Sibling Rivalry

Under The

When the younger
ones marry first,
the older ones
can't help feeling
a little miffed.

JULIE WEINGARDEN

SPECIAL TO THE JEWISH NEWS

52

E

ither they won't say it on
the record, or they won't be
interviewed about it. But
the truth is that many
young adults, particularly young
women, feel a little something,
well, not nice when a younger sib-
ling says "I do" first.
When it's a younger sister get-
ting married before an older
brother, it's no big deal. But when
it's a younger sister before an old-
er sister, some feelings of envy
are likely to crop up. Especially
if everyone at the reception says,
"You're next!"
Yael Weil, rebbetzin of Young
Israel of Oak Park, says people
need to be sensitive to older sib-
lings who are still single when a

younger sib gets married. Instead
of saying, "You're next," a simple
mazel toy will do, she advises.
"Outsiders should not put pres-
sure on the older siblings," Weil
says. "If the older sibling is in a
position where [she wants] to be
married and ... has not met the
right person yet, it just makes
[her] feel worse. If [she isn't]
ready to be married yet, then re-
spect [her] decision."
In the Orthodox community,
older siblings typically marry be-
fore younger ones, says Weil. But
it can happen the other way
around, too.
"I had one friend who had two
younger sisters get married be-
fore her. She was happy for them

but did feel bad for herself, be-
cause she was at a stage where
she was ready to get married
[and] the right person hadn't
come along. She ended up getting
married at 26, so there is a hap-
py ending," she says.
When Lisa Golnick's brother
got married before her, she felt
nothing but happiness for him.
Golnick, a 29-year-old manicurist
at Heidi's in Novi, watched her
younger brother walk down the
aisle more than two years ago.
"I was excited for them. I am
very close to my brother, Jason,
and his wife, Marla, became a sis-
ter to me. She came from a great
family, and our families are
friends," she says.

There is no Jewish law that
instructs the older child to mar-
ry first, but there is a reference
in the Bible. When Jacob saw
Rachel and fell in love with her,
he agreed to work for seven years
so that he could marry her. Her
father, Laban, switched brides,
and Jacob ended up marrying
Rachel's older sister, Leah. Ja-
cob asked Laban why he
switched the brides, and Laban
replied, "It is not done so in our
place to give the younger before
the elder."
Bayla Jacobovitz, rebbetzin of
Machon L'Torah in Oak Park,
says her community tries to "do
things in the proper order. But,
then again, if the younger child
meets someone that's right, you
can't ask him or her to wait or
put ... life on hold. And you can't
get the older one married just for
the sake of marriage either — it
has to be right."
Jacobovitz has been to wed-
dings where there is an older sin-
gle sister and says it is painful.
"When children are little, you
want them to [eventually] mar-
ry and have babies. In Judaism,
marriage is an important com-
pletion to who we are," Ja-
cobovitz says.
"It's not awkward if it is the
guy marrying later than his sib-
lings, because men aren't always
interested in settling down as
young as women [are]. I think
women are more marriage-mind-
ed, earlier," she adds.
Daniel Findling, a 30-year-old
attorney at the Findling Law
Firm in Royal Oak, says he nev-
er thought about which of his two
brothers would many first. And,
when it happened to be his
younger brother, he says he was
happy and proud.
"I don't think men look at mar-
riage the same way that women
do, where they think about it
from the time they are eight
years old," he says.
Darren Findling, 28, who is
also an attorney at the Findling
firm, says he never worried
about how his brothers would
feel when he decided to marry
Alyson, 29, in May of 1996. "I just
figured everyone would get mar-
ried when they were ready.
When I was ready, I got mar-
ried," he says. "It would be silly
to think that I should delay my
marriage so my siblings could
marry first."
Sometimes tension is in-
evitable when a younger sibling
heads to the chuppah first. "I
think there was unsaid stress
based on the fact that I was
younger, and I was getting mar-
ried before [my brother]," says
Rachel Sasson Dorfman, 29, who
married Marc, her brother's
friend, when she was 24.
"Whether a sibling is younger