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Guy's Eye View

That new attitude at the car dealership
has an old ring to it.

MATT MOSSMAN
Special to The Jewish News

y

ou can hear exotic Latin
rhythms a block away,
booming out of a local radio
station's van broadcasting
from the site. A Cuban feast sizzles on
the grill —fried plantains, rice and
beans, and a fried, breaded, battered
thing which turned out, to my cha-
grin, to be some sort of pork.
Thank God I asked before eat-
ing.
Bewildered familie's wander
around under balloons and
streamers, lost looks on their
faces. A group of middle-aged
men in white golf shirts smoke
cigarettes under a canopy that
shields them from the stupefy-
ing heat of summer.
The sights, smells, and
tastes of an ethnic festival?
Guess again.
"Welcome to Midway
Ford," one of the golf-shirted
guys hollers as he bounds over
to me. "I'm Jose, and I'm glad
to help you today," he says,
and shakes my hand for about
19 minutes.
Welcome to the average car
dealership. If you close your
eyes, it might sound like a
Saturday night celebration.
Shopping for a car these days is a
lot like going to a bar mitzvah party.
There are balloons, streamers, music,
loads of food and a select few in the
back room counting the money. Since
car buyers have gotten wise to their
games, dealers now distract us with a
sideshow.
Of course, being called a "guest"
instead of a "customer" isn't going to
make me any more or less likely to
buy a car, but such are the shenani-
gans one must put up with when buy-
ing new wheels.
Car dealerships have evolved from a
few Model Ts in a tiny showroom to
vast, paved hinterlands with row upon
row of the same models in every imag-

Matt Mossman is a writer at the

Palm Beach Post.

inable color. But it seems that one
thing hasn't changed — the slick car
salesman you wouldn't consider fit to
feed to your dog.
These guys come in all shapes and
sizes. Young or old, fat or skinny,
showy or folksy. Pick one in each cate-
gory, add a bad tie and subtract the
scruples — you've got a car salesman.
Of course, they all sound the same.

Along with a loud introduction and
time-consuming handshake comes the
smile so painfully wide you can see
remnants of several meals. Then you
get his philosophy on selling cars,
which usually goes like this:
"Look, I know there's a lot of sales-
man out there who just want to make
money off you. But I got this philoso-
phy — I treat people just like I want
to be treated. That means I'll do my
best to get you a good deal."
That itchy sensation you're feeling
now is from wool being pulled over
your eyes. He's basically saying he's
willing to part with profits just for you
— yeah, right.
To avoid falling into the car sales-
man trap, I prepared a counter-sales
pitch:

"I've got a lot of things to do today,
so I want to know right now if we can
agree on a general price range. If not,
please don't waste my time."
Only once did my pitch spare me
hours of wasted daylight. I've learned
that car salesman are professional time
killers. Their usual response to my
counter-offensive was a smooth, "Of
course. Just give me one second to see
what's on the lot."
Then they disappear. I think
they do this to whisk all the
cars you're interested in out of
sight, leaving only one left.
When he comes back, he'll
proudly announce that he's got
just one left, and boy is it nice.
It would be more insulting
not to belch at a Bedouin
dinner party than to refuse a
test drive, so there's another
30 minutes gone. I suppose
the idea is that once a cus-
tomer goes for a test drive,
they lose all control and
MUST HAVE THAT
CAR NOW!
That probably only
works with Ferraris.
Once you've humored him
by driving a car you've proba-
bly already tried at the competi-
tor's lot, you think its time to sit
down and talk turkey.
But salesmen are still lapping up
soup. They want to tell you how great
the warranty is, how everyone in the
service department helps old ladies
across the street and how you're luc
there's still one car left.
Then it's time for them to fill out a
form — verrrry slowly. Once I offered,
to do it myself, arguing it would save
him the trouble. His response?
"It's okay, I enjoy writing." As if it
were the Great American Novel.
In the end, I just gave up. I put off
my desire for a new machine and
bought a used Honda from my uncle.
In the meantime, I'll be resting up for
further forays into carland.
I didn't give in to the salesmen's
charms, but I didn't get the babe mag-
net I wanted either. I'm still confused
— did I win or lose? ❑

HAMM
Sunday, Oct. 19

HMD hayride and bonfire. 7:30
p.m. At Maybury State Park. Cost: $5.
(313) 577-3459.

Wednesday, Oct. 22

Jewish Professional Singles coffee
night at Muddee Waters. 7:30 p.m.
Call David, (248) 398-9370.

Friday, Oct. 24

Singles Shabbat dinner with JEMS
(Jews who Enjoy Mingling and
Schmoozing), new at Temple Israel.
Dinner at 6:15 p.m., alternative
Shabbat services at 7:30 p.m. Dinner
cost: $12. Call Gloria Brozgold, (248)
661-5700.

Saturday, Oct. 25

Judeo-Christian Relations, discussion
with Jewish Professional Singles. 7
p.m. At the Agency for Jewish
Education, 21550 W. 12 Mile Road,
Southfield. Speaker: Bruce Goldstein.
Cost: $5. Call Susan Dines, (248)
626-7246.

Fall Festivities at Camp Maas, Fresh
Air Society and the B'nai B'rith
Leadership Network. Hayride, pump-
kin picking and bonfire. 8-11 p.m.
Cost: $5 per car. (248) 788-NEWS or
661-0600.

Sunday, Oct. 26

DIA tour, "Splendors of Egypt"
exhibit, Michigan Jewish Singles
Network. 9:30 a.m. (248) 851-1100,
Ext. 3157.

, (248)
5(44 at least two wee spriorto
e issUe in which you'd like the event
to appear.

SINGLES TRAVEL

NOVEMBER

Nov. 6-9

Las Vegas hike and gamble trip
with Steppin' Out. (773) 509-8595.

10/17
1997

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