The Scene

Dating
I
essons From
The Bible

LYNNE MEREDITH COHN

Staff Writer

It all comes
down to when
you're ready and
when its the
right person.

10/17

n biblical times, many Jews did-
n't marry until they were in
their 80s. Of course, back then
people lived until well past 100.
But what we can glean from Bible
stories on marital relations is that a Jew
should never marry until he or she is
completely, entirely, totally ready —
psychologically, emotionally and reli-
giously.
In Parsha Chayei Sarah (Genesis),
Abraham — "old, well on in years" —
sends his servant to find a wife for his
son, Isaac. The servant has criteria for
the woman who is worthy of marrying
his master's son: She not only offers
water for him, but also for his camels.
Isaac and Rebecca married almost
immediately after meeting; they had
not known each other long.
The Talmud says that after Sarah
died, the candles that had remained lit
from one Shabbat to the next went out;
when Rebecca entered the tent, they
again stayed lit, explains Rabbi
Avraham Jacobovitz of Machon
L'Torah, the Jewish Learning Network
of 2Michigan.
"Chapter 24, verse 64, says that as
soon as Rebecca saw Isaac, she fell from
the camel, that she was so impressed
with him ... not a physical thing, other-
wise she would have run to him."
"The whole courtship was based on
something which was very holy, very
special, rather than just external attrac-
tion," says Jacobovitz. "The Talmud
says it's important for a person to be
attracted to a spouse in the physical
sense; the Talmud is against ... pre-
arranged marriages without loving and
caring for one another physically too."
But the overriding factor should be
"deep, spiritual bonding," shown
through Isaac and Rebecca.
In Parsha Vayetzei, also in Genesis,
Jacob falls in love with Rachel; they
knew each other for 14 years before
they were allowed to marry.
When Rachel and Jacob saw each
other, they knew. However, Rachel's
father, Laban, instructs Jacob to work
for him for seven years before winning
Rachel's hand in marriage. "So Jacob
worked seven years for Rachel, and
they seemed to him a few days because
of his love for her."
(Of course, after seven years in the
fields, Laban secretly presents his older
daughter. Leah, to Jacob for marriage,
and Jacob must wait another seven
years before marrying Rachel.)
Rachel and Jacob had developed sig-

nals so that they would recognize each
other under the chuppah. When Laban
switched the brides, Rachel gave the
signals to her sister, so as not to embar-
rass her — despite the inherent humili-
ation to Rachel.
"The bond between them was so
strong that it did not ruin their rela-
tionship at all," says Jacobovitz. "The
message is that loyalty and a spiritual
bond can bring out in people a tremen-
dous inner strength [even] under the
most challenging of circumstances."
The "selfless and pure love [between
Jacob and Rachel] is much stronger"
than the physical, he says.
If you take away one letter from the
Hebrew word for man, eish (alef yud
shin), and the Hebrew word for
woman, isha (alef shin heh), you have
the word aish, fire. The two letters that
would be taken out — yud and heh —
spell the name of God. "Without God
it's fire, consuming, destroying. God
brings out the manhood and the wom-
anhood of both of them, perfection,"
Jacobovitz says.
The Mishnah in Pirkei Avot (Ethics
of the Fathers), "talks about 18 being
the ideal age, but that is assuming a
person has attained emotional, psycho-
logical and religious maturity," says
Rabbi Steven Weil of Young Israel of
Oak Park. "We wouldn't say that about
our kids today. [Their] emotions aren't
ready at age 18. In [today's] society, we
don't put a whole lot of responsibility
upon adolescents. We keep kids in
school [sometimes until] 23."
In the Bible, the age and length of
time that people knew each other
before marriage varies. What you gain
from analyzing those stories, says Rabbi
Weil, is that marriage should happen
"when the time is right and when it's
the right person."
Religious maturity is a big factor, he
says. Ideally, a couple should be at the
same place religiously, heading in the
same direction at the same pace.
"They give cases in the Talmud of
people who didn't get married —
[they] needed to develop a basis reli-
giously," Weil says.
Rabbi Mordechai Willig, of Young
Israel of Riverdale and head of Yeshiva
University's Yodin Yodin Kollel (a pro-
gram in which rabbis become judges),
says couples should date as long as they
need to, but have only a short engage-
ment.
"Emotionally, it's not an easy time
— the commitment is already there; it's
a difficult time because you're not dat-
ing and you're not married," Weil
explains. O

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