Th

Sometimes Parents
Just Don't Understand

ALLISON KAPLAN
Special to the Jewish News

the immortal lyrics of Will
Smith, back when he was an
oppressed and lustful teen rap
tar: Parents just don't under-

stand.
They don't understand why young
people today date in packs rather than
pairs. They don't understand why every
relationship has to be exclusive. They
don't understand why some of us are
not very concerned about finding
Jewish partners. They don't understand
why the minute things turn serious, we
feel the need to jump into bed.
Well, maybe they understand that
last one. They just don't like it.
"Relationships today are more super-
ficial," says Sonia Pone, mother of a
21-year-old daughter. "People are
seen as more disposable. People are not
looking for committed relationships —
they just try someone on, see how they
fit."
Ouch.
The whole "in my day" routine
comes part and parcel with being a par-
ent. Mothers and fathers immediately
embody a special internal curfew clock,
an insane ability to worry and a sense
that everything was different when they
were young.
Largely, Detroit parents say, it was
different. They had Annette Funicello;
we have Drew Barrymore.
No offense, moms and dads. We
know you weren't all goody-goodies.
(Not completely, anyway.) Some par-
ents with children of dating age today
actually have peers who (sshhh) had sex
in high school. Only, as one Lansing
mom put it, "Those kids had bad repu-
tations." Today, they're cool.
"My concern is there is so much bla-
tant sexual advertising," says
Farmington Hills mom Trudy Weiss,
who is trying desperately to shield her
children, ages 16, 18 and 21. "Twenty
years ago, there was a free attitude, but
we were not as bombarded with it. In

Allison Kaplan is a Chicago writer
whose mother only lets her date Jewish
guys.

10/10
1997

66

"In my day" comments reign
among young adults and their folks
when it comes to talking about
dating in the '90s.

our day, it was easier for people to keep
sex separate. Now, the expectations are
different."
There's that "our day" thing again.
So, our parents dated more than we do
— really dated, like two people going
out for a malt and a movie without
anticipating more than a thank you.
Was it really so much better?
"I would never have asked a boy out
on a date — I think it's wonderful that
girls do today. It's a different world,"
says Nira Lev, a Southfield mom and
Hebrew school teacher to hundreds of
Detroit area Jewish young adults.
Many parents say they approve of
the more egalitarian nature of today's
relationships. The young men, some

moms say, seem more in touch, more
open with their feelings. The women,
meanwhile, are more independent and
self-sufficient — which, says one West
Bloomfield mom, has its pluses and
minuses.
"Waiting until you're older to settle
down isn't such a wonderful thing," she
says. "All it does is confuse you. More
partners, more problems."
In their day, sex wasn't punishable by
death. And there was no place like the
Internet where young people could
hook up with a mate whose back-
ground (and sometimes sexual identity)
is a complete unknown.
"Nowadays they travel, they go away
to school, they meet people on the

Internet," says our mysterious West
Bloomfield mom who didn't want to
upset her two twentysomething chil-
dren by revealing her name. "They date
complete strangers. You don't know
their background, where they're coming
from. It's nuts."
There's safety in numbers, Weiss
declares. She sees some advantages to
the "group" style of socializing young
people are so partial to today.
"My girls are comfortable with
guys," Weiss says. "They have a lot of
male friends in the group, and they're
able to get to know them without hav-
ing to deal with a relationship."
Of course, there is a reason why our
parents fear a casual group friendship
turning into an exclusive relationship.
They don't want us to have s-e-x. They
also don't particularly enjoy us being
quite so open about that which they
cannot prevent. And mostly, they
deplore that ultimate acknowledg-
ment of premarital sin: living together.
"I was really in love with my hus-
band," says Lev, who married at 19. "I
wanted to be with him. It never
occurred to me we could just share a
room."
Not only a mother, but a therapist
too, Pone says living together does
nothing to strengthen a relationship.
"You're like roomies, not really mak-
ing a commitment," Pone says. "You
can sleep together without living
together. Hang on to your own place
and some identity."
There's nothing wrong with taking
things slow, urges Weiss' husband,
Arthur. These days, he thinks, econom-
ics have a lot to do with living arrange-
ments and later marriages.
Nonetheless, this dad, like so many
others, declared he is "not a proponent
of" couples living together before mar-
riage.
Geez, they criticize us when we keep
our relationships casual, and they resent
it when we turn up the heat. Will
twentysomethings of the '90s ever
please their parents again?
Certainly. When they become the
happily (and Jewishly) married thir-
tysomethings who make kvelling
grandparents of all those over-anxious
moms and dads. ❑