples have four options when it
comes to raising children.
* One of the partners converts.
* Parents do nothing, saying reli-
gion is not important to them.
* Parents expose children to both
religions and let them decide. Wine
says "that's like teaching a comparative
religion course to a 5-year-old."
* The child has a primary and a
secondary identity. The primary iden-
tity provides religious education, life-
cycle celebrations and an answer to
the question, "What are you?" The
secondary identity exposes the child to
information, customs and holidays of
another faith.
Wine urges mixed couples to tell
their parents about religious decisions
together; if future grandparents hear
upsetting news from a unified front,
they may be less likely to challenge the
decision.
-
Unfortunately for me, he makes an
excellent point. Dave and I agreed to
raise our kids Jewish while still expos-
ing them to Presbyterianism. Still, I'm
not looking forward to telling my in-
laws. My parents would be devastated
if their grandchildren weren't Jewish.
Don't Dave's parents have the right to
feel the same way?

desecrates the body. We may have
agreed to spend the rest of our lives
together, but we)never talked about
eternity.
My last session of the day is with
counselor and social worker Judith
Schneider. The subject is personal
identity and family relationships.
What part of our religion/culture
do we want to hold onto? People list
family closeness, non-religious holiday
celebrations and education. The cul-
tural aspects seem to play a more sig-
nificant role than the religious ones —
which may be a good thing, as
Schneider points out: "Cultural differ-
ences can be worked out more easily
than conflicting values or goals."

Are people benefiting from these pro-

grams? According to Mayer, a great
majority of couples don't even know
they exist.
"Those who participate are a highly
select group," he says. "But those who
do, react favorably."
Dave and I were both struck by
what Rabbi Wine said about sharing
our child-rearing decision with Dave's
parents. (Which could be a moot
point if they read this article.)
Dave also began to grasp the
minority mentality of some Jews. He
gained insight into why it is easier for
Christians to feel comfortable with
Jewish symbols than the other way
around. By doing so, he gained some
insight into me, too.
And that beats a morning of watch-
ing cartoons any day. 0

During lunch, one of the members of
the Temple's interfaith couples group
tells me about a discussion they had
about burial rites. An uplifting topic it
is not. But considering that most
cemeteries are denominational, it's yet
another issue for intermarried couples.
I remember Dave telling me he
wanted to be cremated. I told him
Judaism opposes cremation because it

2/20
1998

83

