/- COMMUNITY VIEWS

We Are Living
The Sandwich Generation

penalized for it forever? We have no
s a social worker by training
intention of abandoning our roles as
and temperament, I have
nurturer or wife, mother, loving daugh-
learned many important
ter, tax paying citizen, homemaker,
lessons. Social service profes-
breadwinner."
All members of the fam-
sionals, like me, have had much experi-
ily
are
affected
in one way or another by
ence dealing with problems.
the
added
preoccupation
of the primary
After all, solving problems is what we
care
givers
with
day-to-day
crisis man-
\_ , have been trained to do and how we
agement
of
family
members
who are
/-- make our living. We are
not part of the nuclear fami-
exceptionally good at it too, as
ly, such as aging parents who
long as the problems are
become ill. For single parent
someone else's and not our
families and only children,
own. Because we understand
these
pressures may be even
the dynamics and have
greater.
The effects can be
enabled so many clients to
short
term
or ongoing.
successfully handle their issues,
For
example,
if the illness
we tend to think that we are
of
a
parent
is
long
term, there
\--)
..— immune from experiencing
may
be
insufficient
resources
the same difficulties with simi-
to
provide
respite
for
care
ALAN
lar problems as our clients do.
givers
who
may
become
emo-
GOODMAN
The absurdity of this logic
tionally
and
physically
Special
to
became especially evident to
The Jewish News exhausted. As a result, they
me over the past few months.
may be unable to maintain
We have heard and read
their normal roles and obliga-
about" the pressures and stress-
tions
towards
others in their families.
es experienced by the "Sandwich
They
are
unable
to follow the advice of
Generation" — people caring for chil-
Marilyn
Ruman
who
suggests that
, dren and parents simultaneously. This
"when
your
schedule
leaves
you brain-
topic tends to be one that most of us
drained
and
stressed
to
exhaustion,
it's
can relate to as our children grow up
time
to
give
up
something.
Delegate,
and our parents age or simply because
Say no. Be brutal!" What can be given
of the experiences we have shared with
up? Very often there is no personal
friends, relatives or neighbors. In our
time left and no one to delegate to.
society, this tends to be more of an issue
Saying
no, setting limits and reducing
for women than men. Liz Carpenter, an
the
expectations
of others is an excellent
American writer and feminist wrote:
idea.
Unfortunately,
this will inevitably
"We mothered this nation. Are we to be
impact others in the family whose needs
are increased because of the stress.
Alan Goodman is executive director of
There are, no doubt, already things
Jewish Family Service.

A

PUBLISHER'S
NOTEBOOK

Conservatives
Miss Conversion
Opportunities
Here

j ARTHUR M. HORWITZ
Publisher

The spotlight contin-
ues to shine on Israel
as its religious and
political leaders seek
ways to accommodate
Conservative and

Reform rabbis in their desire to per-
form conversions there and, by associ-
ation, close a rift between Israel and
American Jews.
The recent recommen-
dations of the Ne'eman
Committee, calling for
the establishment of a
joint conversion institute
to be run by the three
major streams of
Judaism, and the estab-
lishment by the Chief
Rabbinate of special
courts to perform the
actual conversions, were
the result of a painstaking seven-
month process and intensive lobbying.
Significant time, energy and
resources were invested by Detroit area
Conservative rabbis and lay leaders on
this issue. Including impassioned pul-
pit speeches and financial support for
Masorti, the Conservative movement's

you may really want to be able to do
and cannot, such as taking your child to
a movie on a Sunday afternoon, having
quality time with your spouse or even
enjoying an hour alone to re-charge
your batteries.
The unfortunate
reality is that during
these times of family
crisis, our children
may feel neglected
and unloved. As
their parents we are
just not as available
as we may have been
in the past to partici-
pate in their school-
ing, homework and
after-school activi-
ties. They become
experts at microwave
settings and watch
much more televi-
sion than we, their
parents, or even they
really want to.
Communication
between spouses
become more like
business meetings or labor negotiations,
more often conducted on the phone
than in person. Trying to remember
who is picking up who, when and
where would make anyone's head spin.
Intimacy becomes harder and harder to
find time and privacy for.
To make matters worse, this is only
half the story. It is the emotional com-
ponent of this whirlwind experience
that is the most devastating. We worry

about the parent who is ill and may or
may not be able to regain his or her
independence. Going over the countless
possibilities in one's mind of what could
happen, we remember a worried glance
or note of caution in the voice of the
physician — what
did that mean?
Do we know
all the facts?
Dealing with the
concerned phone
calls back and
forth to anxious
relatives out of
town, we repeat
again and again
the answers to the
same questions.
Where does it all
end? It feels like
there is no respite
from the emotion-
al stress which
these situations
bring on.
I have lived the
"sandwich experi-
ence," most
recently during the past two months,
and can relate personally to what some
families go through. My father-in-law
unexpectedly needed to undergo an
emergency double bypass surgery.
Although he is in his late seventies, we
anticipated that everything would be
just fine, especially because he was phys-
ically active and showed no significant

arm in Israel, local Conservative rabbis
and leaders were not going to sit on
their hands.
Yet when it comes to performing
conversions in Detroit
— where their right to
do so is unquestioned
— they have been sit-
ting on their hands and
wallets for years.
Since 1972, when
Rabbi Max Weine was
persuaded by
Conservative rabbis to
teach a course for those
considering conversion,
the 16-session program has been the
backbone of the movement's local
efforts. A sponsoring rabbi would send
his candidate to Rabbi Weine.
Following completion of the program,
the sponsoring rabbi would work with
the candidate to complete the conver-
sion process.

Upon Rabbi Weine's death in 1985,
Rabbi David Nelson of Congregation
Beth Shalom and his wife, Alicia,
assumed responsibility for what
became known as the Rabbi Max
Weine Institute for Judaism.
While the intermarriage rate has
grown dramatically over the past 25
years, Rabbi Nelson acknowledges that
the institute hasn't changed much. He
said it still serves, on average, 18-20
"units" per year, representing at least
75 percent of those considering con-
version via the local Conservative
movement.
With virtually no financial support,
students need to bring their check-
books if they want to consider becom-
ing Jewish. It currently costs $200 for
a couple to take the course. Much of
the fee goes toward books and other
study materials, with the Nelsons

Eight een to
20 " units"
per year.

,

LIVING on page 30

OPPORTUNITIES on page 30