divorce; you hear rabbis speak about it
from pulpits.
Rabbi Aaron Bergman of Beth
Abraham Hillel Moses, for instance,
gave a Rosh Hashanah sermon a few
years ago on domestic violence.
"People were a little squirmy in the
beginning," Bergman says, "but I want-
ed them to think about it. I wanted
people to know they were not alone."
All the attention gives the appearance
of an epidemic in the Jewish communi-
ty. Experts don't seem to see numbers
increasing, but they do see an easing of
the stigma of coming forward.
Women represent 95 percent of
those suffering in abusive relationships.
Though physical abuse happens, Jews
seem to experience more verbal or emo-
tional abuse than in the secular popula-
tion. Another characteristic is that
Jewish women tend to stay in abusive
relationships up to seven years longer
than non-Jews, who often leave after
two to three years.
Experts attribute that hesitancy to
leave to shame, to a reluctance to give
up the trappings of a wealthy lifestyle
and to a sense of failure to maintain the
image of a good Jewish home.
"Shalom bayit, peace in the home, is
part of tradition," JFS's Yashinsky says.
"Our culture conditions a woman to
believe it's her job to create that peace.
Jewish women stay in a relationship
longer because they're not ready to
accept that they don't have that idealized
Jewish home."
Rachel, a local Orthodox woman
with four children, stayed with her emo-
tionally and verbally abusive husband
for 10 years, though she began seeking
help after 1 1/2 years.
"My expectation was to marry a tra-
ditional man who would be living up to
the goals the Torah expects in a relation-
ship. In my case, it wasn't true," she says.
"I thought the man was of a high
moral character, but he had two sides to
his personality. Sometimes he was very
loving and attentive, other times very
controlling and critical. He always had
to control everything — what I bought,
how money was spent, clothing pur-
chased. I couldn't speak directly to the
children's teachers without approval. I
was ridiculed and criticized if I spoke
my mind.
"I had a lot of confusion about how
much I could assert myself and how
much I should acquiesce to preserve
peace in my home," she says. "For many
years, I made excuses for his behavior
and worked very hard to accommodate
his needs. Still, everything was my
fault."
1/23
1998
104
Agencies
Will Help
* Jewish Family Service/Windows Program,
Southfield: group, family, individual counsel-
ing; kosher shelter; community outreach programs.
(248) 559-1500.
* HAVEN, Pontiac: counseling/treatment for vic-
tims and abusers, shelter, community outreach and
training programs. (248) 334-1274 (24-hour crisis
line).
* Shalom Task Force toll-free hotline (based in
New York City): confidential advice based on Jewish
law; geared toward Orthodox but open to all denomi-
nations; local referrals provided. (888) 883-2323.
* Women's Survival Center, Pontiac: help with per-
sonal protection orders. (248) 335-1520.
* Domestic Violence Project, Ann Arbor: shelter,
counseling, (313) 995-5444 (24-hour crisis line).
* Alternatives to Domestic Aggression (Catholic
Social Services), Ann Arbor: treatment program for
male batterers. (313) 971-9781.
Rachel sought help through JFS's
Windows program. She was divorced
one year ago. She says she had a lot of
support from the Orthodox communi-
ty, including rabbis who helped her
obtain a get. But she has some resent-
ment, too, because the community also
protected her ex-husband, sending the
message that his behavior was accept-
able.
Still, Orthodox women like Rachel
have been encouraged to seek help as
more of their rabbis become sensitized
to the issue. Some, like Rabbi Steven
Weil of Young Israel of Oak Park, have
begun post-marital counseling to check
up on couples three to six months after
marriage. Weil also was instrumental,
with congregant Janis Roszler, in offer-
ing a toll-free abuse hotline through the
Shalom Task Force in New York. The
hotline (1-888-883-2323) is geared
toward observant victims, but open to
all. Advice is grounded in Jewish law.
"Orthodox women need that
grounding or they think they're doing
something wrong," says Hannah, a hot-
line volunteer. "Their options are limit-
ed; they have large families and kids
who need a father. Their No. 1 concern
is the shanda issue because they're afraid
the stigma will hurt their children's
chances of making good marriages."
Abuse crosses all Jewish denomina-
tions and economic levels equally, but
currently the Orthodox seem to be
stressing rabbinical training and aware-
ness. At a Rabbinical Council of
America convention in 1996, for exam-
ple, more than 850 rabbis attended
seminars on domestic violence.
"The incidence among the Orthodox
is not higher, but we're under the
impression that if people are really dedi-
cated to the principles of Judaism —
beyond rituals, to respect for their
spouse, decency to others — there
wouldn't be so many cases because any-
thing is too much," says Rabbi
Abraham Twerski, an expert on parent-
ing, drug and alcohol treatment and an
Orthodox rabbi in Pennsylvania who
wrote The Shame Borne in Silence:
Spouse Abuse in the Jewish Community.
"The Talmud states the proper atti-
tude of a husband toward his wife is
that 'He loves her as much as himself
and honors her more than he honors
himself' (Yevamos 62B)," Twerski writes
in his book. "A person who is truly
Torah observant adheres to all talmudic
requirements. Clearly, a person who
loves his wife as himself and respects her
even more than he does himself is very
unlikely to be an abuser."
Preceding the Orthodox effort are
prevention/intervention programs estab-
lished in Los Angeles, Chicago and
Philadelphia through coalitions that
include Jewish federations, the National
Council of Jewish Women, Jewish
Women International and others.
In Detroit, NCJW and Jewish
Family Service have teamed to provide
Safe Place, a two-bedroom kosher apartcf
ment where a family can seek shelter for
up to 90 days. NCJW members also are
working with the Oakland County
courts to help women with paperwork
for personal protection orders.
Most programs are aimed at helping
women and children. Women are the
abusers in only 5 percent of cases.
Treatment programs exist for men,
including several in the tri-county area,
but seem to be 85 percent ineffective,
says JFS's Yashinsky. When women seek
help, they are open to change; men are
hard to move out of denial. Often they
remarry and abuse again. No Jewish
male abusers could be found for this
story.
Experts expect to see more efforts
aimed at domestic violence. With that
attention come hopes that domestic vio-'
lence can become as unacceptable in
society as drunk driving.
"Years ago," says Janis Roszler of
Young Israel of Oak Park, "alcoholism
was an acceptable behavior in American
culture. Now it's become so abhorrent
in our society that people are turning
against it. The statistics, especially about
drinking while driving, have dropped. Ifs
we make it socially unacceptable for one –\
spouse to abuse another, we will see a
major drop in it, too."
For Jews, there's another compelling
reason to address domestic violence.
"Domestic violence is a threat to
Jewish survival," says Rabbi Claire M.
Green, coordinator of the Coalition
Against Jewish Domestic Violence of
the Delaware Valley in the metropolitan
Philadelphia area and chairwoman of
Shomerit Shalom Bayit, a telephone
counseling service. "Destructive, dys-
functional families can't transmit Jewish
traditions and values.
"We don't have any families to spare.
This is threatening our continuity and
survival is one thing every Jew can agree
upon ... It's up to leaders of all denomi-
nations and every segment of the Jewish
community to say this is important and
get at it."
❑
Violence Facts
* Approximately 95 percent of
victims are women.
* The FBI estimates a woman
is battered every 15 seconds in
this country.
* Battering is the single major
cause of injury to women.
* Violence will occur at least
once in two-thirds of all mar-
riages.