Eye View

DAVID KUSHNER
Special to The Jewish News

inner/songwriter Peter
Himmelman wrote a song
called "Love is a Fight," but he
only got it half right. Fighting
implies a schoolyard free-for-all.
Love is more of a war, a momen- -
tous battle for a common desire: to be
the one who is right. Always right!
Never wrong!
Of course, these wars are fought
not with chain mail, nuclear warheads
or photon torpedoes; they're fought
with words. And nothing beats a good
argument.

S

David Kushner writes for publications
including Spin, Mademoiselle and
Entertainment Weekly.

1/23
1998

110

Men and women seem to have
some fundamental differences in the
ways they argue. If men are from
Mars and women are from Venus,
then men are Spocks and women are,
for the sake of an argument about
arguments, Kirks. The stereotypes
have kernels of truth.
Men get highly logical. They pre-
sent the reason they are right and
then systematically deconstruct the
woman's point of view, peeling it
away layer by layer, like a steamed
artichoke, until they get to the heart
(which they soak in butter, then
devour).
Of course, most men think it's the
women who tend to get more-emo-
tional, more Kirk-like; there is no rea-
son for reason, there are only raw feel-
ings. Men are pig-headed, block-head-

Deconstructing arguments,
in typical guy fashion.

ed Spocks who can't get in touch with
their feelings and, therefore, shield
themselves in a cloud of words.
Women, able to tune in with their
inner children, articulate the primal
scream loudly enough to make -any
guy understand.
Although their techniques may
differ, men and women do share the
basic moves of arguing: the
Touchdown, the Storm-Out and the
Dragon Breath.
The Touchdown — two hands
straight up over the head — is used
to signal total and complete exasper-
ation. The Storm-Out — marching
out of the room and, preferably,
slamming the door. And the all pow-
erful Dragon Breath — a long, low,
fiery sigh. Together, these gestures
form the breakdance of love.

Ultimately, the key to remember
is that you are always right. Of
course, since this applies to both
persons, problems can arise. Even
so, enjoy the arguing while it lasts.
Yell loud enough so as to best
entertain the neighbors (for added
impact, try stomping in the center of
the room, just where a chandelier
might hang). Try not to spit. And,
when moved to cause physical
destruction to a nearby inanimate
object, reach for the nearest salmon
mousse — it's sticky, dramatic, yet
easy to mop.
As long as no one gets hurt, the
more colorful the argument the bet-
ter. Don't be afraid to get blue in
the face. After all, the hotter the
argument, the better it is making
up. ❑