You'll B Happy To Hear ..m
... That Jews produced so many horrendous films.
Monday-Tuesday-Wednesday Special
Manicure/Pedicure Combination
ELIZABETH APPLEBAUM ASSOCIATE EDITOR
I): Recently I saw a film about
the life of Ed Wood. This is just the
kind of guy you wish was Jewish,
you know what I mean? He made
the most, the absolutely most, hor-
rendous films in the world, and
they were so terrific in their hor-
rendousness!
This got me thinking. Please tell
me Jews have made some B films
— perhaps even some as awful as
those done by Ed Wood.
A: My friend, your wish is
my command.
In fact, you can find the
names of Jewish actors, ac-
tresses and directors on many
of the finest B films ever made.
But since you asked specifi-
cally about producers, let me
tell you of just a few who will
make you want to stand up
and shout, "I'm proud to be
Jewish, too!" Let's start with
The Monster and the Girl.
This delightful film was pro-
duced by Jack Moss and dis-
tributed by Paramount
Pictures in 1941. Starring a
memorable cast including
Ellen Drew, Robert Paige,
Willard Robertson and Skip-
per the dog, The Monster is the
story of an innocent man
named Scott Webster (framed
by the mob) about to face exe-
cution. A scientist shows up
and asks for Terry's brain to
use in medical experimenta-
tion. "Help yourself?" Webster
screams in typically astonish-
ingly brilliant B-film dialogue.
Soon, the brain in question is
placed inside an ape (the "mon-
ster" part of this film's title)
and proceeds to deal with all
those scoundrels who con-
demned poor Scott Webster.
"More, more!" I hear you
clamor. So let me continue ...
Ever Since Venus was an-
other winner, produced by
Arthur Dreifuss for Columbia
Pictures in 1944. Like The
Monster and the Girl, this film
included a cast of giants in-
cluding Ina Ray Hutton, Hugh
Herbert and Glenda Farrell as
"Babs Cartwright." (How I
wish my mother had had the
foresight to name me Babs!)
This musical focused on a
beauty contest and a lipstick
scandal. Memorable numbers
included the great "Glamour
for Sale" and "Rosebud, I Love
You." (Many of which were
written by Jews, but let's not
get into that here ...)
You can be sure Jane
Wyman would love to be re-
minded of her appearance in
The Body Disappears, produced
in 1941 by Ben Stoloff for Warn-
er Brothers Pictures. (Also ap-
pearing in a minor role was
Natalie Schafer, later much ad-
mired for her stunning perfor-
mances as Mrs. Thurston
Howell III on "Gilligan's Is-
land.") The Body is the story of
a sportsman named Peter De
Haven who is about to marry.
At his bachelor party the ine-
briated De Haven passes out
and — yuk, yuk — his pals
leave him in the dissecting
room at their medical school!
Thinking the genial sportsman
is in fact a corpse upon which
he is to experiment, a wacky
professor (we always meet up
with at least one wacky profes-
sor in these B films, don't we?)
whisks the body away as his as-
sistant remarks, "They must
have embalmed him in Scotch
and soda!" (Will the laughs nev-
er end?!?) And guess what?
When De Haven wakes up he's
invisible!
Well, no doubt you're just
dying to know what happens
next, but you're going to have
to rent the film if you want to
find out more. (Perhaps you
think this is laziness on my
part, but in fact the plot is just
so complex, so filled with sub-
tleties and innuendos, much
like a William Faulkner nov-
el, that I couldn't begin to ex-
plain it here.)
But wait. There's more.
No doubt my report on The
Monster and the Girl left you
begging for more Jack Moss
films. Then you'll want to hear
about the Biscuit Eater, dis-
tributed by Paramount Pic-
tures in 1940.
Once again, Moss worked
with a cast of some of the
world's top talent: Billy Lee,
Cordell Hickman and
Snowflake. But don't start guf-
fawing just yet, because critics
actually loved this film. A
small budget, a small cast, yes
— but it was a movie that was
big at heart.
The Biscuit Eater is the sto-
ry of a dog, a family and a boy
who learns how to be a man.
(Kind of makes you feel good
just reading about it, doesn't
it?) True, there's some pretty
awful dialogue (when two men
are faced with an approaching
crocodile, one cries, "Feets, do
yo' stuff," and the other re-
sponds, "You can shake, dog-
gone it, but I'm a-takin' you
with me!"). But still The Bis-
cuit Eater was described as a
"heart-warming pastoral" by
the venerable New York Times.
Perhaps one of the most un-
forgettable B-films ever made
was, I am delighted to report,
produced by Jack Chertok. It
was called Eyes in the Night
and distributed in 1942 by
MGM. What, you might ask,
made this movie so very ridicu-
lous? In a word: everything.
Start with the plot, which
had to do with spies and secret
formulas (as ubiquitous in
these films as the wacky pro-
fessor). Then comes the hero,
a blind detective. Then the di-
alogue (two women concur
"There isn't room in this house
for both of us"). Had enough?
What's interesting, though,
is that Eyes in the Night was
directed by Fred Zinnemann,
later responsible for the Acad-
emy Award-winning From
Here to Eternity.
I could go on for days on this
lofty subject, but alas, space
will allow for just one more!
Let's end with The Mask of Di-
ijon, produced in 1946 by Max
Alexander and Alfred Stern for
Producers Releasing Corp.
Starring the once-respected
Erich von Stroheim (who by
then had the reputation of be-
ing impossible to work with),
The Mask tells of a magician
who goes berserk and uses hyp-
nosis on his assistant so she will
do his evil bidding. In the end,
of course, he dies, conveniently
falling underneath a guillotine
(part of his magic act) as the po-
lice catch up with him.
"[This film] is about the
poorest excuse for a thriller
that has come along in ages,"
The New York Daily News
said. "It's slow, obvious and
crudely put together."
But all is not lost. Consider,
for example, the 1944 produc-
tion Weird Woman (the title
alone is enough to give you cold
chills). This was produced and
directed by gentiles. Yes, the
screenplay was written by
Brenda Weisberg, but if you
don't tell, neither will I. ❑
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