The Rabbinic Scene

Learning how to stay in love, om Grandma Irene.

JOSH BENNETT
Special to The Jewish News

M

y grandmother, of
blessed memory, knew a
lot about love.

point them in the correct direction. I
share with these couples my grand-
mother's suggestions.

Grandma Irene's advice for staying in
love.

In many ways, she was my mentor,
and in areas of love, my consultant.
Even when I was yery young,
Grandma Irene concerned herself with
my love life. She sent me to school
with "smiley face" cookies to give as a
gift to that special someone. And as I
grew older, I remember her finger,
crooked with arthritis, waving at me
with the question: "Is she The One?"
Almost 15 years ago, Grandma
Irene and Grandpa Harold celebrated
their 50th wedding anniversary with a
family party at their Florida home. We
danced, sang and toasted their endur-
ing relationship. In an age when more
than 50 percent of all marriages end
in divorce, they had beaten the odds.
They were extraordinary; still enjoyed
living life together. And after 50 years,
they were still in love.
At the end of the party, Grandma
Irene stood up to thank her hosts. But
before she was through, Grandma
Irene had to impart some advice. For
all of us who were in love — or who
were contemplating falling in love in
the future — keep a few things in
mind, she said. And she gave us a list
of six ways to stay in love with the
person you marry.
As a rabbi, I have the unique
opportunity to meet with engaged
couples to talk about the ceremony
and their relationship. While a rabbi is
not a therapist, there is an expectation
that these few brief meetings can set
the tone for a long life together, full of
good karma.
When a couple stands under the
chuppah and commits their lives to
one another, they forge a partnership
in the creation of a Jewish home.
Together they will develop values and
traditions to be passed on to future
generations.
As I meet with each couple, I
attempt to focus them on this task, to

1. Celebrate Shabbat.
What she meant: Judaism and
Jewish celebration were very impor-
tant to Grandma Irene. Not a single
Shabbat went by without our family
gathering to welcome the light of
Jewish tradition into our home.
Holidays were celebrated with inspira-
tion from our family matriarch and
patriarch. Those moments helped us
define our individual Jewish identities
as well as the Jewishness of our
relationships with friends and
spouses.

Josh Bennett is a Reform rabbi at
Temple Israel in West Bloomfield.

3. Take on a personal hobby.
What she meant: Grandma Irene

loved to make crafts. Her specialty was
beaded fruit bowls made from
Styrofoam molds which she beaded
into realistic-looking fruit shapes. This
was my grandmother's "time-out" — a
chance to be alone.

A modern interpretation: Even the
most loving partners need time away
from each other. Finding a personal
hobby may lead you to the space you
need to rediscover the love you share
with a spouse. A hobby is not "run-
ning away" from love — it is a tempo-
rary break to regain the energy needed
for developing love and affection.
"Absence makes the heart grow
stronger," or something like that.

A modern interpretation:
Every religious celebration ties a
couple to their common her-
itage. These observances create
unique traditions to be handed
down among the generations.
Shabbat is just one of many
Jewish traditions which can
enhance a relationship. These
celebrations enable partners to
share precious time together.
Couples may create sacred
space, makom kadosh.

2. Find a spouse who likes to
play cards.
What she meant. My grand-
parents loved to play cards. It
was their time together — to
argue, to shmooze and to laugh.
They could never get enough of
those three things in their lov-
ing relationship.

pist, a rabbi — these "outside" view-
points often help us to gain perspec-
tive on what is going on "inside" the
relationship. Finding someone with
whom you can share your intimacies
may enable you to share more with
your partner.

5. Don't talk about politics.
What she meant: My grandmother
never told anyone who she was going
to vote for in an upcoming election.
"It is none of your business," she told
us when we posed the question. And
she never talked politics with Grandpa
Harold — I guess she knew better.

A modern interpretation: Some
things are better left unsaid. The
closer two people grow to one
another, the easier it is to acci-
dentally press the buttons which
set off anger and resentment. In
a healthy relationship, partners
strive to avoid those difficult
areas — and yet, look for
opportunities to be tactfully
open about concerns and dis-
agreements. Remember, honesty
is the best policy — even when
you have to be delicate in the
honest approach.

6. Buy a comfortable bed.
What she meant: Grandma
Irene really understood the
value of romance. Enough said!

Josh Bennett

A modern interpretation: Shared
interests are the basis of healthy rela-
tionships. Couples who can relax
together share more than just a com-
mon interest. Clearly, as our hobbies
become shared, the potential to spend
time together increases. The more
time together, the more shared inter-
ests, and so on.

4. Always have two best friends.
What she meant: I know that
Grandpa Harold was my grandmoth-
er's best friend. They told people this
everywhere they went together. But
she would always remind the family
that she had another best friend — a
childhood neighbor with whom she
spoke nearly every day on the phone.

A modern interpretation: We all
need to vent to someone other than
our spouse. Perhaps a friend, a thera-

A modern interpretation:
Jewish tradition values the
romance inherent in any good
relationship. As couples grow
closer, they focus on all aspects
of a loving partnership, includ-
ing intimate times.

With more than 50 years of experi-
ence in the business of marriage, my
grandmother must have known what
she was talking about. Of course,
there are no guarantees — but I
believe she was on to something spe-
cial. From time to time I think about
my grandparents and wonder what
else I can learn from their love. As
Grandma Irene would always say,
"Love really does make the world go
round!"

❑

12/5
1997

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