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A relationship with no future can be
the best thing to happen to you.

for a short while, but don't give him
ost of us rush into rela-
keys to your apartment. There's noth-
tionships, head first,
ing wrong with a little midnight
ready to give too much
.
motorcycle
ride. My colleague Lisa
— and tell too much.
seems
to
be
having the time of her life
Unfortunately, most males find "I'm
with
a
foreign
cab driver she met on a
too busy; I'm not all that interested"
ride
back
from
the airport. She's gig-
more of a turn-on. Playing hard-to-get
gling
and
glowing,
and she argues this
is a game, but sometimes being hard-
will make it easier for her to eventually
to-get is a self-protective measure that
meet Mr. Better Prospect.
can save you from getting
When you're not the only
hurt.
gleam
in his eye: Even if he's
The benefits of keeping a
about
to
get legally separated
man at arm's length are many,
from
his
wife, "in the
but here are some of the most
process
of
ending it" with
common situations that call
his
girlfriend
of two years or
for restraint.
"about
to
move
out" on his
When you're, ugh,
live-in
love,
,these
things take
between men: The third date
time.
(My
friend
Sharon
was
with someone new doesn't
shocked
that,
based
on
legal
call for eight-page love letters,
SUSAN
advice concerning child cus-
soul-spillings or weekend
SHAPIRO
tody, her beau Brian lived in
jaunts to Bermuda. Now's the
Special to
the same house with his
time to clear your head and
The Jewish News estranged wife for two years.)
figure out what went wrong
Any other lover he talks
with your last love and how
about
in
the
present tense is going to
to avoid making the same mistake.
present
a
problem.
Men who are still
Meeting new men is great for self-
entangled
with
another
woman aren't
esteem and social life, but keep it light
really
that
available.
and casual. You shouldn't jump into
When chaos is an aphrodisiac:
his head or under his covers until
Sure, bankruptcy, death in the family
you're sure you're with the right person
or losing your apartment are stressful
for the right reasons.
to go through alone. But in a state of
When he's "fun," not "forever":
flux,
desperation or need, make sure
He's 12 years younger than you, drinks
you're
not just roping in the first male
too much, has "Love Mom" tattooed
bystander.
Dinner and twice-a-week
on his thigh and won't tell you what he
movie
dates
are sweet, but don't move
does for a living. He might be exciting
in with him because you can't afford
Susan Shapiro, a Bloomfield Hills
rent or get attached to him to replace
native, is a New York City-based free-
your recently deceased dad. You'll
lance writer and the author of Internal
appear so much more attractive when
Medicine (IM Press).
you're stronger, and it's better to start

the power balance on an equal level.
When you've just waded into new
waters: You moved to a new city. Do
you really think it's brilliant to begin
an affair with your handsome neigh-
bor? (My friend Anne did just that,
and two weeks after it didn't work out
found herself paranoid, afraid to take
out the garbage.) You got a promotion
at work? Don't sabotage your success
by starting a serious flirtation with
your boss.
When you hate your job: If you
need to latch on to a new guy, pick
someone who wants to play. Save your
serious endeavors for something pro-
ductive like writing a new resume or
networking. Men come and go, but a
great career lasts forever. And when
you're settled into your professional
life, your personal life will settle down,
too.
When "alone" is a four-letter word:
Have you ever spent a year without a
heavy relationship? It's not so bad cul-
tivating new friends, taking courses
and breaking through your fears by
yourself.
When you want to "stretch" and
grow: Sometimes it's healthy to date
outside your "type." Break the mold
— instead of four-course meals with
three-piece suits, experience the
"downtown" life of a cultured, academ-
ic beau. It may not be a world you
want to live in, but it's an exhilarating
place to visit.
How Not To Get In TOO Deep
* Hold off having sex for as long as
possible. There's nothing wrong with
dating a manor six months or a year
without sleeping with him. If he does-

n't like it, it's his problem.
* Double date and go out in public,
but don't hang out at each other's
houses alone at night. Likewise, don't
wind up in guest bedrooms or hotel
rooms if you're not sure you want to
make use of them.
* If you're already sleeping with
him, stick to weekend nights. Insist on
no weekday sleepovers.
* When you feel desperate to call
him, call a girlfriend instead, preferably
one who's been instructed to say: "Let
him call you." You're under no obliga-
tion to return his every message. (If
you do, you're letting him set the
rules.)
* Don't introduce him to your
friends, family or colleagues. Your life
doesn't have to be an open book the
first month he knows you. And don't
close the dating door until you're posi-
tive about him.
* Don't make any big purchases
together. These things could wind up
being weapons in a never-ending
breakup battle. Keep the borrowing of
T-shirts, records and rollerblades to a
minimum.
* Cutesy cards and love letters break
down your emotional guard. Wait on
gifts that could create unrealistic
expectations if given too soon.
* Make separate holiday plans —
especially sentimental ones like New
Year's and your birthday. Don't start
associating him with everything
important in your life until he
deserves it.
* Don't move in — even if you say
it's "temporary" — until you're both
talking seriously about marriage. El

Sunday, Dec. 7

Michigan Jewish Singles Network.
Dinner and a show at Second City
Theatre. Cost: $28, members; $33,
non-members; $14 show-only. Call
Sue Ellen, (248) 851-1100, Ext.
3157.

Coffee night, Jewish Professional
Singles. 7:30 p.m. At Muddee
Waters. (248) 398-9370.

Lunch and DIA film, Jewish
Professional Singles. Meet at noon,
Little Daddy's, Northwestern
Highway. Call Steve, (248) 356-
7326.

Tuesday, Dec. 9

Information meeting for singles Cancun
trip. 7 p.m. At the JCC-

Maple/Drake. Call Sharon, (248)
661-7721.

Wednesday, Dec. 10

Young adult lunch with Rabbi Harold
S. Loss, 12:30-1:30 p.m., Big Daddy's
Parthenon, West Bloomfield. Cost:
$12. Call (248) 661-5700.

Second City Dinner in the Motor City,

Informational meeting, Israel trip, Jewish
Community Center Maple/Drake. 7
p.m. Hear from Shliacha Yael Waxman.
(248) 661-7721.

11/28
1997

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