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DAVID KUSHNER

Special to The Jewish News

S

he's carrying a clipboard. He's
standing next to her, looking
rather confused. They're sur-
rounded by flatware. She
holds up a fork and twists it slowly,
reflecting the blinding, incandescent
mega-mall light.
"I don't know if I like this," she
says, then falls silent, waiting for the
desired response she knows will never
come.
He shrugs. "It's just a fork."
"It's not just a fork!" she snaps,
shaking the utensil in his face. "It's our
future!"
In shopping centers across the
country, every weekend afternoon, the
same scene plays out over and over
again: a young couple; several months
away from their wedding, registering
for gifts. Really, on some kind of
objective level, the whole notion is
bizarre — people signing up for the
presents they want. It seems so
uniquely American, consumers telling
other consumers what they want to
consume.
Of course, what inevitably happens
is that all the insecurities and tensions
that have been building up around the
big event leak out during the registra-
tion circus. For the first time, the
young couple is faced with making a
myriad of lifelong decisions, each car-
rying the weight of mortality. After all,
these parfait glasses are going to last
for decades. We'll be using them when
we're 93, she says. This duvet cover
will be tucked under our grandchil-

David Kushner writes for publications
including Spin, Mademoiselle and
Entertainment Weekly.

Registration Blues

From a guy's perspective,
it's clear that a fork
or table setting
really represents the rest
of your life together.

dren! This placemat will be set during
our kid's graduation party! This ice
bucket will chill our golden wedding
anniversary champagne! That's it.
We're committed. Forever. Until death
do we part:
When I went through the ritual, I
quickly realized that, as many guys
had told me before, the best thing to
do was to simply nod and say, "That's
fine." Unless, I really, really, really had
a problem with, say, the tablecloth
pattern or something, I was better off
just doing the compliant chicken:
nod, that's fine, nod. It's not that we
didn't care about our cutlery a.k.a. our
future, it was precisely because we
cared so much that we wanted to

cooperate, to make the registration
experience pleasant, swift and'effi-
cient.
As we made our way around
Macy's, I saw that I wasn't alone.
Dozens of tired-looking guys were
nodding and trailing after their girl-
friends — strike that — fiancees, car-
rying clipboards. It was highly
Freudian, actually. Guys spent hun-
dreds of weekends trailing in malls
after our mothers, who were selecting
all sorts of really embarrassing cor-
duroys for us to try on. I guess every-
thing comes full circle.
Still, seeing all these other guys in
the same situation gave me a genuine
sense of camaraderie, of not being

alone. For guys, the whole engage-
ment experience is an arduous trial.
After all, the pressure is usually on us
to get the whole thing going. If we
don't get down on one knee and pro-
pose, then nothing's going to happen
(at least until more women start pop-
ping the question). While we're dat-
ing, everyone wants to know when
we're going to propose. Then, when
we finally get up the courage to pro-
pose, everyone wants to know about
the wedding.
As a result, from the moment we
slip on the engagement ring, we're
building up to the nuptial affairs. The
pressure is on: Where will the wedding
be? Who's the rabbi? How much is the
band? What are the appetizers? And so
on. So, after a year of all these ques-
tions, from every relative and friend
(not to mention prospective in-laws),
guys are basically wiped out by the time
the gift registration comes around.
We're so exhausted, we can hardly walk.
And if we can't make it down Macy's
aisles, how are we going to be ready for
the big one?
Maybe then, the best way to deal 4
with registration is to do it right
after we get engaged. Don't wait a
year. Just hop in the car and floor it
to Bloomies. Run around the aisles
like a frenetic winner on Wheel of
Fortune and cash in! Take it all to
the bank. And if that's not enough,
there's the whole guilt factor. These
are free gifts, so what are we corn-
plaining about, right? Children are
starving across the world, and we're
all kvetching about which are the
best coffee makers.
Instead, the best thing to do is
enjoy the moment, appreciate the
opportunity and try not to break any-
thing in the crystal department. ❑

tiOSNIINSION-„.

12/12
1997

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