e vane

Settling Down Early

ROBIN SCHWARTZ-KREGER
Special to the Jewish News

S

tatistically, we hear all the
time about couples who
are waiting longer to have
kids. Headlines scream
every time medical history is made
by an "older" woman conceiving a
child.
But what about couples who
have babies early in life, say in
their mid-20s? What happens to
relationships with unmarried or
childless friends?
At 24, Suzanne Gendelman
became the first of her friends to
have a baby. After Josh was born,
she entered a new social scene,
leaving her "pre-baby friends" for a
whole different arena. She remem-
bers the differences: her concerns
included schedules and diapers
while their concerns were about
social life and meeting someone
special.
"My friends were busy going to
a bar and wondering if the guy
they met was going to call them —
I was busy breastfeeding," she says.
"Most of my friends were 33 or 34
when they had their first kid."
Now, Gendelman's social circle
is primarily made up of neighbors
who are slightly older than she and
her husband Michael, but whose kids
are about the same ages as Josh, 5, and
Jennifer, almost 3. The couples they
regularly socialize with are other par-
ents.
It's a similar story for Amy and Eric
Grosinger, 26 and 29, respectively.
Amy says she always wanted to get
married and have kids at a young age,
perhaps influenced by her mother,
who was done having kids at age 25.
"My husband is in the meat busi-
ness. I knew he would always be
working, so we said let's do family
early, then travel," explains Grosinger,
who had Ryan when she was 23 and
Samantha when she was 25.
Like Gendelman, Grosinger found
it ironic that while she was at home
with formula bottles, her friends were
out with beer bottles at the bar.
"[Some] friends didn't understand,
couldn't relate," she says. They will
ask, "Why can't you get a babysitter?"
"I want to be home — it's a privilege

10/24
1997

90

Young parents trade dates, cars and
beer for babysitters, strollers and
breast milk — with no regrets.

[to raise children], once in your life, I
want to enjoy it."
She says she was never envious of
the bar-hopping, dating life her
friends had. "At 23, my friends were at
the bar, I was home all the time. I was
never jealous of them, [I wanted to
say] how special it was."
Life changes entirely when a couple
has a baby. It's a cliche repeated like a
mantra: "Your life will never be the
same." And we've all heard that
favorite advice: "See all the movies you
can before the baby comes."
When Yael Weil had her first child
at age 21, seven years ago, she remem-
bers that it was like "playing house."

Then, she says, she was as "inexperi-
enced" as the next person but learned
as she went along.
Apparently, Weil and her husband
Steven, who is rabbi of Young Israel-
Oak Park, got the hang of it; they
now have five children ranging in age
from 5 months to 7 years. But she was
always intent on maintaining strong
relationships with friends who were
unmarried or childless. She tried to
maintain "a life together with friends
without the baby" — even as a young
mother who was also finishing under-
graduate and graduate studies.
Renee Phillips, who is expecting
her first child in a few months, knows

:El what it's like to be ahead of her
friends in the baby department.
"My friends were overwhelmed
when we got married," she says.
1 "But having a baby — to them it's
sort of an unknown thing. There
was an element of shock, but our
friends knew we were the kind of
•
couple to settle down and have
kids."
Huntington Woods resident
and former Jewish News staff writer
Jill Davidson Sklar was one of the
first of her friends to get married
and have a baby. She remembers
hesitating to tell some friends that
she was pregnant, as some were
undergoing infertility treatments •
and others were trying, unsuccess-
fully, to get pregnant.
"Most of my social circle has
always been people who wanted a
marriage, kids, a stable life," she
says. Even so, she and husband
Joel, a lawyer, admit that before
the birth of son Jonah they may
have snarled at a crying baby in a
nice restaurant while they were
dining. "Now, all of my friends
and I swap stories about the
restaurants with high chairs and
about the best babysitter," she says.
While many young mothers note
that childless and unmarried
friends often feel put off or left out by
child-saddled women who can't find
five minutes for a phone call, let alone
a free night for bar-hopping, they
wouldn't have it any other way.
"At Ryan's bar mitzvah, I'm only
going to be 36," says Grosinger.
"That's the coolest thing."
Gendelrnan enjoys parenthood now
but knows she will have plenty of
years to enjoy herself when her kids
are off in college and on their own.
The friends who waited until their 30s
to have kids, however, won't be able to
be as carefree until later in life.
Despite hearing from friends who
said Sklar should have waited before
settling down to family life with the
proverbial picket fence, Sklar is confi-
dent about her decision to start a fam-
ily early.
"I have fun in different ways," she
says. "Now, fun is taking my son to
the zoo and seeing his smile when he
sees the elephants — that's joy to
me." ❑