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11/7
1997

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Like a good neighbor. State Farm is there.

IV

alking across the parking
lot at Candlestick —
not 3Com — Park, a
friend and I indulged
our baseball purism, denigrating the
designated-hitter rule and railing
against realignment.
Then it hit me in a flash. Someday
baseball will have three big leagues:
Orthodox, Conservative and Reform.
Here's how the majors will look.
The Orthodox League doesn't allow
the designated hitter, the Conservative
does. The Reform League uses the
DH and the designated runner. It's
also doing market research on the des-
ignated bunter.
The Orthodox League does not
believe in interleague play, except for
All-Star games and in October when
the league champions meet in the .
World Series as
ordained in the second
chapter of Leviticus ("You
could look it up," as the
esteemed Rabbi Stengel
often said.)
The Orthodox has eight
teams, and the team that comes
in first is champion. There is no
league championship series,
and there are playoffs only
when two teams tie for first.
(They meet in a best-of-
three series.)
The Conservative
League has 12 teams, two divisions,
and a league championship series. The
Reform has 15 teams, three divisions,
wild-card berths and playoffs.
All Orthodox teams are north of
the Potomac and Ohio rivers and no
farther west than St. Louis. Teams
travel only by train. Conservative
teams are scattered across the conti-
nental U.S. and travel by jet. Reform
teams are found on the U.S. main-
land, as well as in Hawaii, Canada,
Mexico, the Dominican Republic,

Randy Alfred is a Web site editor in
San Francisco. This column is reprinted
courtesy of Sports Illustrated, Sept. 15,
1997. Copyright (c) 1997, Time Inc.

Cuba, Japan and the European Union.
They often travel by supersonic trans-
port.
The Reform League plays all its
games at night or, as it prefers to say,
"in prime time." The Orthodox
League plays some night games, but
never at Chicago's Wrigley Field.
Night games are permissible Tuesday
through Friday (Monday is always a
travel day, except when it's a holiday)
and are never allowed on weekends or
on July 4.
The Orthodox schedule always
includes doubleheaders, partly from
piety and partly from the necessity of
working around all the travel days.
The Conservative schedule occasional-
ly includes doubleheaders and allows
for twin bills to make up rainouts,
snow-outs and fog outs. The Reform
League does not allow double headers,
or any other revenue reducing
schemes.
A Reform team's schedule consists
of 175 games between March and
October. The Conservative League
plays a 162-game schedule starting on
April Fool's Day. An Orthodox team
plays 154 games, 11 each at home and
away against each of the other seven

•v4:ANARVIVO.

teams, as revealed by the Prophet
Spalding. The Orthodox League,
needless to say, does not recognize
records from the other leagues.
The Orthodox does not allow arti-
ficial turf or indoor stadiums. The
Conservative allows artificial turf only
in indoor stadiums. The Reform does
not allow grass.
In the Orthodox League, umpires
always wear blue blazers, the home
team always wears white uniforms
with the team name, and the visiting
team always wears grey uniforms with
the city name. Teams are always